Our practice specialises in treating anxiety and we find this site very helpful. We are happy to supply this reference as a resource.

www.understandinganxiety.com.au

At six months, you have reached a symbolic landmark in your relationship. It could be said to be the first major milestone you have encountered as a couple.

While it may not be your comfort zone, the six month mark is an appropriate time to reflect on how to proceed. Positive or negative, the fundamental nature of the relationship will transform once you enter the second half of your first year together.
Fork in the road
At this point, it will serve you well to make a conscious choice about how you want to proceed in this relationship. One path will lead to deeper commitment. The other will look the same as before — an extended sentence of casual dating or a ticket back to the single life.

Even if everything seems perfect, the decisions you make now could make or break the relationship. If you want the relationship to move up a level, you need to be explicit about your intentions and come across strongly in your convictions.

Stop, think, and decide

Are you happy with your girlfriend?  You may have had your fun for six months, but do you want to share your future with her?

If there is a doubt in your mind about the relationship, address it now while you are still capable of remembering life without her. As you fall deeper into the relationship routine, the task will become more difficult with each passing day.

Habit is a crippling behaviour and over time you will become more and more trapped and immobilised if you stay in the relationship for convenience. On the flip side, moving up to the next level could bring happiness and fulfilment.

Renee suggests 7 ways to ease kids into daycare in an article in the body and soul magazine.

Click here to read the article in Body + Soul

I have always struggled with the term “good divorce” which is a term popularised in the 1990s to describe a break-up in which the parents are co-operative, the children remain close to both, and emerge, apparently, unscathed.
Working with broken families, I have never seen anyone emerge intact. So when a new study showed that even a ”good” divorce may not protect children from the fall-out of a marriage breakdown, it felt more congruent to me.
Paul Amato, the lead author, and professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University says, ”Creating a positive post-divorce family environment – although worthwhile – is no guarantee that children will be unharmed by marital dissolution.”
The study found the offspring from ”good” divorces were no better off on a range of well-being measures than youngsters of divorced parents who did not get on.
In self-esteem, satisfaction with life and school, their experimentation with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, and in their school marks, children of ”good” divorces scored no better.
As young adults they were as likely as peers with less co-operative divorced parents to report having had under-age sex and substance abuse problems; and they enjoyed no better relationships with their mothers.
However, the ”good divorce ” group had better relationships with their fathers, and as children, fewer behaviour problems.
Professor Amato, a highly regarded researcher with a background at the Australian Institute of Family Studies, said in the absence of domestic violence it made sense for couples not yet fully committed to separation to try to rebuild their relationship.
For parents who did separate, counsellors should help them learn strategies to reduce stressors for children that often followed divorce.
It all seems obvious to me but having research to confirm it is important because hopefully it will give some people the impetus to really try and save their families.

Dating is difficult and can wreak havoc with your self-esteem. Rejection or uncertainty can make you feel vulnerable and insecure.
Here are some ways to save your self-esteem while dating:
1.    Avoid high expectations. If you meet someone and develop really high expectations quickly, you probably won’t find what you’re looking for.
2.    Don’t lie about your appearance. It’s easier than ever to do so in the age of online dating, but nobody wins if you post pictures that are 10 years old.
3.    Establish firm boundaries. If, after the first date, someone constantly cancels subsequent dates or if you find yourself staring at your cell phone waiting for a text that does not come, it may be time to move on. If the other person is really interested, he or she will go out of his or her way to contact you.
4.    Be yourself. Know that inside you’re a great person. If a person you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same, don’t waste your time trying to convince them that you’re great. Others need to appreciate and understand you for who you are today, not some “ideal” version of you, or someone you might be in the future.
5.    Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner, tell the truth about yourself — and expect the truth from others. There is nothing worse than spending lots of time dating a person only to find out much later an important secret or lie of omission about them.
6.    Be hopeful. Just because you meet someone who doesn’t fit your expectations doesn’t mean you should give up hope. Keep in mind that the right person may also be out there looking for you, too. It’s a matter of keep trying, over and over again, until you find someone who just feels right.
With thanks: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/07/08/dating-some-self-esteem-savers/

The seven year itch theory does not hold up any more. Research today confirms that relationships hit a low after three years.

Here are some statistics of the decline experienced by couples after three years in a relationship:

First three years/ After three years

Row for 1.2 hours per week/Row for 2.7 hours per week

Sex 3 times a week: 52% /Sex 3 times a week: 16%

Dine out 4 times a month/Dine out twice a month…once a month at 5 years

Compliment 3 times per week/Compliment once a week….none at 5 years

Habits endearing/67% find the same habits a turn off

The biggest frustrations with a partner include a partner’s weight gain, lack of money, anti-social working hours, lack of personal hygiene and too much time with the in-laws.

Common irritations that kill passion over time include wearing of unfashionable clothes and underwear, lack of sexy underwear, snoring and other anti-social bedtime habits. Bad bathroom habits like failing to lock doors or clean up nail clippings and other mess complete the top ten gripes among lovers.

Other factors in the reduction of affection include the fast pace of 21st century life, longer working hours and financial worries. A lack of sex or romantic gestures, and treats in a relationship, are cause for complaint. A partner drinking too much alcohol is a major source of strife.

There are 2 important things to take into account here:

1. Your relationship will decline after 3 years. Expect it. Do not feel you are different from other people or that another relationship will provide a different outcome.
2. Having realistic expectations and working to overcome these frustrations can help you to have a satisfying, long term connection.

