Exercise assists Recovery from Depression
We live in a sedentary society. Sitting for hours watching TV, and playing on the computer, is the norm. This is not a healthy situation.
Many studies have shown that physical activity contributes to recovery from depression. Here are some the findings:
• One study (published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine in 2000) demonstrated that exercise — three sessions of aerobic activity each week — worked about as well as medication in reducing the symptoms of depression.
• In addition, the researchers found that after 10 months, people who exercised were much less likely to relapse than people who took anti-depressant medication.
• A 2005 study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine showed that moderate aerobic workouts, done three to five times weekly, cut mild to moderate depression symptoms nearly in half.
The catch 22 is this: when you are depressed you do not feel like exercising. You feel tired all the time. Everything is a drag. The last thing you feel like doing is going for a walk. But it is the exact thing that you need to do.
The first step is to take these figures to heart. The second is to make a conscious effort to make changes in your life to ensure that you will get the exercise you need.
If you find it difficult to do, then visit a psychologist who utilises Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT will help you to put a plan in place so that you can change your behaviours to healthier ones.
If you have battled depression, and found strategies that helped you to get moving, please share them.

Anxiety symptoms and fear

Many common anxiety symptoms relate to fears. Different individuals fear different things.

    * A heightened fear of what people think of you
    * Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
    * Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
    * Fear of being in public
    * Fear of dying
    * Fear of losing control
    * Fear of impending doom
    * Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
    * Fear of passing out
    * Fear that you are losing your mind
    * Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
    * Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
    * Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
    * Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
    * Need to seat near exits

In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone

Other anxiety symptoms are described as being like a hypochondriac: muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.

Do you have two or more of these fears?

Recreational drugs make depression worse
People who suffer from depression often take recreational drugs to ward off their depression or to escape from reality.
If you are taking recreational drugs, be careful because they can make your depression worse – and going off the drugs can lead to depression.
Things to do if you have this problem:
• Try to keep as much control as possible over your drug use so that things do not get worse.
• Ask for help. You may need treatment for the drug problem, your low mood or both.
• Be honest about your drug use with any doctor, nurse or other professional you are seeing. Otherwise they will find it very difficult to work out how best to help you.
• Accept help from social services if you are running into problems with debts, housing, etc, as these can only make things worse if they don’t get sorted out.
Things to do if a family member or friend has this problem:
• Tell this person that you have noticed there is something wrong. Ask them if they have considered asking for help from any of the sources mentioned above.
• Be diplomatic and non judgemental.
• Stay supportive and encouraging because this is a long term problem. On their own, drug use and depression can take time to treat. Together it becomes a much more complicated diagnosis and treatment.
Sometimes it is easier to take drugs, or alcohol for that matter, than admit that you are depressed. The ironical thing is that it is easier and more effective to treat the source of the drugging which is depression.

Relaxation aids Recovery from Depression
If you’re recovering from depression, it’s crucial that you make time to relax. If you are not relaxed, or are anxious, you will be more vulnerable to depression.
Lying around does not count as relaxation. You need to utilise more focused methods such as:
1. On your own, you could:
• Listen to soothing music
• Go for a walk
• Take a long, hot bath
2. With the help of an expert, you could try:
• Meditation or Guided Imagery. There are many ways to meditate. Try to clear your mind by focusing on one thought or word or phrase, or imagining yourself in a peaceful place, like on the beach or in the woods. Or you could focus on sensations you feel. Try slowly tightening and then relaxing each muscle in your body, starting from your toes and moving up to your head.
• Yoga.
• Breathing exercises. Try spending twenty minutes a day doing deep breathing exercises. Clear your mind and focus on your breathing. Slowly inhale through your nose, holding your breath for only a few seconds, and then slowly exhaling through your nose or mouth. Then repeat.
• Biofeedback. In this approach, a biofeedback therapist teaches you physical and mental exercises to control certain automatic physical functions, like your heart rate, blood pressure, or the temperature of your skin. Then, when you’re actually in a stressful situation, you can use the techniques you learned to help stay calm.
• Massage.
• Hypnosis.
Try different methods to see which ones work for you. The important thing is that you make time to relax and choose a focused and proven method to help you.

If you are a parent who has an anxious child , be reassured that there is a lot you can do to help your child.

The place to start is with your child’s fears. While your child’s worry may seem general, the research shows that often those fears are specific.

For instance, your child may  fear that when they go to bed, mummy will go out and not return. Your child then insists on sleeping in your bed.

Sit down with your child and talk about these fears. Write these down, and if you like, get your child to give these fears a rating out of ten.

You now can work on that thinking. For instance the child who thinks mummy is going to get hurt when she’s out of sight might be presented with questions such as, “has this happened before?”, or “ how was  mummy when she came home from grandma’s?” While you can provide some evidence that it is unlikely to happen, it’s best if your child is encouraged to come up with their own evidence.

Then you need to get your child used to what they’re afraid of: working, step by step, on the problem. It’s important here to have the right size steps and to gauge your child’s readiness for each step.

For instance, a child who always sleeps in her mother’s bed, can start with a cot next to the bed, then move the cot to the other side of the room, then to the doorway, then the hall, until finally the cot is in the child’s room.”

This exposure in degrees actually works as further evidence (of safety) to the child. The  world did not fall apart and mum is still there after a period of separation.

When you do this slowly, consistently and calmly, your child’s fears will diminish over time.

Try these tested techniques and please send me feedback.

