Our practice specialises in treating anxiety and we find this site very helpful. We are happy to supply this reference as a resource.

www.understandinganxiety.com.au

Renee suggests 7 ways to ease kids into daycare in an article in the body and soul magazine.

Click here to read the article in Body + Soul

Dating is difficult and can wreak havoc with your self-esteem. Rejection or uncertainty can make you feel vulnerable and insecure.
Here are some ways to save your self-esteem while dating:
1.    Avoid high expectations. If you meet someone and develop really high expectations quickly, you probably won’t find what you’re looking for.
2.    Don’t lie about your appearance. It’s easier than ever to do so in the age of online dating, but nobody wins if you post pictures that are 10 years old.
3.    Establish firm boundaries. If, after the first date, someone constantly cancels subsequent dates or if you find yourself staring at your cell phone waiting for a text that does not come, it may be time to move on. If the other person is really interested, he or she will go out of his or her way to contact you.
4.    Be yourself. Know that inside you’re a great person. If a person you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same, don’t waste your time trying to convince them that you’re great. Others need to appreciate and understand you for who you are today, not some “ideal” version of you, or someone you might be in the future.
5.    Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner, tell the truth about yourself — and expect the truth from others. There is nothing worse than spending lots of time dating a person only to find out much later an important secret or lie of omission about them.
6.    Be hopeful. Just because you meet someone who doesn’t fit your expectations doesn’t mean you should give up hope. Keep in mind that the right person may also be out there looking for you, too. It’s a matter of keep trying, over and over again, until you find someone who just feels right.
With thanks: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/07/08/dating-some-self-esteem-savers/

It is important that parents can talk frankly about sex. Often parents are worried about the sexual activity of their kids and are not sure if it is appropriate or not.
It’s a minefield that every parent must navigate carefully. However, they do not know what normal sexual behaviour among their children is.
A new book called Is this Normal? Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Behaviour, warns that even some pre-school kids are crossing the line when it comes to sexual behaviour.
Playing “doctor and nurse” is fine. But watch out for “red light” cases that can be a harmful and worrying trend of early sexual behaviour.
Child sex experts say while normal behaviour varies in different age groups, children as young as eight are engaging in oral sex at school and some in childcare are touching themselves in public.
Co-authors Holly Brennan and Judy Graham use a “traffic light” model to indicate to parents and carers if what their children are doing is OK or if they need help.
Red light cases are harmful, orange light cases can be of concern and green lights show sexual behaviours that are normal and age appropriate.
For example, two four-year-olds playing in a cubby house innocently exploring their bodies in a “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game is classed as a green light case. But if a seven-year-old girl said she saw a 13-year-old boy touching her friend’s private parts that is a red light.
What parents often do not know is that children are sexual beings and have urges. It is our job as parents to be vigilant and protective. Teach your child about personal space and private parts and encourage sharing of information.

I have selected some great self-esteem quotes.  I believe that they are useful in reminding ourselves how valuable our own opinions of ourselves are, sometimes in spite of what we hear from others.

When you feel down or question yourself, say a quote that resonates with you, aloud. Watch how your mood changes and your confidence rises.

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

~ Golda Meir

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

~ Anna Freud

“Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.”

~ St. Francis De Sales

“Listen to your heart above all other voices.”

~ Marta Kagan

“Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.”

~ Unknown Author

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

~ Judy Garland

“You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.”

~ Lou Holtz

Self-trust is the first secret of success.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will.”

~ John Atkinson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.”

~ Les Brown

If you have quotes that you find useful, I would love to hear them.

Last week I presented the latest research on controlled crying which, on the whole, was positive. However, many other experts do not agree.
1.    A new guide from parenting service Safe Sleep Space, opposes controlled crying and says that taking a gentle, positive approach is more effective than laying down the law.
2.    SA Health guidelines do not support controlled crying, and instead encourage mothers to use attachment techniques.
3.    The Women’s and Children’s Health Network guidelines suggest wrapping, rocking, patting and having a constant background noise.
4.    They also suggest developing a routine early in a child’s life to encourage the development of a sleeping pattern.
5.    Maternal and child health nurse Helen Stevens says that desperate parents whose toddlers refuse to sleep should ditch the tough love approach, because ordering youngsters back to bed, closing the bedroom door and threatening punishment is distressing, unnecessary and counter-productive. Instead, parents should feel free to sit with them so they feel secure. “Parents get a bit desperate with toddlers and take the hard line, but it’s not necessary,” said Ms Stevens, who has helped develop the DVD Safe Sleep Space.
Ms Stevens said her philosophy echoed the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health position, which says it may have “unintended negative consequences”.
“We work with a lot of parents and those who try it, the toddlers got worse, their behaviours more clingy,” she said.
All this information is confusing and the truth is, we still do not know. My view is that several parenting styles could work, there does not have to be one RIGHT way of parenting.
The best way is the way that is comfortable for you as long as it has not been proven damaging or cruel.

Low self-esteem is often misunderstood, and even misdiagnosed, by many counsellors as being of secondary concern.
The truth is that low self-esteem (LSE) is not merely a symptom. It is frequently the root cause of problems like depression, anxiety, relationship breakdowns, parenting difficulties and anger.
That may be a reason therapy is not working for you – because you are not dealing with the core issue- LSE.
If you are not sure that you have LSE, a test may help you. The critical issue though is to utilise a test that has been developed by academics and has scientific reliability and validity.
What this means, is that the test is proven to test what it says it tests, every time.
There are hundreds of tests on the web, many put together by well meaning individuals. Even if these tests are free, and the website inviting, it does not mean that you are getting an accurate reading of your self-esteem.
My advice is to read and participate with discretion. Take information whence it comes. If an individual is passionate about self-esteem and has good ideas based on life experience, that is great. But it does not mean that they can construct a test that is valid.
Psychologists are specialists in human behaviour based on scientific inquiry. When tests are developed there are criteria that need to be met. It takes time, money and lots of energy. Once a test is accredited it has gone through a rigorous procedure.
The reason this it is vital that you take a valid test is that self diagnosis at best is inaccurate. Home industry questionnaires contribute to  mis-diagnoses and can prevent you from seeking appropriate treatment.
The solution: Only self- diagnose with valid tests constructed by credible professionals and visit a qualified professional for confirmation.