It is important that parents can talk frankly about sex. Often parents are worried about the sexual activity of their kids and are not sure if it is appropriate or not.
It’s a minefield that every parent must navigate carefully. However, they do not know what normal sexual behaviour among their children is.
A new book called Is this Normal? Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Behaviour, warns that even some pre-school kids are crossing the line when it comes to sexual behaviour.
Playing “doctor and nurse” is fine. But watch out for “red light” cases that can be a harmful and worrying trend of early sexual behaviour.
Child sex experts say while normal behaviour varies in different age groups, children as young as eight are engaging in oral sex at school and some in childcare are touching themselves in public.
Co-authors Holly Brennan and Judy Graham use a “traffic light” model to indicate to parents and carers if what their children are doing is OK or if they need help.
Red light cases are harmful, orange light cases can be of concern and green lights show sexual behaviours that are normal and age appropriate.
For example, two four-year-olds playing in a cubby house innocently exploring their bodies in a “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game is classed as a green light case. But if a seven-year-old girl said she saw a 13-year-old boy touching her friend’s private parts that is a red light.
What parents often do not know is that children are sexual beings and have urges. It is our job as parents to be vigilant and protective. Teach your child about personal space and private parts and encourage sharing of information.

I have selected some great self-esteem quotes.  I believe that they are useful in reminding ourselves how valuable our own opinions of ourselves are, sometimes in spite of what we hear from others.

When you feel down or question yourself, say a quote that resonates with you, aloud. Watch how your mood changes and your confidence rises.

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

~ Golda Meir

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

~ Anna Freud

“Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.”

~ St. Francis De Sales

“Listen to your heart above all other voices.”

~ Marta Kagan

“Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.”

~ Unknown Author

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

~ Judy Garland

“You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.”

~ Lou Holtz

Self-trust is the first secret of success.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will.”

~ John Atkinson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.”

~ Les Brown

If you have quotes that you find useful, I would love to hear them.

I have horrible anxiety. When adults are angry at me and they text me or call me about it I have anxiety attacks. My friend’s mom is angry at me and she has tried to call me and text me multiple times but I can’t answer because it triggers my anxiety. How do I let her know about my anxiety?

One way of managing anger is to look within. It’s a matter of becoming psychological-minded and engaging in introspection. Tune into the inner dialogue that you customarily have with yourself.
•    Uproot mistaken beliefs that underlie your response. Very often anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as, that life must be fair. Unfairness exists. The belief that you are entitled to fairness results from the mistaken idea that you are special. If you feel that you are special, you will certainly find lots to be angry about, because the universe is indifferent to us.
Insisting that life must be fair is not only irrational, it will cause you to collect injustices done to your noble self. Even if you are experiencing nothing more than your fair share of unfairness, such a belief can still fuel rage and lead to depression.
Those who hold the deep belief that life should always be fair cannot abide when it is unfair. That leads directly to rage that is totally inert, because they believe there is nothing that they can do about the unfairness. They feel helpless and hopeless—in other words, depressed. Self-pity is another description of the same phenomenon.
•    Notice your own complaining. Listen for both overt and covert complaining. Overt complaining hassles others. It’s really a manipulative strategy. Know when it’s becoming a downer and a barrier to a strategy of effectiveness—like complaining about a fly in your soup. Covert complaining hassles you; it drags you down into passivity and inertia. Once you notice it, determine to give it up.
•    Once you can accept that life sometimes is unfair, and then you can pursue positive purpose. You can work constructively against injustices you find, transforming your anger into passion. Or you can pursue fulfilment in spite of the unfairness that exists.
With thanks to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/anger-pain-and-depression

Divorce marks the end of a marriage. It is a sad time. Going through the legalities and financials are difficult. However, they can also be seen as concrete ways that prove that the relationship is over.
MOURN THE LOSS
It is important to mourn the loss of the relationship and lay it to rest. Many couples are not able to do this and take many years to achieve closure.
Very often I see couples who keep going back to each other and trying to make it work. Other couples keep talking about their “ex’ so that even though they are not together in reality, they are ever present in their minds.
Many couples keep comparing their present life to the past and it always seems to fall short. They feel depressed and dissatisfied with the present and are stuck in the past.
That is why it is vital to be brutally honest – accept that the relationship is deceased, gone, non –existent, never to be reincarnated. Once you do that you become free to move on.
MOVING ON
In other words, as soon as you become aware that the marriage may be dead but you are still very much alive, you will proceed with your life. You will discover that you are still capable of many things including loving and forming a new attachment.
See the end of your marriage as new beginning. It is an especially good time for self reflection and personal growth. If you can take lessons from your failed marriage, and use them to do better next time, it will not have been a waste.
In my opinion, there certainly can be life after divorce. In fact, it may even be a better, more loving life.