Depression is common in pregnancy
All pregnant women experience mood variations in pregnancy but this is not classified as depression. Antenatal depression occurs in about 10% of pregnant women and has identifiable symptoms.
Symptoms of Antenatal Depression
• Inability to concentrate and difficulty remembering
• Difficulty making decisions
• Seeing minor task as major obstacles
• Anxiety about the pregnancy or becoming parents
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Extreme irritability
• Sleep problems not related to the pregnancy
• Extreme or unending fatigue
• A desire to eat all the time or not wanting to eat at all
• Weight loss or weight gain not related to pregnancy
• Loss of interest in sex
• Not wanting to socialise
• A sense that nothing feels enjoyable or fun anymore, including the pregnancy
• Feeling like a failure, feelings of guilt
• Persistent sadness
• Crying over every little thing
• Thoughts of death or suicide
Assessment of Antenatal Depression
Many pregnant women find it hard to admit to these feeling because they think they should be delighted about the pregnancy. However, if you have 2 or more of these symptoms, the earlier you get an assessment from a qualified practitioner, the better.
Speak to people you trust so that you get the help you need.
If you are a spouse, family member or friend of somebody that you suspect has antenatal depression, be proactive in helping the depressed person get help. They may be unaware or ashamed to speak up. Bring information. Be honest about your observations. If necessary, alert their GP. In extreme circumstances, make the appointment and drag them there.
There is a lot of effective help available. The earlier treatment is obtained, the quicker the recovery.

Many people turn to smoking, eating, or shopping to relieve stress.

This is a very short term view. Let us presume that smoking does help with stress. It only helps for a limited time and then you are lighting up again.

Moreover, over the years, you create all kinds of health issues for yourself that lead to additional stress. In fact, it leads to much more stress than the original trigger ever did.

The same applies to eating excessively or shopping unnecessarily. The new and greater issues you create by doing these activities tend to far outweigh  the gravity of the original problem.

There are many simple, free, valid tools for working down stress. In the long term, they will also improve your health, immune system and general feeling of well being.

I recommend that you learn and utilise these tools from now on for your own sake.

If you disagree with me, please feel free to vent.

Many people are aware of common symptoms of depression like feelings of sadness, hopelessness and fatigue.  What most people are unaware of  is that physical pain and depression can be closely related.

It is impossible to make a causal link and, if I tried to, I have no doubt that many of you would be up in arms. Suffering from chronic pain is awful. Therefore, the suggestion that pain could be “all in your mind” or “nothing but depression” leads victims to feel that their suffering has been invalidated.

Instead, what I am talking about is the relationship between pain and depression. Simply put, pain can be depressing, and depression causes and intensifies pain.

Think about it. If you are going to a concert you have been looking forward to, and you develop a mild to moderate headache, you will fight to overcome the headache. You will get to the concert and enjoy it. Conversely, if you have just had an altercation with your partner, your headache grows and becomes unmanageable.

Some research shows that pain and depression share common pathways in the limbic (emotional) region of the brain. In fact, the same chemical messengers control pain and mood. According to an article published by the Harvard Medical School, people with chronic pain have three times the average risk of developing psychiatric symptoms–usually mood or anxiety disorders–and depressed patients have three times the average risk of developing chronic pain.

Many people suffering from depression never get help because they don’t realize that pain may be a symptom of depression. The importance of understanding the physical symptoms of depression is that treating depression can help with the pain–and treating pain can help with depression.

People often ask couples who have been together for a long time: “What is the secret of staying together?”

As a psychologist, who studies human behaviour, this question is one that fascinates me too. Recently, I observed something that I strongly believe is a big part of staying together – happily.

I was watching a woman in her fifties singing karaoke. There had been numerous individuals before her. One was a young sexy girl who was having her moment of being a rock star. She received cheers and whistles from the audience and it was fun to watch.

Another was a twenty something, serious young man who obviously had singing training. He sang something operatic and the audience applauded accordingly.

Then, the woman I referred to earlier, stood up. She turned to her husband and publicly said: ” I dedicate this song to my wonderful husband X. We have been together for 21 years and he is still the one for me”.

The audience went “ahhh” and a few had tears in their eyes, a much bigger reaction that all the other singers had received.

At that moment, I realised that an important glue in a relationship is a public choosing of your partner. Couples thrive when their love is declared not only in private, but in public.

That is why marriage is so much more binding than living together. You publicly choose your partner and are in effect saying “You are the one”.  Every anniversary thereafter,  you  basically reaffirm your commitment to one another. If you have children, they too celebrate your relationship.

Choosing one another publicly does not mean you have to stand on stage and sing a love song. It means that you are not afraid to state, to others (in various ways) that you have chosen this person to be your life partner.

In my opinion, when couples who do this for one another,their relationship benefits.

If you are living with a depressed adolescent, there are several things you can do to assist them with their struggle.

1. Help Your Teen Hear Positive Messages: Teenagers with depression are often unable to distinguish between positive and negative behaviour and so they may hear a neutral message from their parent as a negative remark. 

If you are saying something positive to your depressed teen, it is a good idea to exaggerate the positive message to make sure your child actually registers your behaviour and words in the way they are intended.

2. Respond Thoughtfully to Your Teen’s Moods: Simple topics like bed times, homework or internet use can be challenging and affect an adolescent’s mood quite significantly. Even neutral behaviour directed at your child can be misconstrued. “For example, if you say something like ‘Can you set the table?’ and they come back aggressively with something like ‘Why are you telling me I’m lazy all the time!’, your natural reaction is going to be ‘I didn’t say that, don’t take it that way’.” Because of your teen’s mood and depression, that kind of follow up may be considered a further criticism.

Therefore, keep communication short,( under twenty minutes), simple and calm.

3. Set Boundaries: Although it is important to reduce levels of conflict, you still need to set clear rules. Parents can explain respectfully and calmly why a teenager is not allowed to do something, express empathy for their teen’s wishes, but remain firm about boundaries.

4. Be Flexible: and prepared to let the little things go.  In the above example about setting the table, a parent might decide to remain tolerant and understanding of their teen’s mental health and let some of their comments go, rather than using it as the time for a talk about being polite.