Are you in favour of controlled crying? Well, it seems that there is some evidence that it could be helpful and not damaging to babies.
An unpublished study from Flinders University found controlled crying did not increase the stress levels of babies, or lead to any attachment disorders, a year after the controlled sleeping phase.
Lead researcher and senior lecturer in child psychology Dr Michael Gradisar said the Flinders study found decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the saliva of babies that were subject to controlled crying.
“It makes us think that what has happened is that this technique has helped to resolve their sleeping issues,” Dr Gradisar said.
He said it was possible that with the increase in sleep, mum was also less stressed and as a result mother and child began interacting better.
On the first night, parents were to leave a child for just two minutes, a time which increased to a maximum of 15 minutes by night three.
Dr Gradisar said further research was needed in the area to see if the results could be replicated.
Murdoch Children’s Research Centre research found controlled crying was successful with babies more than six months old.
Sleep expert Dr Brian Symon said there was no scientific evidence which showed controlled crying had an adverse impact on the child.
Associate Professor Rosemary Horne, deputy director of The Ritchie Centre at Monash Institute of Medical Research, said controlled crying could be successful in toddlers, but must be done properly.
Not everyone agrees and some experts say it is dangerous and cruel. This underpins the value of ongoing research so that a definitive answer can be obtained. In the meantime, as the jury is still out, it seems that you can continue to utilise controlled crying with your baby if it resonates with you.

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” In other words, you can accept or reject another person’s evaluation of you.
Let’s say you are 6 ft 6 inches tall and somebody called you “Shorty”, you would not take it seriously. You would think that they are being sarcastic, or they are out of touch with reality.
Similarly, if you were sure that you had worth then no matter what anybody said, no matter how insulting they were, you would not believe them.
On the other hand, if you frequently get upset and feel put down by others, it means that you put yourself down internally. When they make a comment, not necessarily a put down, you silently agree and it upsets you.
Here are 3 actions that will help you:
1.    Stop putting yourself down. Be aware of what you tell yourself and consciously change your internal dialogue.
You can’t develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities. Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments.
2.    Replace your negative phrases with affirmations to enhance your self-esteem. On the back of a small card, write out a statement such as “I am enough, I do enough, I have enough”.
Carry the card with you. Repeat the statement several times during the day. Whenever you say the affirmation, allow yourself to experience positive feelings about your statement.
3.    Accept all compliments with “thank you.” When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You.”

Building self-esteem is a process and these steps will help you along the way.

How do parents keep their children safe when child pornography is rife?
Australian police are warning of an epidemic in child pornography. They say that paedophiles are increasingly recording themselves abusing children and sharing these images with child sex networks.
Australian Federal Police (AFP) said officers used to find hundreds of photographs on a suspect’s computer but they were now confronting people hoarding hundreds of thousands or even millions of images and videos.
Head of the AFP’s cyber crime unit, Assistant Commissioner Neil Gaughan, said while it did not necessarily reflect an increase in the number of child sex assaults, more were being recorded and uploaded onto the Internet.
The number of Australians arrested by the AFP for child pornography offences in 2011 was 180, compared with 136 the previous year — about a 30 percent rise.
Gaughan said police had enhanced their technical ability to stop child abusers sharing pornographic imagery in recent years.
“We’re not going to (be able to) stop people sexually assaulting their kids, that’s a community issue,” Gaughan said.
“But if we can work with industry to get better tools to stop the dissemination, we can hopefully cut some of the supply.”
The AFP said cooperation with authorities around the world was also important, given that images and videos of child sex were being used as “currency” by offenders to buy their way into transnational paedophile groups.
This adds stress to parenting children. What can you do to protect your child?
1.    Educate your child to get close to only a few people.
2.    Teach your child that nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
3.    Encourage your child to tell you about their feelings and experiences.
4.    Be alert to what your child is doing when and with whom.

Self-esteem starts to develop in early childhood, around age two. It is not measurable before the age of five or six because up until this time two functions of self-esteem, competence and worthiness, operate independently of each other.
In other words, when an infant acquires the skill of clapping, he is delighted with himself. However, he does not think about whether clapping increases or lowers his worth as a human being.
Between the ages of five and eight self-esteem becomes increasingly defined.
Children begin to make judgments about their self worth and competence in five areas:

• physical appearance

• social acceptance

• scholastic ability

• athletic and artistic skills

• behaviour

At this point in childhood, a child is able to evaluate his accomplishments in terms of their worthiness and connects the two. A child develops an increasing awareness of those things he is good at and those he is not good at.
Self-esteem acts as a filter through which we judge our performances. In this way, it may determine how we approach future tasks.
By adulthood self-esteem can be changed from a mostly reactive phenomenon to one that can be consciously acted upon to either increase or decrease feelings of self worth.
If you have self-esteem, issues, they will not get better on their own. You can learn skills that will enable you to take charge of your self-esteem and utilise it to move forward.
As an adult you have the capacity to evaluate messages and values pushed out by society and go against the flow if you choose. You can let go of the belief that if you are not clever at maths you are useless as a human being and feel worthwhile no matter your skill set.

Fathers today want to be more involved in raising and caring for their children but pressures from work are pulling them in the other direction.