Last week I presented the latest research on controlled crying which, on the whole, was positive. However, many other experts do not agree.
1.    A new guide from parenting service Safe Sleep Space, opposes controlled crying and says that taking a gentle, positive approach is more effective than laying down the law.
2.    SA Health guidelines do not support controlled crying, and instead encourage mothers to use attachment techniques.
3.    The Women’s and Children’s Health Network guidelines suggest wrapping, rocking, patting and having a constant background noise.
4.    They also suggest developing a routine early in a child’s life to encourage the development of a sleeping pattern.
5.    Maternal and child health nurse Helen Stevens says that desperate parents whose toddlers refuse to sleep should ditch the tough love approach, because ordering youngsters back to bed, closing the bedroom door and threatening punishment is distressing, unnecessary and counter-productive. Instead, parents should feel free to sit with them so they feel secure. “Parents get a bit desperate with toddlers and take the hard line, but it’s not necessary,” said Ms Stevens, who has helped develop the DVD Safe Sleep Space.
Ms Stevens said her philosophy echoed the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health position, which says it may have “unintended negative consequences”.
“We work with a lot of parents and those who try it, the toddlers got worse, their behaviours more clingy,” she said.
All this information is confusing and the truth is, we still do not know. My view is that several parenting styles could work, there does not have to be one RIGHT way of parenting.
The best way is the way that is comfortable for you as long as it has not been proven damaging or cruel.

Low self-esteem is often misunderstood, and even misdiagnosed, by many counsellors as being of secondary concern.
The truth is that low self-esteem (LSE) is not merely a symptom. It is frequently the root cause of problems like depression, anxiety, relationship breakdowns, parenting difficulties and anger.
That may be a reason therapy is not working for you – because you are not dealing with the core issue- LSE.
If you are not sure that you have LSE, a test may help you. The critical issue though is to utilise a test that has been developed by academics and has scientific reliability and validity.
What this means, is that the test is proven to test what it says it tests, every time.
There are hundreds of tests on the web, many put together by well meaning individuals. Even if these tests are free, and the website inviting, it does not mean that you are getting an accurate reading of your self-esteem.
My advice is to read and participate with discretion. Take information whence it comes. If an individual is passionate about self-esteem and has good ideas based on life experience, that is great. But it does not mean that they can construct a test that is valid.
Psychologists are specialists in human behaviour based on scientific inquiry. When tests are developed there are criteria that need to be met. It takes time, money and lots of energy. Once a test is accredited it has gone through a rigorous procedure.
The reason this it is vital that you take a valid test is that self diagnosis at best is inaccurate. Home industry questionnaires contribute to  mis-diagnoses and can prevent you from seeking appropriate treatment.
The solution: Only self- diagnose with valid tests constructed by credible professionals and visit a qualified professional for confirmation.

Is it possible for someone who has a lot of emotional baggage to go from having a lifetime of low self-esteem to feeling great about oneself (at least most of the time if not all)? Can this really happen and how?

A survey of 2,000 adults in steady relationships suggests that couples are spending less and less time together.
The average couple spends just 13.9 hours a week in each other’s company.
It appears that romance begins to lose its sparkle around the three-year mark at which time couples are apart for even longer. Couples increasingly resort to solo holidays and ‘free passes’ – leisure time away from their partner.
Three quarters of the couples that were surveyed- 76 per cent – say that ‘individual space’ is important within a relationship. Nearly half – 45 per cent – said they would jump at the chance of a week away from their other half provided their partner would not find out what they got up to.
What is this?  Do couples believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Are they spending time apart in the hope of keeping their relationships alive? Or are couples simply drifting apart?
There are a number of reasons couples drift apart but staying away from each other for prolonged sessions will not heal the relationship. It may ignite a sexual spark when you re-unite but will not restore the relationship to its former glory.
A major factor couples grow apart is the chemistry diminishes. This is a physiological fact. The heightened attraction lasts maximally for 36 months and after that couples need to work on being passionate and communicative.
In other words, give up the notion that spending time apart will restore the relationship.  Instead:

• Focus on working together to find ways of being romantic, loving and close.

• Go away together and have a dream week end.

• Talk about your sexual needs instead of letting chemistry do the trick.

• Communicate about your feelings.

This way, your relationship will be given the best chance to survive and thrive.

Are you in favour of controlled crying? Well, it seems that there is some evidence that it could be helpful and not damaging to babies.
An unpublished study from Flinders University found controlled crying did not increase the stress levels of babies, or lead to any attachment disorders, a year after the controlled sleeping phase.
Lead researcher and senior lecturer in child psychology Dr Michael Gradisar said the Flinders study found decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the saliva of babies that were subject to controlled crying.
“It makes us think that what has happened is that this technique has helped to resolve their sleeping issues,” Dr Gradisar said.
He said it was possible that with the increase in sleep, mum was also less stressed and as a result mother and child began interacting better.
On the first night, parents were to leave a child for just two minutes, a time which increased to a maximum of 15 minutes by night three.
Dr Gradisar said further research was needed in the area to see if the results could be replicated.
Murdoch Children’s Research Centre research found controlled crying was successful with babies more than six months old.
Sleep expert Dr Brian Symon said there was no scientific evidence which showed controlled crying had an adverse impact on the child.
Associate Professor Rosemary Horne, deputy director of The Ritchie Centre at Monash Institute of Medical Research, said controlled crying could be successful in toddlers, but must be done properly.
Not everyone agrees and some experts say it is dangerous and cruel. This underpins the value of ongoing research so that a definitive answer can be obtained. In the meantime, as the jury is still out, it seems that you can continue to utilise controlled crying with your baby if it resonates with you.