5.Be Non-Aggressive and Non-Critical: keep your cool at all times. No matter how aggressively your teenager speaks, you will achieve better long term outcomes for your teen and family if you are able to remain calm in spite of provocation.

Depression is an illness. Your teen needs empathy, help and support.

Do you give it?

Here is a guest post by a friend and colleague, Fay Frischer. Food for thought for everyone getting married.

The engagement

Congratulations you have just announced your engagement.  You are a young executive in a large company deriving a substantial annual income.  You have developed a portfolio of assets including shares and real estate.  Your fiancé is on the other hand less affluent but that is immaterial as you are clearly in love.  Love conquers all and you cannot conceive of the marriage breaking down irretrievably and the subsequent divorce with a property division.

The marriage

Wake up girl.  Your marriage is now dead.  Fast forward in your thoughts to the court allocating a percentage of your hard earned income and assets to your husband in a bitterly contested court battle.  Rules and regulations will determine the inevitable allocation of property and assignment of the pool of assets and liabilities.

Essentially the court considers the Family Law Act to evaluate who gets what in the wash up.  The first step will be to identify the assets and liabilities and this will include your nest egg of superannuation entitlements.  The second step will be to look at the contributions, financial and non financial, that each of you has made to the acquisition, maintenance and improvement of these assets.

The court will carve up the asset pool and you will not like this cut.

Your lifeline

Think about the future now.  Talk to a lawyer who can advise you on asset protection by way of a binding financial agreement (or a pre nup in the old terminology).  It is not difficult and the concept will apply to first and subsequent marriages but you will have the peace of mind to work on your marriage.

Fay Frischer

Solicitor

fayfrischer@lawyerlanecove.com.au

www.lawyerlanecove.com.au

Your thoughts?

In my practice, there are 2 common questions adults ask:

1. Can you improve self esteem as an adult?
2. If so, what activities are useful to boost their self esteem?

The answer to the first is:

“Yes, you can improve self esteem as an adult but is takes time and repetition. There is no quick fix.”

The answer to the second is that there are things one can do.

1. Adults need to push themselves to master situations. Sitting back and wallowing does not enhance self esteem. In fact, it erodes self esteem.
2. Every time an individual does master something, she should endorse herself for her effort.  In other words, as an adult, one needs to develop an inner maternal voice that dispenses praise and reassurance.
3. Developing warm, close relationships is core to most people’s self esteem.

Exactly what behaviours need to be encouraged, will be specific to each individual’s situation.

Salome (not her real name) provides an excellent case presentation. Salome felt inadequate because men did not ask her out for dates. From the age of twenty five, she began to withdraw and hardly socialised. This only increased her feelings of inferiority.

From a behavioural perspective, the most important activity for Salome to do would be to push herself to meet people. She joined a bridge club and a gym.  At the same time, she improved her appearance and communication skills.

Every time she went out, and met people, Salome would endorse herself for her effort. She would say, out loud, “Well done Salome for conquering your fears and facing new people” or “I felt proud of the way that I looked today. Several men complimented me”.

Salome’s self esteem improved, not because she dated but because she felt masterful and resilient.

What do you need to push yourself to do?

When a teenager has depression, parents frequently want to know why it developed.

Professor Nick Allen, at the School of Psychological Sciences, The University of Melbourne, conducted research on young teenagers from ages 12 to 18 and looked at family communication styles prior to the development of depression symptoms.

Professor Allen identified patterns of adult and child communication that predict the likelihood of a teenager developing depression.

Families of depressed teens are more likely to have lower levels of positivity and warmth, and higher levels of conflict.

These two factors sound like they are the opposite of each other but they are independent elements of family dynamics.  So for example, a family may have a high degree of conflict but also a lot of warmth, or there may be a family that doesn’t have much of either.

The research is not intended to lay blame on families, but instead provide ideas for parents who want to support their children’s emotional well-being.

The following are elements that appear to raise the risk of a child developing depressive symptoms during adolescence:

• high levels of conflict in the family
• frequent criticism from parents
• low levels of warmth and positivity in the family environment
• ‘put downs’ from parents towards their children, and
• lower levels of positive interaction and warmth between parents and children.

If you are questioning the ‘chicken and the egg’ scenario: “does the family environment actually play a part in the risk of depression as opposed to just being a result of the stress that’s caused by the young person who’s having a mental health problem?” , Professor Allen believes his research is significant – because it indicates that teenagers with depression are more likely to have been living in families where the elements listed above were present prior to them developing depression.

What do you need to change at home?

An interesting thing happens when we yell at somebody. They yell back.

Have you ever thought about it? Your unspoken thought or wish was that they would back down, shut up or give you what you wanted.

 Instead, what happens is usually the opposite. The person you are yelling at responds negatively. Children tend to become defiant, sulk or even break something in retaliation. If the child does comply, it is with resentment.

If you yelled at your spouse, nine times out of ten he/she will get angry in  return until,before you know it, you are engaged in a  full on war. Yelling at a work colleague creates distance and can take months to repair.

The truth is, when you are angry at somebody, they feel attacked. In response, they feel the need to defend themselves from your onslaught and will do whatever it takes to do so. 

The defensive strategy employed could be obvious, like yelling back or refusing outright to comply. Or the strategy could be covert and even subversive.

There are a few principles to be learned from this:

1. Anger leads to more anger.

2. Therefore, if you want to make a point, or to get something done, adopt a collaborative, calm approach.

3. If you are at the receiving end of the anger, do everything to de-escallate the rising emotion. Stay calm. Validate the aggressors feelings: “I can see that  you are furious at me” rather than defend your actions: “It was not me! ”

4. Be alert to angry cues. When you feel yourself boiling up, calm down before interacting with others. When you see somebody getting worked up at you, try and remove yourself from the situation.

