I have always struggled with the term “good divorce” which is a term popularised in the 1990s to describe a break-up in which the parents are co-operative, the children remain close to both, and emerge, apparently, unscathed.
Working with broken families, I have never seen anyone emerge intact. So when a new study showed that even a ”good” divorce may not protect children from the fall-out of a marriage breakdown, it felt more congruent to me.
Paul Amato, the lead author, and professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University says, ”Creating a positive post-divorce family environment – although worthwhile – is no guarantee that children will be unharmed by marital dissolution.”
The study found the offspring from ”good” divorces were no better off on a range of well-being measures than youngsters of divorced parents who did not get on.
In self-esteem, satisfaction with life and school, their experimentation with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, and in their school marks, children of ”good” divorces scored no better.
As young adults they were as likely as peers with less co-operative divorced parents to report having had under-age sex and substance abuse problems; and they enjoyed no better relationships with their mothers.
However, the ”good divorce ” group had better relationships with their fathers, and as children, fewer behaviour problems.
Professor Amato, a highly regarded researcher with a background at the Australian Institute of Family Studies, said in the absence of domestic violence it made sense for couples not yet fully committed to separation to try to rebuild their relationship.
For parents who did separate, counsellors should help them learn strategies to reduce stressors for children that often followed divorce.
It all seems obvious to me but having research to confirm it is important because hopefully it will give some people the impetus to really try and save their families.

It is important that parents can talk frankly about sex. Often parents are worried about the sexual activity of their kids and are not sure if it is appropriate or not.
It’s a minefield that every parent must navigate carefully. However, they do not know what normal sexual behaviour among their children is.
A new book called Is this Normal? Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Behaviour, warns that even some pre-school kids are crossing the line when it comes to sexual behaviour.
Playing “doctor and nurse” is fine. But watch out for “red light” cases that can be a harmful and worrying trend of early sexual behaviour.
Child sex experts say while normal behaviour varies in different age groups, children as young as eight are engaging in oral sex at school and some in childcare are touching themselves in public.
Co-authors Holly Brennan and Judy Graham use a “traffic light” model to indicate to parents and carers if what their children are doing is OK or if they need help.
Red light cases are harmful, orange light cases can be of concern and green lights show sexual behaviours that are normal and age appropriate.
For example, two four-year-olds playing in a cubby house innocently exploring their bodies in a “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game is classed as a green light case. But if a seven-year-old girl said she saw a 13-year-old boy touching her friend’s private parts that is a red light.
What parents often do not know is that children are sexual beings and have urges. It is our job as parents to be vigilant and protective. Teach your child about personal space and private parts and encourage sharing of information.

One way of managing anger is to look within. It’s a matter of becoming psychological-minded and engaging in introspection. Tune into the inner dialogue that you customarily have with yourself.
•    Uproot mistaken beliefs that underlie your response. Very often anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as, that life must be fair. Unfairness exists. The belief that you are entitled to fairness results from the mistaken idea that you are special. If you feel that you are special, you will certainly find lots to be angry about, because the universe is indifferent to us.
Insisting that life must be fair is not only irrational, it will cause you to collect injustices done to your noble self. Even if you are experiencing nothing more than your fair share of unfairness, such a belief can still fuel rage and lead to depression.
Those who hold the deep belief that life should always be fair cannot abide when it is unfair. That leads directly to rage that is totally inert, because they believe there is nothing that they can do about the unfairness. They feel helpless and hopeless—in other words, depressed. Self-pity is another description of the same phenomenon.
•    Notice your own complaining. Listen for both overt and covert complaining. Overt complaining hassles others. It’s really a manipulative strategy. Know when it’s becoming a downer and a barrier to a strategy of effectiveness—like complaining about a fly in your soup. Covert complaining hassles you; it drags you down into passivity and inertia. Once you notice it, determine to give it up.
•    Once you can accept that life sometimes is unfair, and then you can pursue positive purpose. You can work constructively against injustices you find, transforming your anger into passion. Or you can pursue fulfilment in spite of the unfairness that exists.
With thanks to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/anger-pain-and-depression

Last week I presented the latest research on controlled crying which, on the whole, was positive. However, many other experts do not agree.
1.    A new guide from parenting service Safe Sleep Space, opposes controlled crying and says that taking a gentle, positive approach is more effective than laying down the law.
2.    SA Health guidelines do not support controlled crying, and instead encourage mothers to use attachment techniques.
3.    The Women’s and Children’s Health Network guidelines suggest wrapping, rocking, patting and having a constant background noise.
4.    They also suggest developing a routine early in a child’s life to encourage the development of a sleeping pattern.
5.    Maternal and child health nurse Helen Stevens says that desperate parents whose toddlers refuse to sleep should ditch the tough love approach, because ordering youngsters back to bed, closing the bedroom door and threatening punishment is distressing, unnecessary and counter-productive. Instead, parents should feel free to sit with them so they feel secure. “Parents get a bit desperate with toddlers and take the hard line, but it’s not necessary,” said Ms Stevens, who has helped develop the DVD Safe Sleep Space.
Ms Stevens said her philosophy echoed the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health position, which says it may have “unintended negative consequences”.
“We work with a lot of parents and those who try it, the toddlers got worse, their behaviours more clingy,” she said.
All this information is confusing and the truth is, we still do not know. My view is that several parenting styles could work, there does not have to be one RIGHT way of parenting.
The best way is the way that is comfortable for you as long as it has not been proven damaging or cruel.