A new book, Time Bomb: Work, rest and play in Australia today, says half of fathers with young children work more than 45 hours a week, regarded as ”long hours”, compared with 29 per cent of workers overall.
In Time Bomb, authors Barbara Pocock, Natalie Skinner and Philippa Williams note that for working fathers the pressure is getting worse and for those with preschool children, paid work rose by an average 5.7 hours in the decade to 2006.
Professor Pocock said that often, as men’s careers take off in their early 30s, the children start to arrive. Men were experiencing the ”coincidence of a certain moment of their life cycle and career cycle alongside those early years of a child’s life.”
She said changes to the labour market were intensifying that pressure with big growth in professional and managerial employment, and a prevalence of unpaid overtime. A generation ago many more men were in blue-collar work where you could clock off at a regular time.
”What we’re actually seeing is it’s getting tougher for fathers,” she said.
Research points to persistent long hours adding to the risk of mental and physical health issues.
Professor Pocock said that while there had been enormous change to the labour market and industry over the past 30 years, there had not been changes in flexibility to allow workers to have greater control. ”There’s enormous talk around flexibility,” she said. ‘But the talk has run ahead of the reality.”
Do you work long hours? How is it affecting your relationships?

People with high self-esteem act and think in ways that contribute to their self-esteem! The way they interact with the world improves their chances of success and helps them keep on developing positive self-esteem.
1.    Learn to be calm and relaxed
People with high self-esteem are also generally more optimistic and relaxed than people who have lower self-esteem. Having a calm, positive approach makes you more likely to experience situations in a positive way.
2.    Create a positive spiral
People who are fearful and anxious, might have unfortunate experiences – at least partly because they expect things to go wrong. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Create positive cycles in your life by going into new things with a fresh, positive perspective.
3.    Make friendly connections, put yourself out there
”Lucky” people have been found to be friendly, outgoing and more inclined to start chatting to strangers in a coffee shop. Those who keep to themselves or hide behind a newspaper have less chance of a ‘lucky encounter’.
4.    Have some confidence
Act confident in social situations even if you do not feel it. Success experiences build confidence and are a way of improving self esteem.
5.    Improving self-esteem means changing beliefs
What you believe about yourself is a key element in having high self-esteem. If you believe you are a capable person and act like a capable person – your chances of success increase. This success contributes to improving self-esteem.
6.    Making positive self-esteem a habit
A habit is simply a set of behaviours that you do so often that it becomes second nature. The aim is to improve self-esteem by learning high self-esteem behaviours and practicing them until they become your second nature.
7.     Characteristics of High Self-Esteem You Can Develop
•    High self awareness (Living Consciously)
•    Self love and self acceptance
(through cultivating a sense of gratitude , reducing self criticism, using affirmations )
•    Self respect.
(through learning to be assertive and acting with integrity)

A new book has criticised hands-on parenting techniques. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food, laments her baby girl’s inability to sit up at a dinner table as opposed to the obedient French children who sit upright and silent as they delicately eat their fish and chips.
Druckerman’s book comes hot on the heels of Amy Chua’s Tiger Mama, which recommends ‘‘tough love’’ parenting to get your children into Yale. In contrast to Chua, Druckerman is arguing for a little French nonchalance.
It’s easy to see why this type of book keeps coming and why we keep reading them. Chua and Druckerman offer simple answers to a bafflingly complex problem. Never before has the world been so crowded, so quickly changing, so competitive. And parents are looking for advice as to what is the most effective parenting style.
Druckerman places the blame for her child’s “bad” behaviour firmly on ‘‘attachment parenting’’ – a hands-on style that is very much in vogue in Australia as well as the US.
She says that our proclivity for responding quickly to the needs of our children, praising them to develop self-esteem and eating between meal times is creating a generation of overweight, bad-tempered and undisciplined youngsters, not to mention destroying their mothers’ lives.
Both these books are not scientific studies. They are the personal experience of one mum and her child. In contrast, psychologists, who are researchers, know that for people to develop into empathetic and fully functioning adults, they need to have strong relationships with the people who love them most.
Chua’s solution is relentless hard work, Druckerman’s is to let children figure out it on their own, and that of the helicopter parent is to be there to guide them every step of the way.
My advice is to enjoy reading these books for what they are but do not base your important parenting decisions on anecdotal information.

Here is a blog post I recently read, I thought it has value.

“Whether it’s right or wrong, in the fledgling stages of building up a poor self image, “putting your best foot forward” is a step in the right direction and should be taken seriously if you are serious about changing your daily happiness levels.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, I encourage you to approach your wardrobe as something of a project. Do the research on what looks good on your body type and throw out the things in your wardrobe that make you feel unattractive?
That includes the clothes you wear around the house – after all, low self-esteem follows you everywhere.
Make sure you have an outfit that makes the most out of your appearance for every occasion and use them.
If you need to, design a self-esteem clothing wardrobe in writing or diagrams with all the things that mix and match and the accessories and tape that to the inside of your wardrobe.
Once you have it figured out, you can forget about it. After all, it’s just as easy to put on self- esteem clothing as it is to put on horrible ones.
If you want to take it a step further, invest in a consultation with a high class hairdresser and find out what style suits your face the best.
You’ve probably watched the “make-over” shows on television with some envy at the complete turnaround the contestant’s experience. It’s time to do that for yourself. Identify what’s letting you down and face it with determination.
Self-esteem clothing and your appearance doesn’t have to be the most important aspect in your life, or even the 10th most important thing, but it can be one area of your life that doesn’t add to your low self-esteem.”

Read more: http://www.buildingself-esteem.com/self-esteem-clothing.html#ixzz1nnzEHhLd

Barely a day goes by in the media without a piece scoffing at ‘‘helicopter parents’’, child kings and attachment parenting. The argument goes that our desire to be good parents has led to a generation of narcissistic, obese, rude and badly behaved children.
Studies evaluating parenting styles and their results do not confirm this argument. You might find the helicopter-parented child a bit of a whinger, but the worst-behaved children are those who are ignored.
Overwhelming evidence now points to hands-on parenting as a critical reason behind a successful and confident adult life. The OECD recently published a series of studies showing that students whose parents often read books with them in early childhood showed markedly higher scores, irrespective of socio-economic background.
Parenting has evolved into such a hands-on style it is because parents think it will work. However, parents have taken it too far and balance must be sought.
Here are some tips on how to be helicopter parents who are around and aware but not stifling emotional growth:
1.    It is important to be attached and focused on the needs of your child but you also need to give space for autonomy and independence.
2.    There is a difference between a baby crying incessantly at night for comfort and a four year old screaming for a lolly.
3.    Giving your child a voice does not mean in all matters and at all times. Sometimes you have to override that voice in the larger interest. You have the wisdom to know when what your child wants makes sense or is just an infantile demand.
4.    Teaching the ability to delay gratification, have values like sharing, being polite and exhibiting socially acceptable behaviour are all important for your child’s well-being. Attachment and giving everything your child desires are two separate things.