5. Avoid  anger at all costs. Aim for peaceful interactions.

Have you had repercussions from your anger? Please share them.

Over the years, I have taught hundreds of people how to manage their emotions which are affecting their performance negatively.

What I have observed, is that frequently anger and anxiety are connected.  Let me illustrate my point with David’s story (not his real name).

David was angry at work every day. Literally all day, he would stew internally about how his customers were treating him. He believed they were not respectful of his time or admiring enough of his creative ability. While he did not yell at them directly, often they picked up his negative manner and would leave.

This perpetuated David’s belief that his customers did not treat him right. On top of that, David constantly criticised his staff. In his eyes they were never efficient enough, clever enough or loyal enough and so he had a continual turnover of staff.

David’s wife dragged him to therapy because she could not tolerate the way he treated everybody around him, including herself. To David’s credit, he began to engage in therapy and the journey of self discovery.

What soon became apparent, is that David had an insecure attachment to his mother. As an adult he still did not trust anybody and was fearful of being abandoned.

David used anger as a protective mechanism. it was easier for him to say the people around him were not worth much than to admit that he needed them. If he admitted he was dependent, then they would have the power to abandon him. The fear of abandonment was the source of his anxiety.

As David recognised his fears, and dealt with them, his anxiety reduced along with his anger.

Are you angry a lot of the time?

Are you perhaps using it as a protective mechanism?

Anxiety is a very common in children. In fact, it may be the most common childhood well-being issue.

Anxiety is found in around one in ten children, affecting  their independence, academic achievements, and general quality of life.

Many parents are not sure if their child suffers from anxiety or not. The best way of knowing whether your child has an anxiety issue that needs attention is by looking at whether it affects the way they are leading their lives

The main criteria for anxiety  are – avoidance and hesitance.

Most specifically long term avoidance, is a big clue. Common things that are avoided are:

• sleeping on one’s own,
• school
• specific triggers like dogs
• social interaction (often described as shyness)
• making mistakes.

As a parent, there is a lot you can do to assist your child. Here are some tips:

1. Show love and care always. However, if  your child can do something on his/her own, it is better to step back and reward courage than be too protective.

2. Identify what your child is afraid of. Get your child to express their fears. Then, logically, perform a reality check. Ask: “What is the factual evidence that this will happen?” This is a concrete check  and holds vague, imaginary fears up against the reality.

3. Always use small steps. Set small achievable goals where you stretch your child’s abilities and independence.

4. Rewards must be given as soon as possible after the child has performed the step. Helpful praise “You were so brave when you turned off the light”  works well. Emotional rewards like hugs and kisses are effective too.

5. Be patient and consistent. It takes dedication,  practice, repitition and time for the best results.

Many parents and teachers miss the fact that a teen is depressed. They often view behaviours as typical adolescent angst or melodrama. However, depression occurs commonly and should be correctly diagnosed and treated.

“There is no question that depression affects teens more than younger children, in fact, it’s probably one of the most dramatic changes in the pattern of depression across a life span …  So this is one of the reasons why this is such an important period of life for understanding depression…  And for many people that don’t have problems with depression over their lifetime, adolescence is the first time it presents itself as a serious problem”. Professor Nick Allen, The School of Psychological Sciences , the University of Melbourne.

The numbers speak for themselves:

Around 160,000 Australians aged between 16 and 24 live with depression each year. Although alarming in size, the reality of this figure is illustrated by a recent study, indicating that 1 in 12 Australian adolescents self-harm.

The causes of adolescent depression were studied by Professor Allen. He acknowledges that genetics, family history and stressful events all “feed into the risk machine” for the development of depression.

However, Professor Allen  emphasises that “families are a very important part of the picture.”

This is helpful information because it means that parents can exert a positive influence on their teenager’s mental health and help their teens if they do become depressed.

Moving forward, it is vital that you look out for signs of depression in your child or student. Common signs are:

• Weight gain or loss
• Change in sleeping habits. The most common is sleeping all day and being up all night
• Loss of interest in appearance
• Lack of energy
• No enjoyment of daily life

Reading through the symptoms, you can see how easy it is to view these behaviours as typical teenager antics. However, there is a qualitative difference. If you are not sure, seek expert guidance.

Are you overlooking a depressed teen in your midst?

The last blog I wrote about the increase of autism resulted in many parents calling me and asking for more information.

While there is no doubt that the number of children who have been diagnosed with autism has increased, the question  being asked is: is it a new diagnosis or was it missed in previous generations?

One suggestion is that it is the way we measure autism that has changed. As knowledge about autism has advanced, so have the techniques used to measure the prevalence of the condition.

For example, early studies used  small samples and  relatively crude diagnostic tools. In contrast, the modern method of screening whole populations (e.g. states or countries), using improved diagnostic assessments,  is likely to be more sensitive in identifying affected individuals.

Another hypothesis is that certain societal influences make it more likely for an individual to be diagnosed with autism today than in the past.

These influences  include:

• increased awareness and understanding of autism among parents and health professionals

• the formation of specific autism diagnostic teams

• a lessening in the stigma associated with a diagnosis (particularly, the dispelling of the myth that autism is caused by “cold parents”)

• the availability of governmental assistance specific to children with an autism diagnosis.

A third  potential  reason is the increase in the survival of extremely premature infants. While recent findings suggest these infants are at increased risk of autism, research in this area is at too early a stage to make conclusive statements.

In sum, to date there is no single environmental factor we know of that has substantially contributed to the increase in autism diagnoses. However, research is now focusing on how genes and the environment combine to cause this condition.

Hopefully this line of research will provide answers to the “autism epidemic”.

Are you a worried parent? Please share your concerns.

A large percentage of  people suffer from stress. However, many  people manage their stress in varied ways that are not always ideal. Only a small percentage of sufferers obtain help from professionals.