Are you in favour of controlled crying? Well, it seems that there is some evidence that it could be helpful and not damaging to babies.
An unpublished study from Flinders University found controlled crying did not increase the stress levels of babies, or lead to any attachment disorders, a year after the controlled sleeping phase.
Lead researcher and senior lecturer in child psychology Dr Michael Gradisar said the Flinders study found decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the saliva of babies that were subject to controlled crying.
“It makes us think that what has happened is that this technique has helped to resolve their sleeping issues,” Dr Gradisar said.
He said it was possible that with the increase in sleep, mum was also less stressed and as a result mother and child began interacting better.
On the first night, parents were to leave a child for just two minutes, a time which increased to a maximum of 15 minutes by night three.
Dr Gradisar said further research was needed in the area to see if the results could be replicated.
Murdoch Children’s Research Centre research found controlled crying was successful with babies more than six months old.
Sleep expert Dr Brian Symon said there was no scientific evidence which showed controlled crying had an adverse impact on the child.
Associate Professor Rosemary Horne, deputy director of The Ritchie Centre at Monash Institute of Medical Research, said controlled crying could be successful in toddlers, but must be done properly.
Not everyone agrees and some experts say it is dangerous and cruel. This underpins the value of ongoing research so that a definitive answer can be obtained. In the meantime, as the jury is still out, it seems that you can continue to utilise controlled crying with your baby if it resonates with you.

Many people do not enjoy conflict. And many people choose passive ways of dealing with conflict. Here are 4 common passive conflict styles:

The Avoider: Avoiders refuse to fight. When a conflict arises, they will leave, fall asleep, and pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem in some other way. This behaviour makes it very difficult for their spouses/friends to express feelings of anger, hurt, etc., because avoiders won’t fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won’t even put up his gloves.
The Denier: Not only do deniers refuse to face up to a conflict, they pretend that there is nothing at all wrong. This denial really drives their friends/spouses crazy when they definitely feel there is a problem, and it causes them to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodator.
The Guilt Maker: Instead of dealing with feelings directly, guilt makers try to change their spouses or friend’s behaviour by attempting to have them take responsibility for causing pain. The guilt maker’s favourite line is “It’s okay, don’t worry about me…” accompanied by a big sigh.
The Subject Changer: Really a type of avoider, the subject changer escapes facing up to anger by shifting the conversation whenever it approaches a conflictual stage. Because of these tactics, subject changers and their spouses/friends never have the chance to explore their problem and do something about it.
While there are times it is best to avoid conflict, sometimes it is preferable to assert yourself and deal with issues. Issues do not go away by themselves.
With thanks to http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp

How do parents keep their children safe when child pornography is rife?
Australian police are warning of an epidemic in child pornography. They say that paedophiles are increasingly recording themselves abusing children and sharing these images with child sex networks.
Australian Federal Police (AFP) said officers used to find hundreds of photographs on a suspect’s computer but they were now confronting people hoarding hundreds of thousands or even millions of images and videos.
Head of the AFP’s cyber crime unit, Assistant Commissioner Neil Gaughan, said while it did not necessarily reflect an increase in the number of child sex assaults, more were being recorded and uploaded onto the Internet.
The number of Australians arrested by the AFP for child pornography offences in 2011 was 180, compared with 136 the previous year — about a 30 percent rise.
Gaughan said police had enhanced their technical ability to stop child abusers sharing pornographic imagery in recent years.
“We’re not going to (be able to) stop people sexually assaulting their kids, that’s a community issue,” Gaughan said.
“But if we can work with industry to get better tools to stop the dissemination, we can hopefully cut some of the supply.”
The AFP said cooperation with authorities around the world was also important, given that images and videos of child sex were being used as “currency” by offenders to buy their way into transnational paedophile groups.
This adds stress to parenting children. What can you do to protect your child?
1.    Educate your child to get close to only a few people.
2.    Teach your child that nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
3.    Encourage your child to tell you about their feelings and experiences.
4.    Be alert to what your child is doing when and with whom.

Fathers today want to be more involved in raising and caring for their children but pressures from work are pulling them in the other direction.