If you want your children to grow up lean, you might want to encourage them to eat with their fingers. Infants given finger foods during weaning gain less weight than those who are spoon-fed purées by parents, a study shows.
Psychologist Dr Ellen Townsend, who led the study, said babies who take control at mealtimes have the best chance of avoiding obesity. Letting them choose what they want to eat from a selection of foods also leads to them preferring a healthier diet.
“Control is the key thing, as well as sitting at the table with family, because it may help babies regulate what they eat in a way that will benefit them in later life,” said Dr Townsend.
Her team looked at 92 children who had been weaned on finger foods – such as fruit cut into strips and bread sticks – and 63 who were spoon-fed between the ages of 20-months and six-years.
They noted preferences for 151 foods broken down into categories including carbohydrates, dairy and ‘whole meals’ such as lasagne.
The results showed no difference in picky eating, but slightly less obesity in the children feeding themselves.
These youngsters also had a “significantly increased liking for carbohydrates”, while those who had been spoon-fed favoured sweet things.
Tam Fry, of the National Obesity Forum, said: “The value of experimentation in early months of nutrition is incalculable and babies won’t willingly starve. If this has the advantage of reducing unhealthy weight gain and avoiding obesity, it’s a win-win for mums.”
I agree. Obesity is an issue for our generation and finding ways of preventing it from the start, will impact mums and bubs positively.

Every age brings it own challenges when you are a parent. We would like to think that by late adolescence, our children are out of the woods.
Not so. It has been found that fresh out of school,18-year-old males are more likely to commit a crime than people of any other age or gender.
Police took action against one-in-ten 18-year-old males in the year to July 2011, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics February 2012, making them the single biggest problem group for law enforcement authorities.
And the proportion of 18-year olds committing a crime is increasing slightly each year.
Most became caught up in public order offences such as offensive language and public drunkenness as they hit legal age and began drinking more and spending more time out after dark, juvenile crime expert from the University of Sydney’s Institute of Criminology, Garner Clancey, said.
”They’re out and about much more than any other time in their lives, they’re on public transport and in licensed venues and they’re often in groups so they’re more likely to be drawn into the police’s net,” he said.
Public order offences were the most common crime committed by 18-year olds, followed by theft, drug offences and acts intended to cause injury.
Not only are they drinking more, teenage males are more prone to take risks as their brains are still developing, Father Chris Riley from Youth off the Streets said. However, he believes rising youth unemployment and a lack of services are behind the alarming statistics.
Parenting adolescents is always tough but as parents  we need to develop appropriate parenting styles to engage our older adolescents and to guide them through this risky phase.

There are a lot of angry people around in our generation. And there are many explanations as to why that is.

My experience as a clinician has shown me that very often anger is a protective mechanism. An anxious person unconsciously chooses to attack before being attacked (which is the unconscious fear).

Alternatively,an anxious person may prefer to  reject first than be rejected by others later. Here the unconscious fear is of being abandoned.

If you are angry a great deal, take a moment to evaluate if you are fearful or anxious. Think about your upbringing. Did you feel secure?

If you are not sure, consult with an experienced professional. You will discover that if your anger is coming from fear, then by treating your fears, you will be simultaneously removing your anger.

It will be worth it, I guarantee. I would love to hear from you about it, so please leave a comment.

Stranger danger is a fear many parents have. In fact, ONLY 40 per cent of city parents think that it is safe for their primary-school-aged children to go to school on their own.
Research fellow Catherine Underwood, who studied neighbourhood satisfaction for the Australian Council for Educational Research, was surprised at how strong parents’ perceptions of stranger danger were.
”A number … commented that the No.1 rule they instilled in their children was don’t talk to strangers, because you can’t trust anyone you don’t know,” she said. ”I think parents are doing a good job of scaring the daylights out of their kids.”
The study also found that in metropolitan Victoria, 76 per cent of parents with children aged five to 12 agreed stranger danger was the biggest barrier to children’s independent activities in their neighbourhood.
Children worried about strangers ”but not nearly as much as their parents”, Ms Underwood said.
The consequences of this are enormous.  It is a given that parents want to parent safely and to protect their kids at all costs. However, by over estimating the possibility of danger from strangers, parents limit their children opportunities to develop independence.
A huge part of becoming independent is being able to go alone to a neighbour’s house or catch a bus to school. A child learns to navigate directions and learns about timing and road rules and even the weather.
When parents are constantly around and protecting their children, these opportunities are lost. In addition, the children become fearful themselves.
Do you think stranger danger is more prevalent? Or is it being overestimated? And how is that affecting your kids?

Many parents fear stranger danger. What they do not know is that children are more likely to be assaulted by relatives or acquaintances than by strangers. This finding is provided by  Superintendent Kerlatec, the commander of the NSW sex crimes squad.
Despite this reality, 76 per cent of parents surveyed in Victoria considered stranger danger the main barrier to primary school-aged children moving independently around their city neighbourhoods.
Superintendent Kerlatec said the greatest consideration when deciding whether to let children walk or travel alone was ”the maturity of the child both mentally and physically, and what skills they are equipped with”.
”It comes down to the ability of the child to comprehend when something is wrong.”
Detective Superintendent John Kerlatec said education was vital to ensuring they are safe. ”We need to … make sure our children know what to do if they feel uncomfortable, what to do if they feel unsafe … where to go [for help],” he said.
Police recommend that children be taught to seek refuge in police stations, libraries, schools or familiar shops if they feel unsafe, or to approach police, teachers or trusted adults for help. They should not talk to strangers or get into cars with anyone they do not know.
Superintendent Kerlatec said on average around 25 offences are committed against children by strangers each year in NSW, a relatively low incidence. While police take every report seriously, Superintendent Kerlatec said an ”exceptionally low” number turned out to be of concern.
He encouraged parents to be cautious, but said ”95 per cent of assaults on children are perpetrated by people they know or are related to, so that’s of greater concern”.
In other words, the bulk of educating our kids should be about not letting family members or acquaintances come “too close”.