A survey by the APS found that it is those people with high levels of stress who will seek help from qualified practitioners:  20%  seek help from their general practitioner and only 15% seek help from an allied  mental health professional.

The survey indicated that most people with moderate to low levels of stress have found ways of dealing with their stress themselves.

Activities to manage stress

• turn to a family member (22%)
• ask  a friend (25%) for help
• utilise distractions
• practice relaxation methods
• watch television
• read
• listen to music

These strategies are all appropriate and useful. However, many chosen strategies are not healthy or helpful in the long run.

It is of concern that 40% of Australians drink alcohol, 66% use food and 46% use shopping as a way of managing their stress.

These are escape or numbing techniques that work in the short term but lead to bigger issues in the long term.

If you utilise these dangerous methods, step 1 is to own up to it. Step 2 is to make a commitment to find better, healthier alternatives that will truly address the stress levels in your life. Step 3 is to relinquish these negative behaviours.

Can you relate to these behaviours?  What do you do?

A question that I am commonly asked is, “Are more people stressed than before?” Sometime, I am attacked verbally with the accusation that “Psychologists just make work for themselves by testing people and saying they need help.”

I wish that were true. I would far prefer to engage in positive psychology and psycho-education and have a really healthy population. Unfortunately, results of a recent online survey, conducted by the Australian Psychology Association revealed a high percentage of people of all ages suffering from stress and other symptoms.  These results are comparable to results from other countries.

Here are some of the findings:

• Younger Australians, in particular those in the 18-25 age group,  reported significantly higher levels of stress  than those older age groups
• Women reported significantly higher levels of perceived stress.
• Women identified family and personal health issues as stressors while men were more concerned with the economy and political climate.
• 30% of people identified the workplace as a source of stress.
• People who were retired had higher levels of wellbeing.
• Couples in a relationship, or married but without children, reported significantly higher levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals who had suffered a relationship breakdown in the past twelve months reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals, who were separated but not divorced, reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Sole parents, and those who were not married, reported a significantly higher level of perceived stress.
• People with lower levels of education reported significantly more perceived stress when compared to the general population.
• 52% of Australians reported financial issues as the main cause of their stress.
• 12% of Australians experienced levels of stress in the severe range.

Stress is a real issue experienced by millions of people and not a fabrication of psychologists.

What are your thoughts?

Many parents feel guilty about placing their children in day care. Over the years, there has been an ongoing debate over whether children in day care fare worse than children home full-time with mum.

An Australian National University study was done where more than 5000 toddlers were observed. The findings were worrying to say the least.

Behavioural problems, equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week, were noted. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.

On the flip-side, however, day care children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.

Barbara Romeril, executive director of Community Childcare, said childcare encouraged children to be more assertive and articulate.

In  my opinion, there are many factors that play a role here. Sometimes, a child is in day care because mum and dad work full-time. This means mum and dad are tired at the end of the day and also exhibit frustration, moodiness and stubbornness.

The child may be copying his parents or may be reacting to his parents fatigue. OR it could be the day care experience.

I would love to hear your views on this divisive topic.

The question of whether autism has increased is commonly asked and will always get parents attention. The simple answer in terms of numbers is “Yes”.

There has most certainly been a steady rise in the incidence (number of new diagnoses per year) and prevalence (total number of affected individuals in the total population) of autism during the past fifty years .

The finding has been  well-replicated and  observed in every country (including Australia)with an appropriate data source. Currently, the most widely recognised estimate is around one individual with autism in every 100 people (1% of population).

The increase in rate causes alarm in most parents and educators who are still unlcear as to the reason for this. Andrew Whitehouse, Associate Professor, Telethon Institute for Child health Research at University of Western Australia believes it is the result of conceptual change.

He says that one of the most important discoveries in autism research over the past two decades has been that the syndrome varies along a spectrum of severity.

The understanding  that children can present with less severe autistic symptoms, which are often difficult to identify at  a young age,  led to the formulation of new  diagnostic categories – Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), both of which come under the collective banner of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The expansion of diagnostic boundaries has meant that individuals who would previously have been placed under a different “diagnostic banner” are now more likely to receive a primary diagnosis of autism.

This is particularly true for the diagnoses of language disorders and intellectual disability, and the prevalence of these conditions has decreased over the past two decades as autism diagnoses have increased.

The positive thing about better diagnoses is that children can get the specific, relevant and appropriate treatment they require.

What are your views on this contentious topic?

The existence of post- natal depression is  increasingly accepted in today's times. What is rarely spoken about, or acknowledged, is that fathers too can suffer depression after the birth of a child.

The effects  of early paternal depression on children's development is the subject of  a new paper in The Medical Journal of Australia. Based on data from the Longitudinal  Study of Australian Children, the researchers found depression in fathers during  the first year of a child's life can have detrimental impact on their child's  behaviour, and social and emotional development. 

This paper highlights the need to:

1. Educate the public that fathers may be at risk for depression after the birth of a child.

2. Be alert that this depression may surface up to a year after the birth.

3. Remove the shame of seeking help so that fathers can get the treatmen they require.

4. Ensure fathers get treatment to protect the well being of their child.

Do you know any father who has suffered paternal depression? 

Please share you knowledge and experiences.

Anger is a form of control. When we are young, we discover that if we yell and scream, we will get what we want.

Look at young kids. A two year old having a tantrum in a shopping mall will get whatever their hearts desire. Mum will do anything for peace.

If we continually give an agry person what they are demanding, we become part of the problem. We “enable” the angry person. We reinforce the anger so it will continue to occur regularly.

I understand that hostility is intimidating. I am fully aware that aggression is frightening.

But I also know that if you do not stand up to it, or ignore it, you will be a puppet in the hands of the perpetrator.