A new book, Time Bomb: Work, rest and play in Australia today, says half of fathers with young children work more than 45 hours a week, regarded as ”long hours”, compared with 29 per cent of workers overall.
In Time Bomb, authors Barbara Pocock, Natalie Skinner and Philippa Williams note that for working fathers the pressure is getting worse and for those with preschool children, paid work rose by an average 5.7 hours in the decade to 2006.
Professor Pocock said that often, as men’s careers take off in their early 30s, the children start to arrive. Men were experiencing the ”coincidence of a certain moment of their life cycle and career cycle alongside those early years of a child’s life.”
She said changes to the labour market were intensifying that pressure with big growth in professional and managerial employment, and a prevalence of unpaid overtime. A generation ago many more men were in blue-collar work where you could clock off at a regular time.
”What we’re actually seeing is it’s getting tougher for fathers,” she said.
Research points to persistent long hours adding to the risk of mental and physical health issues.
Professor Pocock said that while there had been enormous change to the labour market and industry over the past 30 years, there had not been changes in flexibility to allow workers to have greater control. ”There’s enormous talk around flexibility,” she said. ‘But the talk has run ahead of the reality.”
Do you work long hours? How is it affecting your relationships?

Tune in to ABC Local Radio on Monday, April 9th at 1pm for the ‘Easter Afternoon with Aaron Kearney’ program. Renee will be part of a panel discussion on smacking. Check your local ABC radio station for your bandwidth.  For Sydney listeners, it’s 702 on the AM band

It is probably impossible for two people, who live work or interact with one another, not to have conflict sooner or later. Conflict is not necessarily bad and can lead to good outcomes if conducted fairly.

Here are some fair fighting rules:

• Stay in the present. Don’t dredge up things from the past or predict the future.
• Stick to one issue. Try to identify exactly what triggered your anger.
• Use “I feel” statements. Stay away from “you make me” statements.
• Avoid the words “always” and “never.”
• Avoid name calling and degrading or profane names. Name calling and profanity are often the fastest way to arouse another person’s anger.
• Take time to listen. Don’t say, “I know what you are thinking or feeling.”
• Don’t interrupt–Wait your turn to speak. Only one person at a time should speak.
• Don’t assign blame. Avoid “I’m right” or “you’re wrong” statements.
• Focus on the real issue. Don’t argue about minor or unrelated details.
• Clarify what you are hearing. Repeat back to the other person what you heard them say. Ask them if you are on track.
• Don’t hit below the belt. Refrain from using intimate knowledge to attack or hurt the other person.
• Lower your voice. “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
• Take a time-out when needed. If you sense an unsafe situation or your own anger seriously limits your ability to follow these rules, agree to come back and discuss the issues at an agreed upon time.

When you apply these rules, you will feel better because you will have aired your grievance but not lost control.

With thanks to http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp

A new book has criticised hands-on parenting techniques. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food, laments her baby girl’s inability to sit up at a dinner table as opposed to the obedient French children who sit upright and silent as they delicately eat their fish and chips.
Druckerman’s book comes hot on the heels of Amy Chua’s Tiger Mama, which recommends ‘‘tough love’’ parenting to get your children into Yale. In contrast to Chua, Druckerman is arguing for a little French nonchalance.
It’s easy to see why this type of book keeps coming and why we keep reading them. Chua and Druckerman offer simple answers to a bafflingly complex problem. Never before has the world been so crowded, so quickly changing, so competitive. And parents are looking for advice as to what is the most effective parenting style.
Druckerman places the blame for her child’s “bad” behaviour firmly on ‘‘attachment parenting’’ – a hands-on style that is very much in vogue in Australia as well as the US.
She says that our proclivity for responding quickly to the needs of our children, praising them to develop self-esteem and eating between meal times is creating a generation of overweight, bad-tempered and undisciplined youngsters, not to mention destroying their mothers’ lives.
Both these books are not scientific studies. They are the personal experience of one mum and her child. In contrast, psychologists, who are researchers, know that for people to develop into empathetic and fully functioning adults, they need to have strong relationships with the people who love them most.
Chua’s solution is relentless hard work, Druckerman’s is to let children figure out it on their own, and that of the helicopter parent is to be there to guide them every step of the way.
My advice is to enjoy reading these books for what they are but do not base your important parenting decisions on anecdotal information.

Barely a day goes by in the media without a piece scoffing at ‘‘helicopter parents’’, child kings and attachment parenting. The argument goes that our desire to be good parents has led to a generation of narcissistic, obese, rude and badly behaved children.
Studies evaluating parenting styles and their results do not confirm this argument. You might find the helicopter-parented child a bit of a whinger, but the worst-behaved children are those who are ignored.
Overwhelming evidence now points to hands-on parenting as a critical reason behind a successful and confident adult life. The OECD recently published a series of studies showing that students whose parents often read books with them in early childhood showed markedly higher scores, irrespective of socio-economic background.
Parenting has evolved into such a hands-on style it is because parents think it will work. However, parents have taken it too far and balance must be sought.
Here are some tips on how to be helicopter parents who are around and aware but not stifling emotional growth:
1.    It is important to be attached and focused on the needs of your child but you also need to give space for autonomy and independence.
2.    There is a difference between a baby crying incessantly at night for comfort and a four year old screaming for a lolly.
3.    Giving your child a voice does not mean in all matters and at all times. Sometimes you have to override that voice in the larger interest. You have the wisdom to know when what your child wants makes sense or is just an infantile demand.
4.    Teaching the ability to delay gratification, have values like sharing, being polite and exhibiting socially acceptable behaviour are all important for your child’s well-being. Attachment and giving everything your child desires are two separate things.