If you are a parent who has an anxious child , be reassured that there is a lot you can do to help your child.

The place to start is with your child’s fears. While your child’s worry may seem general, the research shows that often those fears are specific.

For instance, your child may  fear that when they go to bed, mummy will go out and not return. Your child then insists on sleeping in your bed.

Sit down with your child and talk about these fears. Write these down, and if you like, get your child to give these fears a rating out of ten.

You now can work on that thinking. For instance the child who thinks mummy is going to get hurt when she’s out of sight might be presented with questions such as, “has this happened before?”, or “ how was  mummy when she came home from grandma’s?” While you can provide some evidence that it is unlikely to happen, it’s best if your child is encouraged to come up with their own evidence.

Then you need to get your child used to what they’re afraid of: working, step by step, on the problem. It’s important here to have the right size steps and to gauge your child’s readiness for each step.

For instance, a child who always sleeps in her mother’s bed, can start with a cot next to the bed, then move the cot to the other side of the room, then to the doorway, then the hall, until finally the cot is in the child’s room.”

This exposure in degrees actually works as further evidence (of safety) to the child. The  world did not fall apart and mum is still there after a period of separation.

When you do this slowly, consistently and calmly, your child’s fears will diminish over time.

Try these tested techniques and please send me feedback.

Many people turn to smoking, eating, or shopping to relieve stress.

This is a very short term view. Let us presume that smoking does help with stress. It only helps for a limited time and then you are lighting up again.

Moreover, over the years, you create all kinds of health issues for yourself that lead to additional stress. In fact, it leads to much more stress than the original trigger ever did.

The same applies to eating excessively or shopping unnecessarily. The new and greater issues you create by doing these activities tend to far outweigh  the gravity of the original problem.

There are many simple, free, valid tools for working down stress. In the long term, they will also improve your health, immune system and general feeling of well being.

I recommend that you learn and utilise these tools from now on for your own sake.

If you disagree with me, please feel free to vent.

Many people are aware of common symptoms of depression like feelings of sadness, hopelessness and fatigue.  What most people are unaware of  is that physical pain and depression can be closely related.

It is impossible to make a causal link and, if I tried to, I have no doubt that many of you would be up in arms. Suffering from chronic pain is awful. Therefore, the suggestion that pain could be “all in your mind” or “nothing but depression” leads victims to feel that their suffering has been invalidated.

Instead, what I am talking about is the relationship between pain and depression. Simply put, pain can be depressing, and depression causes and intensifies pain.

Think about it. If you are going to a concert you have been looking forward to, and you develop a mild to moderate headache, you will fight to overcome the headache. You will get to the concert and enjoy it. Conversely, if you have just had an altercation with your partner, your headache grows and becomes unmanageable.

Some research shows that pain and depression share common pathways in the limbic (emotional) region of the brain. In fact, the same chemical messengers control pain and mood. According to an article published by the Harvard Medical School, people with chronic pain have three times the average risk of developing psychiatric symptoms–usually mood or anxiety disorders–and depressed patients have three times the average risk of developing chronic pain.

Many people suffering from depression never get help because they don’t realize that pain may be a symptom of depression. The importance of understanding the physical symptoms of depression is that treating depression can help with the pain–and treating pain can help with depression.

People often ask couples who have been together for a long time: “What is the secret of staying together?”

As a psychologist, who studies human behaviour, this question is one that fascinates me too. Recently, I observed something that I strongly believe is a big part of staying together – happily.

I was watching a woman in her fifties singing karaoke. There had been numerous individuals before her. One was a young sexy girl who was having her moment of being a rock star. She received cheers and whistles from the audience and it was fun to watch.

Another was a twenty something, serious young man who obviously had singing training. He sang something operatic and the audience applauded accordingly.

Then, the woman I referred to earlier, stood up. She turned to her husband and publicly said: ” I dedicate this song to my wonderful husband X. We have been together for 21 years and he is still the one for me”.

The audience went “ahhh” and a few had tears in their eyes, a much bigger reaction that all the other singers had received.

At that moment, I realised that an important glue in a relationship is a public choosing of your partner. Couples thrive when their love is declared not only in private, but in public.

That is why marriage is so much more binding than living together. You publicly choose your partner and are in effect saying “You are the one”.  Every anniversary thereafter,  you  basically reaffirm your commitment to one another. If you have children, they too celebrate your relationship.

Choosing one another publicly does not mean you have to stand on stage and sing a love song. It means that you are not afraid to state, to others (in various ways) that you have chosen this person to be your life partner.

In my opinion, when couples who do this for one another,their relationship benefits.

If you are living with a depressed adolescent, there are several things you can do to assist them with their struggle.

1. Help Your Teen Hear Positive Messages: Teenagers with depression are often unable to distinguish between positive and negative behaviour and so they may hear a neutral message from their parent as a negative remark. 

If you are saying something positive to your depressed teen, it is a good idea to exaggerate the positive message to make sure your child actually registers your behaviour and words in the way they are intended.

2. Respond Thoughtfully to Your Teen’s Moods: Simple topics like bed times, homework or internet use can be challenging and affect an adolescent’s mood quite significantly. Even neutral behaviour directed at your child can be misconstrued. “For example, if you say something like ‘Can you set the table?’ and they come back aggressively with something like ‘Why are you telling me I’m lazy all the time!’, your natural reaction is going to be ‘I didn’t say that, don’t take it that way’.” Because of your teen’s mood and depression, that kind of follow up may be considered a further criticism.