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” In other words, you can accept or reject another person’s evaluation of you.
Let’s say you are 6 ft 6 inches tall and somebody called you “Shorty”, you would not take it seriously. You would think that they are being sarcastic, or they are out of touch with reality.
Similarly, if you were sure that you had worth then no matter what anybody said, no matter how insulting they were, you would not believe them.
On the other hand, if you frequently get upset and feel put down by others, it means that you put yourself down internally. When they make a comment, not necessarily a put down, you silently agree and it upsets you.
Here are 3 actions that will help you:
1.    Stop putting yourself down. Be aware of what you tell yourself and consciously change your internal dialogue.
You can’t develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities. Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments.
2.    Replace your negative phrases with affirmations to enhance your self-esteem. On the back of a small card, write out a statement such as “I am enough, I do enough, I have enough”.
Carry the card with you. Repeat the statement several times during the day. Whenever you say the affirmation, allow yourself to experience positive feelings about your statement.
3.    Accept all compliments with “thank you.” When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You.”

Building self-esteem is a process and these steps will help you along the way.

Many people do not enjoy conflict. And many people choose passive ways of dealing with conflict. Here are 4 common passive conflict styles:

The Avoider: Avoiders refuse to fight. When a conflict arises, they will leave, fall asleep, and pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem in some other way. This behaviour makes it very difficult for their spouses/friends to express feelings of anger, hurt, etc., because avoiders won’t fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won’t even put up his gloves.
The Denier: Not only do deniers refuse to face up to a conflict, they pretend that there is nothing at all wrong. This denial really drives their friends/spouses crazy when they definitely feel there is a problem, and it causes them to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodator.
The Guilt Maker: Instead of dealing with feelings directly, guilt makers try to change their spouses or friend’s behaviour by attempting to have them take responsibility for causing pain. The guilt maker’s favourite line is “It’s okay, don’t worry about me…” accompanied by a big sigh.
The Subject Changer: Really a type of avoider, the subject changer escapes facing up to anger by shifting the conversation whenever it approaches a conflictual stage. Because of these tactics, subject changers and their spouses/friends never have the chance to explore their problem and do something about it.
While there are times it is best to avoid conflict, sometimes it is preferable to assert yourself and deal with issues. Issues do not go away by themselves.
With thanks to http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp

Did you know that the 80 20 rule can be applied to issues in a relationship?
The easiest way to interpret it with respect to relationships is this:
80% of all frustrations in a relationship are caused by just 20% of the problems.
Irritations like clothes lying around the room, taking ages to get dressed, spending too much time with friends or over the phone, can feel like a multitude of issues. However, if you classify them you will find that they fit into only a few categories like tidiness, hygiene, punctuality and so on.
Also, frequently little annoyances get magnified because you’re already upset with your partner for some other bigger reason.  Therefore, focus on the few, deeper rooted issues, sort them out and your relationship will improve.
To use the 80 20 rule in relationships in your own life, the first thing you need to do is to stop worrying about the 80% of things that cause minimal frustration. Address only the 20% of the issues that cause the majority (80%) of the frustrations in the relationship.
For example, if you believe that hygiene is paramount and, if that improves you will have most of what you want (80%), then communicate about hygiene and ignore the rest. Also communicate about it as a category rather than pointing out every breach.
The 80 20 rule in relationships is fascinating and can help you understand what matters in a relationship. But it’s up to your judgment to find and focus on the appropriate details. For the rest, take a passing glance, and move on.

How do parents keep their children safe when child pornography is rife?
Australian police are warning of an epidemic in child pornography. They say that paedophiles are increasingly recording themselves abusing children and sharing these images with child sex networks.
Australian Federal Police (AFP) said officers used to find hundreds of photographs on a suspect’s computer but they were now confronting people hoarding hundreds of thousands or even millions of images and videos.
Head of the AFP’s cyber crime unit, Assistant Commissioner Neil Gaughan, said while it did not necessarily reflect an increase in the number of child sex assaults, more were being recorded and uploaded onto the Internet.
The number of Australians arrested by the AFP for child pornography offences in 2011 was 180, compared with 136 the previous year — about a 30 percent rise.
Gaughan said police had enhanced their technical ability to stop child abusers sharing pornographic imagery in recent years.
“We’re not going to (be able to) stop people sexually assaulting their kids, that’s a community issue,” Gaughan said.
“But if we can work with industry to get better tools to stop the dissemination, we can hopefully cut some of the supply.”
The AFP said cooperation with authorities around the world was also important, given that images and videos of child sex were being used as “currency” by offenders to buy their way into transnational paedophile groups.
This adds stress to parenting children. What can you do to protect your child?
1.    Educate your child to get close to only a few people.
2.    Teach your child that nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
3.    Encourage your child to tell you about their feelings and experiences.
4.    Be alert to what your child is doing when and with whom.

Self-esteem starts to develop in early childhood, around age two. It is not measurable before the age of five or six because up until this time two functions of self-esteem, competence and worthiness, operate independently of each other.
In other words, when an infant acquires the skill of clapping, he is delighted with himself. However, he does not think about whether clapping increases or lowers his worth as a human being.
Between the ages of five and eight self-esteem becomes increasingly defined.
Children begin to make judgments about their self worth and competence in five areas:

• physical appearance

• social acceptance

• scholastic ability

• athletic and artistic skills

• behaviour

At this point in childhood, a child is able to evaluate his accomplishments in terms of their worthiness and connects the two. A child develops an increasing awareness of those things he is good at and those he is not good at.
Self-esteem acts as a filter through which we judge our performances. In this way, it may determine how we approach future tasks.
By adulthood self-esteem can be changed from a mostly reactive phenomenon to one that can be consciously acted upon to either increase or decrease feelings of self worth.
If you have self-esteem, issues, they will not get better on their own. You can learn skills that will enable you to take charge of your self-esteem and utilise it to move forward.
As an adult you have the capacity to evaluate messages and values pushed out by society and go against the flow if you choose. You can let go of the belief that if you are not clever at maths you are useless as a human being and feel worthwhile no matter your skill set.