If you want your children to grow up lean, you might want to encourage them to eat with their fingers. Infants given finger foods during weaning gain less weight than those who are spoon-fed purées by parents, a study shows.
Psychologist Dr Ellen Townsend, who led the study, said babies who take control at mealtimes have the best chance of avoiding obesity. Letting them choose what they want to eat from a selection of foods also leads to them preferring a healthier diet.
“Control is the key thing, as well as sitting at the table with family, because it may help babies regulate what they eat in a way that will benefit them in later life,” said Dr Townsend.
Her team looked at 92 children who had been weaned on finger foods – such as fruit cut into strips and bread sticks – and 63 who were spoon-fed between the ages of 20-months and six-years.
They noted preferences for 151 foods broken down into categories including carbohydrates, dairy and ‘whole meals’ such as lasagne.
The results showed no difference in picky eating, but slightly less obesity in the children feeding themselves.
These youngsters also had a “significantly increased liking for carbohydrates”, while those who had been spoon-fed favoured sweet things.
Tam Fry, of the National Obesity Forum, said: “The value of experimentation in early months of nutrition is incalculable and babies won’t willingly starve. If this has the advantage of reducing unhealthy weight gain and avoiding obesity, it’s a win-win for mums.”
I agree. Obesity is an issue for our generation and finding ways of preventing it from the start, will impact mums and bubs positively.

Failure to recognize and understand anger can lead to a variety of problems for pregnant women and their unborn babies.
According to APA (American Psychologists Association) documentation, anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes: when we get angry, our heart rates and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of our energy hormones as adrenaline and epinephrine are released, contributing to growing tension and causing blood vessels to constrict. This reduces oxygen to the uterus, thus compromising foetal blood supply. Even suppressed anger has long been thought to cause anxiety and depression. The Counselling Centre for Human Development at the University of Florida agrees that anger can have detrimental effects on relationships, patterns of thinking, and cause many physical problems including colds, ulcers, asthma, high blood pressure (hypertension), heart problems, headaches, skin disorders and digestive problems.
The UK-based charity Tommy’s, the baby charity, is dedicated to funding research into, and providing information on, the causes of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth. Tommy’s research has shown that long-term anger or anxiety can have detrimental effects on your baby. Some effects include premature birth (delivered before 37 weeks), a problematic birth or even result in a low birth weight (even when full term), and this is the leading cause of infant mortality. Normal birth weight is defined as greater that 5 lb. 5 oz.; moderately low birth weight is 3 lb. 5 oz. to 5 lb. 8 oz., and very low birth weight is less than 3 lb. 5 oz.
Tommy’s studies have also suggested that stress in the womb could affect baby’s temperament. Babies, whose mothers experienced high levels of stress, particularly in the first trimester, show more signs of depression and irritability (as well as being colicky).
Research has also indicated that extreme anxiety during pregnancy could double a mother’s chance of having a hyperactive child.
The verdict is out; anger and stress in pregnancy could be detrimental to your baby. Do not delay. Seek help and learn to manage and reduce your anger.

Every age brings it own challenges when you are a parent. We would like to think that by late adolescence, our children are out of the woods.
Not so. It has been found that fresh out of school,18-year-old males are more likely to commit a crime than people of any other age or gender.
Police took action against one-in-ten 18-year-old males in the year to July 2011, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics February 2012, making them the single biggest problem group for law enforcement authorities.
And the proportion of 18-year olds committing a crime is increasing slightly each year.
Most became caught up in public order offences such as offensive language and public drunkenness as they hit legal age and began drinking more and spending more time out after dark, juvenile crime expert from the University of Sydney’s Institute of Criminology, Garner Clancey, said.
”They’re out and about much more than any other time in their lives, they’re on public transport and in licensed venues and they’re often in groups so they’re more likely to be drawn into the police’s net,” he said.
Public order offences were the most common crime committed by 18-year olds, followed by theft, drug offences and acts intended to cause injury.
Not only are they drinking more, teenage males are more prone to take risks as their brains are still developing, Father Chris Riley from Youth off the Streets said. However, he believes rising youth unemployment and a lack of services are behind the alarming statistics.
Parenting adolescents is always tough but as parents  we need to develop appropriate parenting styles to engage our older adolescents and to guide them through this risky phase.