Make a decision today not to be controlled. Do not give in to demands that do not suit you.

What are you doing to placate an angry person in your life?

We live in an age where things are done quickly. People are trained to look for a quick fix. Society believes that it is possible to reduce every situation down into a process that can be easy, convenient and cheap.

These principles may be true in many areas. However, they do not and cannot be applied to human relationships. They also are not appropriate for the therapeutic process.

Good therapy comprises a process. It involves making a space where feelings and events can be thought about and understood.

Since emotions and relationships are complex, often reflection takes some time. It cannot be rushed.

When you start a therapeutic journey, have realistic expectations. Give the process the time and thought that it deserves. You will feel the benefits and be glad you did.

Have you been reluctant to engage in a therapeutic process?  Why?

Children suffer when they live with parents who are chronically angry or who get into a rage at unpredictable times.

Scientists can now do magnetic imaging of the brain  and watch activity as it occurs. What they have found, is that children who live with explosive parents have the same brain activity as war veterans.

Yes, children living with angry parents feel like they are on a battlefield. This makes them anxious.

These anxious children  become hyper-vigilant, looking out for cues to predict the next outburst and searching for escape routes.

Anger at home is not OK.  The dangers are clear and measurable.

Do you get angry a lot and underestimate the damage?

Is your child anxious as a result?

what are your expereinces of anger and anxiety?

Childhood maltreatment is known to be one of the most potent environmental risk factors linked to later mental health problems such as anxiety disorders and depression.

A study published in August found that found that people who suffered maltreatment as children were twice as likely as those who had normal childhoods to develop persistent and recurrent depression, and less likely to respond well or quickly to treatment for their mental illness.

A study published  in the journal Current Biology Children  found that children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as soldiers exposed to combat.

This suggests that both maltreated children and soldiers may have adapted to become “hyper-aware” of danger in their environment.

Enhanced reactivity to a…threat cue such as anger may represent an adaptive response for these children in the short term, helping keep them out of danger,” said Eamon McCrory of University College  who led the study.

But he added that such responses may also be underlying neurobiological risk factor which increases the children’s susceptibility to later mental illness like depression.

Depression is already a major cause of mortality, disability, and economic burden worldwide and the World Health Organisation predicts that by 2020, it will be the second leading contributor to the global burden of disease across all ages.

A study published in August found that found that people who suffered maltreatment as children were twice as likely as those who had normal childhoods to develop persistent and recurrent depression, and less likely to respond well or quickly to treatment for their mental illness.

These studies confirm what should be common sense. Children need to be nurtured and kept safe.

There is a lot one can do to prevent mental illness. Keeping our children safe must be a priority.

The findings of a recent report are disturbing: More than one third of all mums who suffer depression in the first year after giving birth are being abused by their partners.

The Murdoch Children’s Research Institute  surveyed 1300 first-time mums in Melbourne and  found that 16 per cent reported symptoms of depression before their baby turned one.

Of those, about 40 per cent were also physically or emotionally abused by their husband or boyfriend.

Associate professor Stephanie Brown, a co-author of the study said “while mums had been successfully encouraged over the years to report postnatal depression, partner violence remained a taboo topic.”

“It tends to be a hidden thing because the year after birth is when there’s lots of pressure on families and it’s difficult for women to discuss abuse with their friends, families and health professionals because it’s meant to be a time of joy,” she said.

Emotional abuse was more common than physical abuse among the mums with postnatal depression.

Mums were also more likely to report symptoms of depression after their baby reached six months of age.

Assoc Prof Brown said that finding suggested most depressed mums could miss out on treatment because current guidelines suggest women be screened for postnatal depression in the first three months after giving birth.

“We would recommend that GPs regularly inquire about women’s emotional well-being and issues in their relationships with their partner rather than just limiting that discussion to the first consultation or those soon after the birth,” she said.

The emotional well-being of mothers and her physical well-being does have an impact on the health of the child so it  is vital that mums get the support they need. Not only do GP’s need to be more aware and vigilant, but mothers should come clean about their situation.

Have you had any personal experience of this?

Any one in your family you should be concerned about?

TV often get a bad rap when it comes to children watching. We often hear about the negative side with violence, sexualisation and ads for unhealthy food, and parents are really concerned about this.

Therefore,  the Australian Council on Children and the Media (ACCM) and author Margaret Chandler  complied a report based on the opinions of Australian parents and grandparents of young children aged 2-8.

They found that,” when it comes to television, parents agree with the experts: they want quality TV. They know that quality television will promote their children’s healthy development.

Parents want their children to experience what they remember fondly from television programs they watched when they were young: entertaining stories that connect them to and expand their world, told by people who have their wellbeing in mind. Programs that nurture the children’s sense of curiosity, fun, creativity, and also model kindness and gentleness.”

The conclusion of the parents was that “TV plays a positive role in young children’s lives when it’s high quality and when parents monitor their children’s viewing, watch television with them and talk about the program.”

Because TV is the major media platform in the lives of families, it’s important that parents are aware of is the essential role they need to play to make sure TV is a positive in their child’s life.

What has been your experience of TV viewing when you were a child and what is your experience now?

Do you agree with the parents quoted in this report?

Parenting guidance

Here is some parenting guidance for parents who feel at a loss when their kids are fighting and they do not know how to stop it. Neither do they know how to help them resolve the issue.

Most parents do not have a model to teach their child simple conflict resolution.

TLC is a useful anagram to help your child keep focused on the ideal way of resolving conflict.

Talk
Listen
Care

First you teach your child the anagram. Then you explain each word. Talk means the child is given the opportunity to have her say. She gets to explain her point of view and she must feel that the other party understood her.

Once she has spoken, she must give the other party the same opportunity to express the problem as they saw it.