Therefore, keep communication short,( under twenty minutes), simple and calm.

3. Set Boundaries: Although it is important to reduce levels of conflict, you still need to set clear rules. Parents can explain respectfully and calmly why a teenager is not allowed to do something, express empathy for their teen’s wishes, but remain firm about boundaries.

4. Be Flexible: and prepared to let the little things go.  In the above example about setting the table, a parent might decide to remain tolerant and understanding of their teen’s mental health and let some of their comments go, rather than using it as the time for a talk about being polite.

5.Be Non-Aggressive and Non-Critical: keep your cool at all times. No matter how aggressively your teenager speaks, you will achieve better long term outcomes for your teen and family if you are able to remain calm in spite of provocation.

Depression is an illness. Your teen needs empathy, help and support.

Do you give it?

Here is a guest post by a friend and colleague, Fay Frischer. Food for thought for everyone getting married.

The engagement

Congratulations you have just announced your engagement.  You are a young executive in a large company deriving a substantial annual income.  You have developed a portfolio of assets including shares and real estate.  Your fiancé is on the other hand less affluent but that is immaterial as you are clearly in love.  Love conquers all and you cannot conceive of the marriage breaking down irretrievably and the subsequent divorce with a property division.

The marriage

Wake up girl.  Your marriage is now dead.  Fast forward in your thoughts to the court allocating a percentage of your hard earned income and assets to your husband in a bitterly contested court battle.  Rules and regulations will determine the inevitable allocation of property and assignment of the pool of assets and liabilities.

Essentially the court considers the Family Law Act to evaluate who gets what in the wash up.  The first step will be to identify the assets and liabilities and this will include your nest egg of superannuation entitlements.  The second step will be to look at the contributions, financial and non financial, that each of you has made to the acquisition, maintenance and improvement of these assets.

The court will carve up the asset pool and you will not like this cut.

Your lifeline

Think about the future now.  Talk to a lawyer who can advise you on asset protection by way of a binding financial agreement (or a pre nup in the old terminology).  It is not difficult and the concept will apply to first and subsequent marriages but you will have the peace of mind to work on your marriage.

Fay Frischer

Solicitor

fayfrischer@lawyerlanecove.com.au

www.lawyerlanecove.com.au

Your thoughts?

In my practice, there are 2 common questions adults ask:

1. Can you improve self esteem as an adult?
2. If so, what activities are useful to boost their self esteem?

The answer to the first is:

“Yes, you can improve self esteem as an adult but is takes time and repetition. There is no quick fix.”

The answer to the second is that there are things one can do.

1. Adults need to push themselves to master situations. Sitting back and wallowing does not enhance self esteem. In fact, it erodes self esteem.
2. Every time an individual does master something, she should endorse herself for her effort.  In other words, as an adult, one needs to develop an inner maternal voice that dispenses praise and reassurance.
3. Developing warm, close relationships is core to most people’s self esteem.

Exactly what behaviours need to be encouraged, will be specific to each individual’s situation.

Salome (not her real name) provides an excellent case presentation. Salome felt inadequate because men did not ask her out for dates. From the age of twenty five, she began to withdraw and hardly socialised. This only increased her feelings of inferiority.

From a behavioural perspective, the most important activity for Salome to do would be to push herself to meet people. She joined a bridge club and a gym.  At the same time, she improved her appearance and communication skills.

Every time she went out, and met people, Salome would endorse herself for her effort. She would say, out loud, “Well done Salome for conquering your fears and facing new people” or “I felt proud of the way that I looked today. Several men complimented me”.

Salome’s self esteem improved, not because she dated but because she felt masterful and resilient.

What do you need to push yourself to do?

When a teenager has depression, parents frequently want to know why it developed.

Professor Nick Allen, at the School of Psychological Sciences, The University of Melbourne, conducted research on young teenagers from ages 12 to 18 and looked at family communication styles prior to the development of depression symptoms.

Professor Allen identified patterns of adult and child communication that predict the likelihood of a teenager developing depression.

Families of depressed teens are more likely to have lower levels of positivity and warmth, and higher levels of conflict.

These two factors sound like they are the opposite of each other but they are independent elements of family dynamics.  So for example, a family may have a high degree of conflict but also a lot of warmth, or there may be a family that doesn’t have much of either.

The research is not intended to lay blame on families, but instead provide ideas for parents who want to support their children’s emotional well-being.

The following are elements that appear to raise the risk of a child developing depressive symptoms during adolescence:

• high levels of conflict in the family
• frequent criticism from parents
• low levels of warmth and positivity in the family environment
• ‘put downs’ from parents towards their children, and
• lower levels of positive interaction and warmth between parents and children.

If you are questioning the ‘chicken and the egg’ scenario: “does the family environment actually play a part in the risk of depression as opposed to just being a result of the stress that’s caused by the young person who’s having a mental health problem?” , Professor Allen believes his research is significant – because it indicates that teenagers with depression are more likely to have been living in families where the elements listed above were present prior to them developing depression.

What do you need to change at home?

An interesting thing happens when we yell at somebody. They yell back.

Have you ever thought about it? Your unspoken thought or wish was that they would back down, shut up or give you what you wanted.

 Instead, what happens is usually the opposite. The person you are yelling at responds negatively. Children tend to become defiant, sulk or even break something in retaliation. If the child does comply, it is with resentment.

If you yelled at your spouse, nine times out of ten he/she will get angry in  return until,before you know it, you are engaged in a  full on war. Yelling at a work colleague creates distance and can take months to repair.

The truth is, when you are angry at somebody, they feel attacked. In response, they feel the need to defend themselves from your onslaught and will do whatever it takes to do so. 

The defensive strategy employed could be obvious, like yelling back or refusing outright to comply. Or the strategy could be covert and even subversive.