Here are ways to keep anger from feeding your depression.
•    First, identify your anger and acknowledge it. Anger is one of those emotions whose expression is sometimes subject to taboos so that people can grow up unable to recognize it; they feel its physical discomfort but can’t label it. If you are one of those, learn about anger and how to recognise it.
•    Build a vocabulary for your internal states. If you have a word for your emotional state, then you can begin to deal with it. Feelings are fluid; you need to stop and capture them in a word, or else you lose them and don’t know you have them. A label improves your ability to understand your feelings.
•    View your anger as a signal. It is not something to be escaped. It is not something to be suppressed. It is something to be accepted as a sign that some deeper threat has occurred that needs your attention.
•    Make yourself aware of the purpose your anger serves. Be sure to distinguish purpose from passion. Things that have a positive purpose seek betterment, growth, love, enhancement, fulfilment. Things that have a negative purpose are motivated by a sense of deficiency. Your boss yells at you, you feel diminished; the anger you express at others is driven by the blow you’ve just received. Are you enraged about an inequity or unfairness?
•    If your anger is deficiency-motivated, driven by a wish to rectify a wrong you believe done to you, work on acceptance. Give up your obsession about the wrong. See that the opposite of anger is not passivity but more functional assertiveness.
•    Once you have identified the purpose, lower your anger and achieve the purpose in a rational constructive manner.

Fathers today want to be more involved in raising and caring for their children but pressures from work are pulling them in the other direction.

A new book, Time Bomb: Work, rest and play in Australia today, says half of fathers with young children work more than 45 hours a week, regarded as ”long hours”, compared with 29 per cent of workers overall.
In Time Bomb, authors Barbara Pocock, Natalie Skinner and Philippa Williams note that for working fathers the pressure is getting worse and for those with preschool children, paid work rose by an average 5.7 hours in the decade to 2006.
Professor Pocock said that often, as men’s careers take off in their early 30s, the children start to arrive. Men were experiencing the ”coincidence of a certain moment of their life cycle and career cycle alongside those early years of a child’s life.”
She said changes to the labour market were intensifying that pressure with big growth in professional and managerial employment, and a prevalence of unpaid overtime. A generation ago many more men were in blue-collar work where you could clock off at a regular time.
”What we’re actually seeing is it’s getting tougher for fathers,” she said.
Research points to persistent long hours adding to the risk of mental and physical health issues.
Professor Pocock said that while there had been enormous change to the labour market and industry over the past 30 years, there had not been changes in flexibility to allow workers to have greater control. ”There’s enormous talk around flexibility,” she said. ‘But the talk has run ahead of the reality.”
Do you work long hours? How is it affecting your relationships?

People with high self-esteem act and think in ways that contribute to their self-esteem! The way they interact with the world improves their chances of success and helps them keep on developing positive self-esteem.
1.    Learn to be calm and relaxed
People with high self-esteem are also generally more optimistic and relaxed than people who have lower self-esteem. Having a calm, positive approach makes you more likely to experience situations in a positive way.
2.    Create a positive spiral
People who are fearful and anxious, might have unfortunate experiences – at least partly because they expect things to go wrong. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Create positive cycles in your life by going into new things with a fresh, positive perspective.
3.    Make friendly connections, put yourself out there
”Lucky” people have been found to be friendly, outgoing and more inclined to start chatting to strangers in a coffee shop. Those who keep to themselves or hide behind a newspaper have less chance of a ‘lucky encounter’.
4.    Have some confidence
Act confident in social situations even if you do not feel it. Success experiences build confidence and are a way of improving self esteem.
5.    Improving self-esteem means changing beliefs
What you believe about yourself is a key element in having high self-esteem. If you believe you are a capable person and act like a capable person – your chances of success increase. This success contributes to improving self-esteem.
6.    Making positive self-esteem a habit
A habit is simply a set of behaviours that you do so often that it becomes second nature. The aim is to improve self-esteem by learning high self-esteem behaviours and practicing them until they become your second nature.
7.     Characteristics of High Self-Esteem You Can Develop
•    High self awareness (Living Consciously)
•    Self love and self acceptance
(through cultivating a sense of gratitude , reducing self criticism, using affirmations )
•    Self respect.
(through learning to be assertive and acting with integrity)

Tune in to ABC Local Radio on Monday, April 9th at 1pm for the ‘Easter Afternoon with Aaron Kearney’ program. Renee will be part of a panel discussion on smacking. Check your local ABC radio station for your bandwidth.  For Sydney listeners, it’s 702 on the AM band

It is probably impossible for two people, who live work or interact with one another, not to have conflict sooner or later. Conflict is not necessarily bad and can lead to good outcomes if conducted fairly.