Stranger danger is a fear many parents have. In fact, ONLY 40 per cent of city parents think that it is safe for their primary-school-aged children to go to school on their own.
Research fellow Catherine Underwood, who studied neighbourhood satisfaction for the Australian Council for Educational Research, was surprised at how strong parents’ perceptions of stranger danger were.
”A number … commented that the No.1 rule they instilled in their children was don’t talk to strangers, because you can’t trust anyone you don’t know,” she said. ”I think parents are doing a good job of scaring the daylights out of their kids.”
The study also found that in metropolitan Victoria, 76 per cent of parents with children aged five to 12 agreed stranger danger was the biggest barrier to children’s independent activities in their neighbourhood.
Children worried about strangers ”but not nearly as much as their parents”, Ms Underwood said.
The consequences of this are enormous.  It is a given that parents want to parent safely and to protect their kids at all costs. However, by over estimating the possibility of danger from strangers, parents limit their children opportunities to develop independence.
A huge part of becoming independent is being able to go alone to a neighbour’s house or catch a bus to school. A child learns to navigate directions and learns about timing and road rules and even the weather.
When parents are constantly around and protecting their children, these opportunities are lost. In addition, the children become fearful themselves.
Do you think stranger danger is more prevalent? Or is it being overestimated? And how is that affecting your kids?

The Internet can be a wonderful resource for kids. Kids who are old enough to punch in a few letters on the keyboard can literally access the world.
But that access can also pose hazards. For example, an 8-year-old might do an online search for “Lego.” But with just one missed keystroke, the word “Legs” is entered instead, and the child may be directed to a slew of websites with a focus on legs — some of which may contain pornographic material.
Online tools are available that will let you control your kids’ access to adult material and help protect them from Internet predators.  www.reneemill.com/products/
No option is going to guarantee that they’ll be kept away from 100% of the risks on the Internet. So it’s important to
1.    be aware of your kids’ computer activities
2.   educate them about online risks
3.   take an active role in protecting your kids from Internet predators and sexually explicit materials online.

To do that:
•    Become computer literate and learn how to block objectionable material.
•    Keep the computer in a common area, not in individual bedrooms, where you can watch and monitor its use.
•    Share an email account with your child so you can monitor messages.
•    Bookmark kids’ favourite sites for easy access.
•    Spend time online together to teach your kids appropriate online behaviour.
•    Forbid your child from entering private chat rooms; block them with safety features.
•    Monitor your credit card and phone bills for unfamiliar account charges.
•    Find out what, if any, online protection is offered by your child’s school, after-school centre, friends’ homes, or anyplace where kids could use a computer without your supervision.
•    Take your child seriously if he or she reports an uncomfortable online exchange.
•    Forward copies of obscene or threatening messages you or your kids get to your Internet service provider and the police.

Many parents fear stranger danger. What they do not know is that children are more likely to be assaulted by relatives or acquaintances than by strangers. This finding is provided by  Superintendent Kerlatec, the commander of the NSW sex crimes squad.
Despite this reality, 76 per cent of parents surveyed in Victoria considered stranger danger the main barrier to primary school-aged children moving independently around their city neighbourhoods.
Superintendent Kerlatec said the greatest consideration when deciding whether to let children walk or travel alone was ”the maturity of the child both mentally and physically, and what skills they are equipped with”.
”It comes down to the ability of the child to comprehend when something is wrong.”
Detective Superintendent John Kerlatec said education was vital to ensuring they are safe. ”We need to … make sure our children know what to do if they feel uncomfortable, what to do if they feel unsafe … where to go [for help],” he said.
Police recommend that children be taught to seek refuge in police stations, libraries, schools or familiar shops if they feel unsafe, or to approach police, teachers or trusted adults for help. They should not talk to strangers or get into cars with anyone they do not know.
Superintendent Kerlatec said on average around 25 offences are committed against children by strangers each year in NSW, a relatively low incidence. While police take every report seriously, Superintendent Kerlatec said an ”exceptionally low” number turned out to be of concern.
He encouraged parents to be cautious, but said ”95 per cent of assaults on children are perpetrated by people they know or are related to, so that’s of greater concern”.
In other words, the bulk of educating our kids should be about not letting family members or acquaintances come “too close”.

Many parents feel guilty about placing their children in day care. Over the years, there has been an ongoing debate over whether children in day care fare worse than children home full-time with mum.

An Australian National University study was done where more than 5000 toddlers were observed. The findings were worrying to say the least.

Behavioural problems, equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week, were noted. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.

On the flip-side, however, day care children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.

Barbara Romeril, executive director of Community Childcare, said childcare encouraged children to be more assertive and articulate.

In  my opinion, there are many factors that play a role here. Sometimes, a child is in day care because mum and dad work full-time. This means mum and dad are tired at the end of the day and also exhibit frustration, moodiness and stubbornness.