There are a few principles to be learned from this:

1. Anger leads to more anger.

2. Therefore, if you want to make a point, or to get something done, adopt a collaborative, calm approach.

3. If you are at the receiving end of the anger, do everything to de-escallate the rising emotion. Stay calm. Validate the aggressors feelings: “I can see that  you are furious at me” rather than defend your actions: “It was not me! ”

4. Be alert to angry cues. When you feel yourself boiling up, calm down before interacting with others. When you see somebody getting worked up at you, try and remove yourself from the situation.

5. Avoid  anger at all costs. Aim for peaceful interactions.

Have you had repercussions from your anger? Please share them.

Over the years, I have taught hundreds of people how to manage their emotions which are affecting their performance negatively.

What I have observed, is that frequently anger and anxiety are connected.  Let me illustrate my point with David’s story (not his real name).

David was angry at work every day. Literally all day, he would stew internally about how his customers were treating him. He believed they were not respectful of his time or admiring enough of his creative ability. While he did not yell at them directly, often they picked up his negative manner and would leave.

This perpetuated David’s belief that his customers did not treat him right. On top of that, David constantly criticised his staff. In his eyes they were never efficient enough, clever enough or loyal enough and so he had a continual turnover of staff.

David’s wife dragged him to therapy because she could not tolerate the way he treated everybody around him, including herself. To David’s credit, he began to engage in therapy and the journey of self discovery.

What soon became apparent, is that David had an insecure attachment to his mother. As an adult he still did not trust anybody and was fearful of being abandoned.

David used anger as a protective mechanism. it was easier for him to say the people around him were not worth much than to admit that he needed them. If he admitted he was dependent, then they would have the power to abandon him. The fear of abandonment was the source of his anxiety.

As David recognised his fears, and dealt with them, his anxiety reduced along with his anger.

Are you angry a lot of the time?

Are you perhaps using it as a protective mechanism?

Anxiety is a very common in children. In fact, it may be the most common childhood well-being issue.

Anxiety is found in around one in ten children, affecting  their independence, academic achievements, and general quality of life.

Many parents are not sure if their child suffers from anxiety or not. The best way of knowing whether your child has an anxiety issue that needs attention is by looking at whether it affects the way they are leading their lives

The main criteria for anxiety  are – avoidance and hesitance.

Most specifically long term avoidance, is a big clue. Common things that are avoided are:

• sleeping on one’s own,
• school
• specific triggers like dogs
• social interaction (often described as shyness)
• making mistakes.

As a parent, there is a lot you can do to assist your child. Here are some tips:

1. Show love and care always. However, if  your child can do something on his/her own, it is better to step back and reward courage than be too protective.

2. Identify what your child is afraid of. Get your child to express their fears. Then, logically, perform a reality check. Ask: “What is the factual evidence that this will happen?” This is a concrete check  and holds vague, imaginary fears up against the reality.

3. Always use small steps. Set small achievable goals where you stretch your child’s abilities and independence.

4. Rewards must be given as soon as possible after the child has performed the step. Helpful praise “You were so brave when you turned off the light”  works well. Emotional rewards like hugs and kisses are effective too.

5. Be patient and consistent. It takes dedication,  practice, repitition and time for the best results.

Many parents and teachers miss the fact that a teen is depressed. They often view behaviours as typical adolescent angst or melodrama. However, depression occurs commonly and should be correctly diagnosed and treated.

“There is no question that depression affects teens more than younger children, in fact, it’s probably one of the most dramatic changes in the pattern of depression across a life span …  So this is one of the reasons why this is such an important period of life for understanding depression…  And for many people that don’t have problems with depression over their lifetime, adolescence is the first time it presents itself as a serious problem”. Professor Nick Allen, The School of Psychological Sciences , the University of Melbourne.

The numbers speak for themselves:

Around 160,000 Australians aged between 16 and 24 live with depression each year. Although alarming in size, the reality of this figure is illustrated by a recent study, indicating that 1 in 12 Australian adolescents self-harm.

The causes of adolescent depression were studied by Professor Allen. He acknowledges that genetics, family history and stressful events all “feed into the risk machine” for the development of depression.

However, Professor Allen  emphasises that “families are a very important part of the picture.”

This is helpful information because it means that parents can exert a positive influence on their teenager’s mental health and help their teens if they do become depressed.

Moving forward, it is vital that you look out for signs of depression in your child or student. Common signs are:

• Weight gain or loss
• Change in sleeping habits. The most common is sleeping all day and being up all night
• Loss of interest in appearance
• Lack of energy
• No enjoyment of daily life

Reading through the symptoms, you can see how easy it is to view these behaviours as typical teenager antics. However, there is a qualitative difference. If you are not sure, seek expert guidance.

Are you overlooking a depressed teen in your midst?

The last blog I wrote about the increase of autism resulted in many parents calling me and asking for more information.

While there is no doubt that the number of children who have been diagnosed with autism has increased, the question  being asked is: is it a new diagnosis or was it missed in previous generations?

One suggestion is that it is the way we measure autism that has changed. As knowledge about autism has advanced, so have the techniques used to measure the prevalence of the condition.

For example, early studies used  small samples and  relatively crude diagnostic tools. In contrast, the modern method of screening whole populations (e.g. states or countries), using improved diagnostic assessments,  is likely to be more sensitive in identifying affected individuals.

Another hypothesis is that certain societal influences make it more likely for an individual to be diagnosed with autism today than in the past.

These influences  include:

• increased awareness and understanding of autism among parents and health professionals

• the formation of specific autism diagnostic teams

• a lessening in the stigma associated with a diagnosis (particularly, the dispelling of the myth that autism is caused by “cold parents”)

• the availability of governmental assistance specific to children with an autism diagnosis.

A third  potential  reason is the increase in the survival of extremely premature infants. While recent findings suggest these infants are at increased risk of autism, research in this area is at too early a stage to make conclusive statements.

In sum, to date there is no single environmental factor we know of that has substantially contributed to the increase in autism diagnoses. However, research is now focusing on how genes and the environment combine to cause this condition.

Hopefully this line of research will provide answers to the “autism epidemic”.

Are you a worried parent? Please share your concerns.