Here are some fair fighting rules:

• Stay in the present. Don’t dredge up things from the past or predict the future.
• Stick to one issue. Try to identify exactly what triggered your anger.
• Use “I feel” statements. Stay away from “you make me” statements.
• Avoid the words “always” and “never.”
• Avoid name calling and degrading or profane names. Name calling and profanity are often the fastest way to arouse another person’s anger.
• Take time to listen. Don’t say, “I know what you are thinking or feeling.”
• Don’t interrupt–Wait your turn to speak. Only one person at a time should speak.
• Don’t assign blame. Avoid “I’m right” or “you’re wrong” statements.
• Focus on the real issue. Don’t argue about minor or unrelated details.
• Clarify what you are hearing. Repeat back to the other person what you heard them say. Ask them if you are on track.
• Don’t hit below the belt. Refrain from using intimate knowledge to attack or hurt the other person.
• Lower your voice. “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
• Take a time-out when needed. If you sense an unsafe situation or your own anger seriously limits your ability to follow these rules, agree to come back and discuss the issues at an agreed upon time.

When you apply these rules, you will feel better because you will have aired your grievance but not lost control.

With thanks to http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp

A new book has criticised hands-on parenting techniques. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food, laments her baby girl’s inability to sit up at a dinner table as opposed to the obedient French children who sit upright and silent as they delicately eat their fish and chips.
Druckerman’s book comes hot on the heels of Amy Chua’s Tiger Mama, which recommends ‘‘tough love’’ parenting to get your children into Yale. In contrast to Chua, Druckerman is arguing for a little French nonchalance.
It’s easy to see why this type of book keeps coming and why we keep reading them. Chua and Druckerman offer simple answers to a bafflingly complex problem. Never before has the world been so crowded, so quickly changing, so competitive. And parents are looking for advice as to what is the most effective parenting style.
Druckerman places the blame for her child’s “bad” behaviour firmly on ‘‘attachment parenting’’ – a hands-on style that is very much in vogue in Australia as well as the US.
She says that our proclivity for responding quickly to the needs of our children, praising them to develop self-esteem and eating between meal times is creating a generation of overweight, bad-tempered and undisciplined youngsters, not to mention destroying their mothers’ lives.
Both these books are not scientific studies. They are the personal experience of one mum and her child. In contrast, psychologists, who are researchers, know that for people to develop into empathetic and fully functioning adults, they need to have strong relationships with the people who love them most.
Chua’s solution is relentless hard work, Druckerman’s is to let children figure out it on their own, and that of the helicopter parent is to be there to guide them every step of the way.
My advice is to enjoy reading these books for what they are but do not base your important parenting decisions on anecdotal information.

Here is a blog post I recently read, I thought it has value.

“Whether it’s right or wrong, in the fledgling stages of building up a poor self image, “putting your best foot forward” is a step in the right direction and should be taken seriously if you are serious about changing your daily happiness levels.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, I encourage you to approach your wardrobe as something of a project. Do the research on what looks good on your body type and throw out the things in your wardrobe that make you feel unattractive?
That includes the clothes you wear around the house – after all, low self-esteem follows you everywhere.
Make sure you have an outfit that makes the most out of your appearance for every occasion and use them.
If you need to, design a self-esteem clothing wardrobe in writing or diagrams with all the things that mix and match and the accessories and tape that to the inside of your wardrobe.
Once you have it figured out, you can forget about it. After all, it’s just as easy to put on self- esteem clothing as it is to put on horrible ones.
If you want to take it a step further, invest in a consultation with a high class hairdresser and find out what style suits your face the best.
You’ve probably watched the “make-over” shows on television with some envy at the complete turnaround the contestant’s experience. It’s time to do that for yourself. Identify what’s letting you down and face it with determination.
Self-esteem clothing and your appearance doesn’t have to be the most important aspect in your life, or even the 10th most important thing, but it can be one area of your life that doesn’t add to your low self-esteem.”

Read more: http://www.buildingself-esteem.com/self-esteem-clothing.html#ixzz1nnzEHhLd

The following are questions designed to help identify potential problems you may have with anger and/or control. This is not a researched scale, but it can point to serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.
•    Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?
•    If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he say you get along well with them?
•    Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?
•    Does your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?
•    Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
•    Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?
•    Have you ever called someone a “bitch,” “bastard,” “crazy,” or some other derogatory name?
•    Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?
•    Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
•    Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?
•    Have you ever been “blind” with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?
•    Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?
•    Have you ever ripped someone’s clothes when angry?
•    When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?
If you answered yes to 2 or more of the above questions, you may have an anger problem that needs to be addressed.

Barely a day goes by in the media without a piece scoffing at ‘‘helicopter parents’’, child kings and attachment parenting. The argument goes that our desire to be good parents has led to a generation of narcissistic, obese, rude and badly behaved children.
Studies evaluating parenting styles and their results do not confirm this argument. You might find the helicopter-parented child a bit of a whinger, but the worst-behaved children are those who are ignored.
Overwhelming evidence now points to hands-on parenting as a critical reason behind a successful and confident adult life. The OECD recently published a series of studies showing that students whose parents often read books with them in early childhood showed markedly higher scores, irrespective of socio-economic background.
Parenting has evolved into such a hands-on style it is because parents think it will work. However, parents have taken it too far and balance must be sought.
Here are some tips on how to be helicopter parents who are around and aware but not stifling emotional growth:
1.    It is important to be attached and focused on the needs of your child but you also need to give space for autonomy and independence.
2.    There is a difference between a baby crying incessantly at night for comfort and a four year old screaming for a lolly.
3.    Giving your child a voice does not mean in all matters and at all times. Sometimes you have to override that voice in the larger interest. You have the wisdom to know when what your child wants makes sense or is just an infantile demand.
4.    Teaching the ability to delay gratification, have values like sharing, being polite and exhibiting socially acceptable behaviour are all important for your child’s well-being. Attachment and giving everything your child desires are two separate things.