The child may be copying his parents or may be reacting to his parents fatigue. OR it could be the day care experience.

I would love to hear your views on this divisive topic.

TV often get a bad rap when it comes to children watching. We often hear about the negative side with violence, sexualisation and ads for unhealthy food, and parents are really concerned about this.

Therefore,  the Australian Council on Children and the Media (ACCM) and author Margaret Chandler  complied a report based on the opinions of Australian parents and grandparents of young children aged 2-8.

They found that,” when it comes to television, parents agree with the experts: they want quality TV. They know that quality television will promote their children’s healthy development.

Parents want their children to experience what they remember fondly from television programs they watched when they were young: entertaining stories that connect them to and expand their world, told by people who have their wellbeing in mind. Programs that nurture the children’s sense of curiosity, fun, creativity, and also model kindness and gentleness.”

The conclusion of the parents was that “TV plays a positive role in young children’s lives when it’s high quality and when parents monitor their children’s viewing, watch television with them and talk about the program.”

Because TV is the major media platform in the lives of families, it’s important that parents are aware of is the essential role they need to play to make sure TV is a positive in their child’s life.

What has been your experience of TV viewing when you were a child and what is your experience now?

Do you agree with the parents quoted in this report?

Parenting guidance

Here is some parenting guidance for parents who feel at a loss when their kids are fighting and they do not know how to stop it. Neither do they know how to help them resolve the issue.

Most parents do not have a model to teach their child simple conflict resolution.

TLC is a useful anagram to help your child keep focused on the ideal way of resolving conflict.

Talk
Listen
Care

First you teach your child the anagram. Then you explain each word. Talk means the child is given the opportunity to have her say. She gets to explain her point of view and she must feel that the other party understood her.

Once she has spoken, she must give the other party the same opportunity to express the problem as they saw it.

Talking may go on for a while until both parties feel understood. This is facilitated by caring. If both parties care about the other’s feelings, both will feel understood and ready to find a solution.

If there is no care, then a battle of wills develops and it much harder to move on. Similarly, if there is no time given to speak and be heard, both parties will feel frustrated and want to express their angry feelings instead of move towards resolution.

Utilise this parenting guiidance. It is simple and effective.

Parenting goals

Often parents dish out punishment randomly without any parenting goals. Punishment should never be dished out randomly or excessively. If you are a parent who utilises punishment, then you need to keep the purpose of punishment clear.

Punishment should be seen as a method of assisting your child to stop a negative behaviour which she herself cannot do alone.

For example, if your child keeps forgetting to make her bed, you begin by making it a game for a week. If that does not work, you can try the drill method where you practice every day.

If that still does not work you may decide to punish which in effect means giving a consequence like: “if you do not make your bed, you will not have a treat at breakfast”. This will “hurt” your child and may be the necessary impetus for her to make a change. It is your way of helping her do the right thing.

Punishment is also helpful in teaching your child obedience which is a valuable life tool. We all have to obey rules like traffic signs or tax laws. Teaching your child to follow rules is therefore beneficial.

Punishment is not meant to humiliate or shame your child. Nor is it meant to crush her spirit or to take revenge for her misbehaviour.

From now on clarify your parenting goals. You will feel more centred and your child will benefit from appropriate discipline.

Parenting from the heart

Parenting from the heart is much more useful than parenting from a book.

Like you, your child has feelings and moods. She therefore may be behaving badly because she is tired/angry/distressed/frustrated etc. and not because she is trying to rile you.

Giving your child support when she is distressed will be more beneficial than punishment in the long term. Put your child to sleep if she is very tired. Moreover, teach your child to recognise signs of hunger and fatigue so she can self soothe in the future.

Punishing your child when she is upset teaches your child nothing. Also, it may leave her feeling more upset and misunderstood.

Before administering a punishment, ask yourself the following questions:

Is my child possibly feeling tired/angry/distressed/out of control
etc?
Would punishment be beneficial in this situation?
Would support, encouragement, love, sympathy etc. be more beneficial than punishment in this situation?
Could my child benefit from learning how to express his feelings verbally rather than acting them out?

Children often act out when they feel terrible. Being a good parent means knowing when to administer punishment and when to employ other strategies. By being in tune with your daughter and her needs, you will find it easier to know how to act.

Parenting from the heart means that you responded emotionally to her needs and she will love you for it.

Parenting for fathers

Many fathers are looking for parenting advice. Fathers can be detached, over-involved or have a healthy sense of involvement.An effective father is an involved father

A detached father could be described as someone who is uninvolved physically or emotionally in the parenting of his child. If a father is detached in an ongoing way, not only will the mother feel overburdened and resentful, but the baby will grow up feeling unimportant and neglected.

At the other end of the spectrum is the over-involved father. He is the father who needs to do everything for his child and gives his child no space for individual growth. Such a child could grow up feeling controlled, intruded upon and out of touch with his strengths.