Talking may go on for a while until both parties feel understood. This is facilitated by caring. If both parties care about the other’s feelings, both will feel understood and ready to find a solution.

If there is no care, then a battle of wills develops and it much harder to move on. Similarly, if there is no time given to speak and be heard, both parties will feel frustrated and want to express their angry feelings instead of move towards resolution.

Utilise this parenting guiidance. It is simple and effective.

Marriage counselors have a traditional way of working. It goes like this:

“Hi Marissa. Would you like to tell me what is bothering you? Terry, I would like you not to interrupt and really listen to what Marissa is saying. You will have your turn later on”.

Marissa then says: “Terry always works late and I have to bath the kids alone.”

The counsellor than asks Terry to repeat what Marissa has said and to show that he understands her feelings. Ideally, Terry should say: ” I understand that Marissa is tired and wishes I could be home to help bath the kids. It must be hard for her to do it alone.”

Marissa should then feel understood and happier. The jackpot would be if Terry promised never to be late again.

In real sessions, that does not happen. Terry keeps interrupting Marissa saying that he needs to work hard and could not provide for the family if he did not. Rather than supporting her, he actually wants her support and understanding of how tired he is.

This is where traditional counselling  gets stuck. Two tired people who both want support and validation. Both too tired and frustrated to be bothered to give the other what they want.

Gottman, an expert in marriage counselling, has found this type of counselling is not as effective as trying to build the relationship in positive ways. He has found that by increasing love, bonding and shared moments, conflict reduces.

Gottman is of the mind that these types of issues can rarely be agreed upon. However, if there is more love and support generally, these issues become smaller and more manageable.

Are you stuck in circular arguments with your partner?

From today, try not to focus on them and build your happy shared moments together. Then  let me know what happens.

Parenting goals

Often parents dish out punishment randomly without any parenting goals. Punishment should never be dished out randomly or excessively. If you are a parent who utilises punishment, then you need to keep the purpose of punishment clear.

Punishment should be seen as a method of assisting your child to stop a negative behaviour which she herself cannot do alone.

For example, if your child keeps forgetting to make her bed, you begin by making it a game for a week. If that does not work, you can try the drill method where you practice every day.

If that still does not work you may decide to punish which in effect means giving a consequence like: “if you do not make your bed, you will not have a treat at breakfast”. This will “hurt” your child and may be the necessary impetus for her to make a change. It is your way of helping her do the right thing.

Punishment is also helpful in teaching your child obedience which is a valuable life tool. We all have to obey rules like traffic signs or tax laws. Teaching your child to follow rules is therefore beneficial.

Punishment is not meant to humiliate or shame your child. Nor is it meant to crush her spirit or to take revenge for her misbehaviour.

From now on clarify your parenting goals. You will feel more centred and your child will benefit from appropriate discipline.

All couples disagree at some time or another. When 2 humans interact, sooner or later personal differences will appear that lead to conflict.

It can be over simple things like what type of restaurant to eat at or more complicated things like which school to send a child.

Sometimes it is over really complex matters like how to share income and expenses or how to meet differing levels of libido.

Many couples think that conflict signals the end of their relationships and give up. Other couples come for therapy and diligently battle away trying to find a solution that they can both agree on.

There is a third option – learning to live with differences and respecting each others right to their view unless it is immoral, destructive or abusive.

Mike and Jen are a case in point. He does not believe in celebrating Xmas and for Jen it is a special day.For years, she tried to convince him of this. He stood his ground often refusing to participate in family gatherings.

One consultation, I asked Mike if could prioritise his need for Jen and their relationship over his need to prove this point. He could. Thereafter, he joined her and supported her need to make the day special.

Neither Mike nor Jen relinquished their beliefs. However, they learned to agree to disagree. In this case, Mike found it easier to support Jen but in other cases she might be the one to support him despite her own view.

Being right is not always good for a relationships. Weighing up the significance of the issue against  the significance of the relationship, often puts in perspective where one should put one’s energy.

Is conflict spoiling your relationships? Are you trying to prove a point at the expense of your relationship?

Parenting from the heart

Parenting from the heart is much more useful than parenting from a book.

Like you, your child has feelings and moods. She therefore may be behaving badly because she is tired/angry/distressed/frustrated etc. and not because she is trying to rile you.

Giving your child support when she is distressed will be more beneficial than punishment in the long term. Put your child to sleep if she is very tired. Moreover, teach your child to recognise signs of hunger and fatigue so she can self soothe in the future.

Punishing your child when she is upset teaches your child nothing. Also, it may leave her feeling more upset and misunderstood.

Before administering a punishment, ask yourself the following questions:

Is my child possibly feeling tired/angry/distressed/out of control
etc?
Would punishment be beneficial in this situation?
Would support, encouragement, love, sympathy etc. be more beneficial than punishment in this situation?
Could my child benefit from learning how to express his feelings verbally rather than acting them out?

Children often act out when they feel terrible. Being a good parent means knowing when to administer punishment and when to employ other strategies. By being in tune with your daughter and her needs, you will find it easier to know how to act.

Parenting from the heart means that you responded emotionally to her needs and she will love you for it.

Parenting for fathers

Many fathers are looking for parenting advice. Fathers can be detached, over-involved or have a healthy sense of involvement.An effective father is an involved father

A detached father could be described as someone who is uninvolved physically or emotionally in the parenting of his child. If a father is detached in an ongoing way, not only will the mother feel overburdened and resentful, but the baby will grow up feeling unimportant and neglected.

At the other end of the spectrum is the over-involved father. He is the father who needs to do everything for his child and gives his child no space for individual growth. Such a child could grow up feeling controlled, intruded upon and out of touch with his strengths.

The “ideal” for a father to work towards is to have a healthy sense of involvement with his baby. In practice, this means showing interest and concern in the development of your child but allowing him the leeway to develop according to his own abilities and interests.