A large percentage of  people suffer from stress. However, many  people manage their stress in varied ways that are not always ideal. Only a small percentage of sufferers obtain help from professionals.

A survey by the APS found that it is those people with high levels of stress who will seek help from qualified practitioners:  20%  seek help from their general practitioner and only 15% seek help from an allied  mental health professional.

The survey indicated that most people with moderate to low levels of stress have found ways of dealing with their stress themselves.

Activities to manage stress

• turn to a family member (22%)
• ask  a friend (25%) for help
• utilise distractions
• practice relaxation methods
• watch television
• read
• listen to music

These strategies are all appropriate and useful. However, many chosen strategies are not healthy or helpful in the long run.

It is of concern that 40% of Australians drink alcohol, 66% use food and 46% use shopping as a way of managing their stress.

These are escape or numbing techniques that work in the short term but lead to bigger issues in the long term.

If you utilise these dangerous methods, step 1 is to own up to it. Step 2 is to make a commitment to find better, healthier alternatives that will truly address the stress levels in your life. Step 3 is to relinquish these negative behaviours.

Can you relate to these behaviours?  What do you do?

A question that I am commonly asked is, “Are more people stressed than before?” Sometime, I am attacked verbally with the accusation that “Psychologists just make work for themselves by testing people and saying they need help.”

I wish that were true. I would far prefer to engage in positive psychology and psycho-education and have a really healthy population. Unfortunately, results of a recent online survey, conducted by the Australian Psychology Association revealed a high percentage of people of all ages suffering from stress and other symptoms.  These results are comparable to results from other countries.

Here are some of the findings:

• Younger Australians, in particular those in the 18-25 age group,  reported significantly higher levels of stress  than those older age groups
• Women reported significantly higher levels of perceived stress.
• Women identified family and personal health issues as stressors while men were more concerned with the economy and political climate.
• 30% of people identified the workplace as a source of stress.
• People who were retired had higher levels of wellbeing.
• Couples in a relationship, or married but without children, reported significantly higher levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals who had suffered a relationship breakdown in the past twelve months reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals, who were separated but not divorced, reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Sole parents, and those who were not married, reported a significantly higher level of perceived stress.
• People with lower levels of education reported significantly more perceived stress when compared to the general population.
• 52% of Australians reported financial issues as the main cause of their stress.
• 12% of Australians experienced levels of stress in the severe range.

Stress is a real issue experienced by millions of people and not a fabrication of psychologists.

What are your thoughts?

Many parents feel guilty about placing their children in day care. Over the years, there has been an ongoing debate over whether children in day care fare worse than children home full-time with mum.

An Australian National University study was done where more than 5000 toddlers were observed. The findings were worrying to say the least.

Behavioural problems, equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week, were noted. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.

On the flip-side, however, day care children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.

Barbara Romeril, executive director of Community Childcare, said childcare encouraged children to be more assertive and articulate.

In  my opinion, there are many factors that play a role here. Sometimes, a child is in day care because mum and dad work full-time. This means mum and dad are tired at the end of the day and also exhibit frustration, moodiness and stubbornness.

The child may be copying his parents or may be reacting to his parents fatigue. OR it could be the day care experience.

I would love to hear your views on this divisive topic.

The question of whether autism has increased is commonly asked and will always get parent’s attention. The simple answer in terms of numbers is “Yes”.

There has most certainly been a steady rise in the incidence (number of new diagnoses per year) and prevalence (total number of affected individuals in the total population) of autism during the past fifty years .

The finding has been  well-replicated and  observed in every country (including Australia)with an appropriate data source. Currently, the most widely recognised estimate is around one individual with autism in every 100 people (1% of population).

The increase in rate causes alarm in most parents and educators who are still unclear as to the reason for this. Andrew Whitehouse, Associate Professor, Telethon Institute for Child health Research at University of Western Australia believes it is the result of conceptual change.

He says that one of the most important discoveries in autism research over the past two decades has been that the syndrome varies along a spectrum of severity.

The understanding  that children can present with less severe autistic symptoms, which are often difficult to identify at  a young age,  led to the formulation of new  diagnostic categories – Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), both of which come under the collective banner of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The expansion of diagnostic boundaries has meant that individuals who would previously have been placed under a different “diagnostic banner” are now more likely to receive a primary diagnosis of autism.

This is particularly true for the diagnoses of language disorders and intellectual disability, and the prevalence of these conditions has decreased over the past two decades as autism diagnoses have increased.

The positive thing about better diagnoses is that children can get the specific, relevant and appropriate treatment they require.

What are your views on this contentious topic?

The existence of post- natal depression is  increasingly accepted in today's times. What is rarely spoken about, or acknowledged, is that fathers too can suffer depression after the birth of a child.

The effects  of early paternal depression on children's development is the subject of  a new paper in The Medical Journal of Australia. Based on data from the Longitudinal  Study of Australian Children, the researchers found depression in fathers during  the first year of a child's life can have detrimental impact on their child's  behaviour, and social and emotional development. 

This paper highlights the need to:

1. Educate the public that fathers may be at risk for depression after the birth of a child.

2. Be alert that this depression may surface up to a year after the birth.

3. Remove the shame of seeking help so that fathers can get the treatmen they require.

4. Ensure fathers get treatment to protect the well being of their child.

Do you know any father who has suffered paternal depression? 

Please share you knowledge and experiences.

Anger is a form of control. When we are young, we discover that if we yell and scream, we will get what we want.

Look at young kids. A two year old having a tantrum in a shopping mall will get whatever their hearts desire. Mum will do anything for peace.

If we continually give an agry person what they are demanding, we become part of the problem. We “enable” the angry person. We reinforce the anger so it will continue to occur regularly.

I understand that hostility is intimidating. I am fully aware that aggression is frightening.

But I also know that if you do not stand up to it, or ignore it, you will be a puppet in the hands of the perpetrator.

Make a decision today not to be controlled. Do not give in to demands that do not suit you.

What are you doing to placate an angry person in your life?