The “ideal” for a father to work towards is to have a healthy sense of involvement with his baby. In practice, this means showing interest and concern in the development of your child but allowing him the leeway to develop according to his own abilities and interests.

Suggestions on how to be an involved father.

From day one, every bit of contact you have with your baby will build the relationship. Therefore, do not run away but be present as much as possible. Help wherever you can. Make eye contact with your baby , play with him and cuddle him as much as you can.

Over the years, expose your child to your work, hobbies, interests. By doing so you will provide a window to the world for your child which will be quite different from the window provided by mother.

Make time to interact with your child and to forge an independent relationship with him. Watch how he thrives from your interaction and love.

Fathers, let your parenting be a positive experience for you and your child.

Parenting for dads

Many modern dads are interested in good parenting models. They want to know how best to father their sons.

A father who interacts with his son, and is involved in his upbringing, will provide an important role-model, teaching his son how to father effectively. This interaction will also assist his son’s developing heterosexuality. In addition, I have observed in my clinical practice that sons who have involved, caring fathers have fewer discipline problems than other boys.

This does not imply that you should only be a discipline figure in your son’s life. Sons require a lot of affection. When your son is little, hold him, hug him, kiss him. When he is older, if he objects to being hugged and kissed, find other ways of making physical contact such as patting him on the back or shaking his hand.

Boys are emotional beings too. Fathers often want their sons to be “a man” and encourage what they perceive to be manly. Remember, boys are emotional beings just as girls are, but are often socialised to be tough, unemotional and brave. If they are not able to actually feel tough or brave, boys are encouraged to put on a tough/brave face. This is not helpful to their emotional well-being.

When your son is emotional, try not to belittle him or tell him, “Big boys don’t cry”. Rather, try and accept him as he is, and offer comfort and reassurance when necessary. Do not worry that he will grow into a wimp. On the contrary, you will be assisting him to develop into an adult who can form lasting relationships.

Discuss feelings with your son. Let him see you cry. Role model treating his mother and all women well. Remember, you will be his most powerful example for life. I hope you found these parenting tips for dads helpful.

Parenting fighting siblings

A huge challenge in parenting is when siblings are fighting. Most parents I have met get distressed when there is conflict in the family.
They hate it when their children fight with each other.
They get very distressed when their child is having conflict with a friend.
They worry when they are in the grip of conflict with their child themselves.

If you are one of these parents, it will help you to view conflict as an inevitable part of life. Instead of being afraid of conflict, see it as an opportunity for your child to derive new and better solutions to problems.

Whenever two people interact, conflict is highly likely. This is because no two people think and feel alike. The fact your child gets into arguments means he is an autonomous individual asserting his own ideas. This is a good thing.

However, the way he asserts his ideas is important too. He needs to learn to deal with conflict in a constructive way.

Instead of dreading the parenting bit that involves fighting siblings, see it as an opportunity for growth. By teaching your child effective conflict resolution skills, he will be able to resolve the issues that bother him. He will not destroy relationships in the process. He can emerge from the conflict better than before.

Parenting eye contact

Eye contact in parenting is very important. Language can be verbal or non-verbal. This means that when we speak, we speak with words and our bodies. When you speak to your child, what was does your body language convey?

Acceptance
Love
Focus
Anger
Intimidation
Firmness
Impatience
Boredom
Indifference
Interest
Happiness

All these feelings can be revealed in your eyes. In fact, eyes give everything away. No matter what your words say, your true feelings will come through in your eyes. That is why in parenting eye contact is vital.

Arms and hands are very revealing too. Anger or intimidation are clearly conveyed in where you place your arms and what you are doing with your hands. Open arms with relaxed hands suggest calmness, openness and friendliness.

Legs and feet tell the other person where your stand, literally and figuratively. Which way are they pointing? Facing directly and not fidgeting means you are focused and present in the interaction.

Your answers should help you identify areas for improvement. If you want to get closer to your child, you may have to work on conveying love, interest and acceptance.

Parenting evaluation questions

Sometimes we think we are communicating well but in fact we are not. Here are some evalaution questions that will help you to clarify how well you are doing in communicating with your child.

Did you speak to your child today? _________________________________

For how long? _____________________________________________

What was the content of your conversation?
(a)Allocating chores
(b)Correcting the child’s behaviour
(c)Assisting with homework
(d)Giving instructions
(e)Criticising
(f)Lecturing
(g)Sharing about the day
(h)Sharing feelings
(i)Asking for his opinion
(j)Talking about his dreams and aspirations
(k)Comforting him

60% of your discussion should involve (g) to (k).

How did you do on these evaluation questions? If you scored less than 60% then you need to improve your communication skills.

Here are some tips: from today, focus on listening more and sharing more. At the same time do not lecture and correct as much. Think about forming a relationship with your child that is more than just getting through the day. Work on talking about feelings and experiences and try and get to know your child as a person.