Both research and experience show that when people pay attention to and make positive changes in their self talk, their anger is reduced and they gain control of themselves.
When you feel yourself starting to get angry, take time out to get a grip on yourself mentally by the use of anger-down talk. Listed below are some examples.
Examples:
•    I feel angry–that means I must have been hurt or something.
•    I’m getting angry. I better figure out what’s underneath it.
•    I can stay calm.
•    I don’t need to prove myself.
•    I don’t have to defend myself.
•    I can face this.
•    I’m the only person who can make me mad or keep me calm.
•    It’s time to relax.
•    It’s okay to be unsure.
•    Nothing says I have to be competent and sure all the time.
•    It’s okay to feel threatened.
•    I don’t need to be in control of everything and everybody.
•    If people criticize me–I can survive that.
•    Nothing says I have to be perfect.
•    If this person wants to go off the wall, that’s their thing.
•    This will seem stupid later.
•    This isn’t what it seems. It’s just old feelings getting stirred up again.
•    It’s okay to walk away from this.
•    I will like myself better later if I walk away now.
•    It’s nice if others accept me, but I don’t have to have it.
•    People are going to act the way they want to act, not the way I want them to act.
•    They don’t have to believe me. We just disagree.
•    I can choose to give in.
•    I want a relationship more than I want to win this argument.
•    All I want to do is speak my mind clearly and appropriately. That’s it.
•    I want to respect myself later.
•    That’s life. I don’t have to let it get me so down.
Write these down and keep them handy to use when you feel your anger rising.
With thanks to http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp

Anxiety during pregnancy
So much is spoken about depression both during pregnancy (antenatal) and after giving birth (postnatal). Clinicians and researchers have focused on these topics for a number of decades to the benefit of women suffering depression.
Little has been known about the pattern of anxiety across this period. However, a recent study in England, asked 8323 women to self report on their levels of anxiety at 18 and 32 weeks of their pregnancy and again at 8 weeks and 8 months after giving birth.
The findings were extremely helpful because they showed that it was rare for anxiety, (or depression) to emerge for the first time after birth. In the majority of cases, women who suffered from anxiety after giving birth had been anxious during their pregnancy.
The levels of anxiety were constant until around 8 months after the birth at which time, they decreased for most women.
An interesting, and vital piece of information was uncovered in this study. And that was that antenatal anxiety predicted postnatal depression at 8 weeks and 8 months. The findings confirm that antenatal anxiety occurs frequently, overlaps with depression and increases the likelihood of postnatal depression.
Practically, how can it help you? Here are some tips:
* If you have a tendency to get anxious, do everything you can to learn how to manage your anxiety before you fall pregnant and during your pregnancy. There are many useful effective tools to use.
* Watch for early signs and speak to your doctor. The earlier you get treatment, the easier it is to recover.
* Get treatment for anxiety and depression combined, if necessary. Often they co-exist and by not treating the anxiety component, you retard recovery from depression.

As part of her involvement with Voxy Lady, Renee has been featured in the Autumn 2012 issue of emPOWER Magazine.

http://www.empoweronline.com.au

If you want your children to grow up lean, you might want to encourage them to eat with their fingers. Infants given finger foods during weaning gain less weight than those who are spoon-fed purées by parents, a study shows.
Psychologist Dr Ellen Townsend, who led the study, said babies who take control at mealtimes have the best chance of avoiding obesity. Letting them choose what they want to eat from a selection of foods also leads to them preferring a healthier diet.
“Control is the key thing, as well as sitting at the table with family, because it may help babies regulate what they eat in a way that will benefit them in later life,” said Dr Townsend.
Her team looked at 92 children who had been weaned on finger foods – such as fruit cut into strips and bread sticks – and 63 who were spoon-fed between the ages of 20-months and six-years.
They noted preferences for 151 foods broken down into categories including carbohydrates, dairy and ‘whole meals’ such as lasagne.
The results showed no difference in picky eating, but slightly less obesity in the children feeding themselves.
These youngsters also had a “significantly increased liking for carbohydrates”, while those who had been spoon-fed favoured sweet things.
Tam Fry, of the National Obesity Forum, said: “The value of experimentation in early months of nutrition is incalculable and babies won’t willingly starve. If this has the advantage of reducing unhealthy weight gain and avoiding obesity, it’s a win-win for mums.”
I agree. Obesity is an issue for our generation and finding ways of preventing it from the start, will impact mums and bubs positively.

Anxiety and depression often co-exist
Many individuals suffer from anxiety and depression at the same time. Sometimes, one of these conditions goes untreated. The result is that the individual receives treatment but because it is not “complete”, the person remains feeling unwell.
For example, it is not uncommon for people with social anxiety to also suffer from depression. According to the World Psychiatric Association (1995), 17% of social anxiety sufferers also have major depression
If you are so depressed that your motivation is low and you feel hopelessness about the possibility of overcoming your social anxiety, it may interfere with treatment. Therefore, sometimes depression needs to be treated before social anxiety can be tackled.
On the other hand, many people find their lives becoming increasingly restricted by panic and anxiety and many do develop depression in reaction to their anxiety disorder. This adds to feelings of helplessness and confusion, because no matter how hard they try, it appears that they cannot recover.
Symptoms of depression can be similar to those of panic and anxiety and in the past, many people were being diagnosed as having depression, while their primary anxiety disorder remained undiagnosed and untreated. This can still sometimes occur. While it is important that the depression is treated, the underlying cause: the anxiety disorder also needs to be treated.
If you have been diagnosed as having depression and you are concerned that your anxiety disorder has not been recognised, please speak to your doctor as soon as possible and ask for a referral to an anxiety disorder specialist.
When forming an accurate diagnosis is difficult, it becomes really tough to find the correct medication often with disastrous results and side effects.
However, psychotherapy from a competent therapist is not dependent on a diagnosis and can treat both anxiety and depression simultaneously.