Suggestions on how to be an involved father.

From day one, every bit of contact you have with your baby will build the relationship. Therefore, do not run away but be present as much as possible. Help wherever you can. Make eye contact with your baby , play with him and cuddle him as much as you can.

Over the years, expose your child to your work, hobbies, interests. By doing so you will provide a window to the world for your child which will be quite different from the window provided by mother.

Make time to interact with your child and to forge an independent relationship with him. Watch how he thrives from your interaction and love.

Fathers, let your parenting be a positive experience for you and your child.

Parenting for dads

Many modern dads are interested in good parenting models. They want to know how best to father their sons.

A father who interacts with his son, and is involved in his upbringing, will provide an important role-model, teaching his son how to father effectively. This interaction will also assist his son’s developing heterosexuality. In addition, I have observed in my clinical practice that sons who have involved, caring fathers have fewer discipline problems than other boys.

This does not imply that you should only be a discipline figure in your son’s life. Sons require a lot of affection. When your son is little, hold him, hug him, kiss him. When he is older, if he objects to being hugged and kissed, find other ways of making physical contact such as patting him on the back or shaking his hand.

Boys are emotional beings too. Fathers often want their sons to be “a man” and encourage what they perceive to be manly. Remember, boys are emotional beings just as girls are, but are often socialised to be tough, unemotional and brave. If they are not able to actually feel tough or brave, boys are encouraged to put on a tough/brave face. This is not helpful to their emotional well-being.

When your son is emotional, try not to belittle him or tell him, “Big boys don’t cry”. Rather, try and accept him as he is, and offer comfort and reassurance when necessary. Do not worry that he will grow into a wimp. On the contrary, you will be assisting him to develop into an adult who can form lasting relationships.

Discuss feelings with your son. Let him see you cry. Role model treating his mother and all women well. Remember, you will be his most powerful example for life. I hope you found these parenting tips for dads helpful.

Parenting fighting siblings

A huge challenge in parenting is when siblings are fighting. Most parents I have met get distressed when there is conflict in the family.
They hate it when their children fight with each other.
They get very distressed when their child is having conflict with a friend.
They worry when they are in the grip of conflict with their child themselves.

If you are one of these parents, it will help you to view conflict as an inevitable part of life. Instead of being afraid of conflict, see it as an opportunity for your child to derive new and better solutions to problems.

Whenever two people interact, conflict is highly likely. This is because no two people think and feel alike. The fact your child gets into arguments means he is an autonomous individual asserting his own ideas. This is a good thing.

However, the way he asserts his ideas is important too. He needs to learn to deal with conflict in a constructive way.

Instead of dreading the parenting bit that involves fighting siblings, see it as an opportunity for growth. By teaching your child effective conflict resolution skills, he will be able to resolve the issues that bother him. He will not destroy relationships in the process. He can emerge from the conflict better than before.

Parenting eye contact

Eye contact in parenting is very important. Language can be verbal or non-verbal. This means that when we speak, we speak with words and our bodies. When you speak to your child, what was does your body language convey?

Acceptance
Love
Focus
Anger
Intimidation
Firmness
Impatience
Boredom
Indifference
Interest
Happiness

All these feelings can be revealed in your eyes. In fact, eyes give everything away. No matter what your words say, your true feelings will come through in your eyes. That is why in parenting eye contact is vital.

Arms and hands are very revealing too. Anger or intimidation are clearly conveyed in where you place your arms and what you are doing with your hands. Open arms with relaxed hands suggest calmness, openness and friendliness.

Legs and feet tell the other person where your stand, literally and figuratively. Which way are they pointing? Facing directly and not fidgeting means you are focused and present in the interaction.

Your answers should help you identify areas for improvement. If you want to get closer to your child, you may have to work on conveying love, interest and acceptance.

Parenting evaluation questions

Sometimes we think we are communicating well but in fact we are not. Here are some evalaution questions that will help you to clarify how well you are doing in communicating with your child.

Did you speak to your child today? _________________________________

For how long? _____________________________________________

What was the content of your conversation?
(a)Allocating chores
(b)Correcting the child’s behaviour
(c)Assisting with homework
(d)Giving instructions
(e)Criticising
(f)Lecturing
(g)Sharing about the day
(h)Sharing feelings
(i)Asking for his opinion
(j)Talking about his dreams and aspirations
(k)Comforting him

60% of your discussion should involve (g) to (k).

How did you do on these evaluation questions? If you scored less than 60% then you need to improve your communication skills.

Here are some tips: from today, focus on listening more and sharing more. At the same time do not lecture and correct as much. Think about forming a relationship with your child that is more than just getting through the day. Work on talking about feelings and experiences and try and get to know your child as a person.

Parenting effective communication

Effective communication is vital in good parenting. Very often we talk to your children, but our minds are a 100 miles away. We are busy and rushed with a million things to do.

If you would like your child to connect with you more, it is important that he/she feels that you are present with him/her in the moment.

Ask yourself: the last time your child approached you for a chat, were you busy with something else at the time?
Cooking
Cleaning
Reading emails
Watching TV
Talking on the phone
Doing homework
Fixing a light bulb

If you answered yes to one or more of these, then make a conscious effort next time to focus. Put whatever you are doing down and concentrate on what is being said to you.

If you are doing something that cannot wait, like talking to a doctor, then assure your child you will be available to talk soon.

Parents often complain to me that their children do not speak to them. Looking closer it become apparent that there is no space to chat because you are busy all the time. Sometimes planning and doing chores at a different time does wonder because then there are breaks when there is time to connect.

Watch your child come chat to you more and more as he/she feels you are focused on him/her.

As your communication in your parenting becomes more effective, observe how it improves the relationship you have with your child overall. It is quite simple really.