Soul in the City – Renee’s Topic: ‘How Relationship Problems Affect Work Performance‘

Please click on this link to see the full flyer and invitation:

Soul in the City March 2012.gif

Failure to recognize and understand anger can lead to a variety of problems for pregnant women and their unborn babies.
According to APA (American Psychologists Association) documentation, anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes: when we get angry, our heart rates and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of our energy hormones as adrenaline and epinephrine are released, contributing to growing tension and causing blood vessels to constrict. This reduces oxygen to the uterus, thus compromising foetal blood supply. Even suppressed anger has long been thought to cause anxiety and depression. The Counselling Centre for Human Development at the University of Florida agrees that anger can have detrimental effects on relationships, patterns of thinking, and cause many physical problems including colds, ulcers, asthma, high blood pressure (hypertension), heart problems, headaches, skin disorders and digestive problems.
The UK-based charity Tommy’s, the baby charity, is dedicated to funding research into, and providing information on, the causes of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth. Tommy’s research has shown that long-term anger or anxiety can have detrimental effects on your baby. Some effects include premature birth (delivered before 37 weeks), a problematic birth or even result in a low birth weight (even when full term), and this is the leading cause of infant mortality. Normal birth weight is defined as greater that 5 lb. 5 oz.; moderately low birth weight is 3 lb. 5 oz. to 5 lb. 8 oz., and very low birth weight is less than 3 lb. 5 oz.
Tommy’s studies have also suggested that stress in the womb could affect baby’s temperament. Babies, whose mothers experienced high levels of stress, particularly in the first trimester, show more signs of depression and irritability (as well as being colicky).
Research has also indicated that extreme anxiety during pregnancy could double a mother’s chance of having a hyperactive child.
The verdict is out; anger and stress in pregnancy could be detrimental to your baby. Do not delay. Seek help and learn to manage and reduce your anger.

In this month’s Voxy Lady Magazine ( online magazine March 2012 issue ), Renee writes about Stress in the Workplace.

Every age brings it own challenges when you are a parent. We would like to think that by late adolescence, our children are out of the woods.
Not so. It has been found that fresh out of school,18-year-old males are more likely to commit a crime than people of any other age or gender.
Police took action against one-in-ten 18-year-old males in the year to July 2011, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics February 2012, making them the single biggest problem group for law enforcement authorities.
And the proportion of 18-year olds committing a crime is increasing slightly each year.
Most became caught up in public order offences such as offensive language and public drunkenness as they hit legal age and began drinking more and spending more time out after dark, juvenile crime expert from the University of Sydney’s Institute of Criminology, Garner Clancey, said.
”They’re out and about much more than any other time in their lives, they’re on public transport and in licensed venues and they’re often in groups so they’re more likely to be drawn into the police’s net,” he said.
Public order offences were the most common crime committed by 18-year olds, followed by theft, drug offences and acts intended to cause injury.
Not only are they drinking more, teenage males are more prone to take risks as their brains are still developing, Father Chris Riley from Youth off the Streets said. However, he believes rising youth unemployment and a lack of services are behind the alarming statistics.
Parenting adolescents is always tough but as parents  we need to develop appropriate parenting styles to engage our older adolescents and to guide them through this risky phase.

Anti-anxiety medication information
Medication can relieve some of the symptoms of anxiety. However, you need to be aware of the following:
* Medication should be prescribed and monitored by a competent health professional.
* Medication does not cure the underlying problem causing anxiety.
* Medication is rarely a long-term solution.
* Anxiety medications come with side effects and safety concerns, including the risk of addiction.
* It requires non-drug treatments to produce lasting changes and continuing relief from anxiety.
Many different types of medications are used in the treatment of anxiety disorders, including traditional anti-anxiety drugs such as benzodiazepines, and newer options like antidepressants and beta-blockers.
These medications can be very effective, but they shouldn’t be thought of as a cure.
In summary, anxiety medication can provide temporary relief, but it doesn’t treat the underlying cause of the anxiety disorder. Once you stop taking the drug, the anxiety symptoms often return in full force.
It’s important to be aware of the high risks associated with anxiety medication, too. Anxiety medication can cause a wide range of unpleasant and sometimes dangerous side effects. Many medications for anxiety are also habit forming and physically addictive, making it difficult to stop taking them once you’ve started.
The bottom line
If you have severe anxiety that’s interfering with your ability to function, medication may be right for you. However, many people use anti-anxiety medication when therapy, exercise, or self-help strategies would work just as well or better—minus the side effects and risks.
Therapy and self-help strategies can help you get to the bottom of your underlying issues and develop the tools to beat anxiety for good. So while drug treatment can be beneficial, it’s by no means the only answer. There are other effective treatment approaches that can be taken in addition to or instead of medications. It’s up to you to evaluate your options and decide what’s best for you.

http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_medication_drugs_treatment.htm