Parenting effective communication

Effective communication is vital in good parenting. Very often we talk to your children, but our minds are a 100 miles away. We are busy and rushed with a million things to do.

If you would like your child to connect with you more, it is important that he/she feels that you are present with him/her in the moment.

Ask yourself: the last time your child approached you for a chat, were you busy with something else at the time?
Cooking
Cleaning
Reading emails
Watching TV
Talking on the phone
Doing homework
Fixing a light bulb

If you answered yes to one or more of these, then make a conscious effort next time to focus. Put whatever you are doing down and concentrate on what is being said to you.

If you are doing something that cannot wait, like talking to a doctor, then assure your child you will be available to talk soon.

Parents often complain to me that their children do not speak to them. Looking closer it become apparent that there is no space to chat because you are busy all the time. Sometimes planning and doing chores at a different time does wonder because then there are breaks when there is time to connect.

Watch your child come chat to you more and more as he/she feels you are focused on him/her.

As your communication in your parenting becomes more effective, observe how it improves the relationship you have with your child overall. It is quite simple really.

Parenting discipline techniques

One of the most successful parenting techniques is the use of consequences.However, consequences only work if they are chosen carefully and fit the “crime”. Random consequences have no impact on changing behaviour long term.

There are 4 main categories of consequences:

(a) Removal of Privileges
Privileges include eating in the dining room, sitting with adults, watching TV, having dessert, going to bed late, eating on china crockery.

Illustration

“Jane, if you want to watch TV with us, you need to be quiet. If you are not quiet from now, in 3 minutes you will need to go to the kitchen and play there.”

(b) Removal of Possessions
Only remove a possession if it is interfering with your child doing a job.

Illustration
“Fred, I see you are not focusing on homework because you are playing with your Nintendo. I am going to take it and hold on to it until you have finished your homework.”

(c) Removal from a Situation: “Time Out”

When a child becomes overwhelmed by stimuli, she needs to be sent to a different environment so that the effect of the stimuli diminishes.

Illustration

“Juliet, you are running around the house and you need to settle down before bedtime. I want you to go to your room and calm down and then you can come back and join us.”

(d) Addition of Work
When a child does not do a chore, give her the original job plus an additional one to complete.

“Tamara, you were supposed to take out the garbage last night and now we missed the weekly collection. This week, you will not only take out the garbage but you will do my job as well which is hosing down the bins after collection.”

Try these parenting discipline techniques and see how effective they are.

Parenting baby

Parenting your baby can and should be a highly personal experience.

This is a question I received from Margi:
Is it terrible that our 1-year- old son Jacob is still in our bed? I actually enjoy it.

This is my answer:
Margi, there really is no right or wrong here. If you love sharing a bed and Jacob loves it, the situation is working for you. From my experience, I do not think you would be able to separate even if I suggested it. When you are ready, you will find the energy to put Jacob in his cot. However, if at that time you find him testy, that will be the time for me to suggest strategies.

Readiness and necessity are the pre-requisites to change and I can hear that you are not ready nor is it necessary. That is OK, enjoy Jacob!

Margi is following her intuition in parenting her baby. Jacob will benefit from this.

Parenting approaches

Punishment has been utilised by parents in raising children for generations. Since the 1970′s, there have been different parenting approaches punishment.

At one end of the spectrum is the belief that punishment is a necessary part of bringing up children. At the other end of the spectrum is the view that punishment is old fashioned and Biblical and should be outlawed.

In my opinion, all types of punishment should only be used rarely and under specific conditions. Punishment should only be utilised as a last resort when all other means of gaining cooperation have been exhausted.

Punishment can be viewed like chemotherapy which is a necessary medicine when a person has cancer. However, it is harmful when taken in the absence of cancer. Chemotherapy is the most drastic and unpleasant type of treatment.

Similarly, if you believe there is no other “cure” for your child’s misbehaviour, then punish by all means. However, since it is a drastic step, keep looking for more pleasant ways of gaining cooperation.

Have you taken the time to investigate more pleasant ways of working with your child? Have you ever thought about how drastic punishment is? I encourage you to research differing parenting approaches.

Parenting without conflict

Parenting without conflict can be a real challenge. Sometimes your child may be silent in response to your questions or demands. This can be very frustrating and may cause you to scream louder to get a response.

Rather than interpreting this to mean that he is being insolent or oppositional, try and view it as your child feeling overwhelmed and cornered.

Rather than trying to force him to speak, it is preferable to try and break the ice with him. You can do this by saying a kind word, being positive or ignoring the unresponsiveness.

Say kindly, “I can see you feel cornered. Lets leave this for now. Perhaps we can talk about it tomorrow.” This way you break the negative feedback loop and you leave with your self- respect.

Your child wants to have a good relationship with you. If he is quiet, yelling at him or trying to force him to speak makes a horrible situation. Leave the subject alone for today and focus on being kind. This will good for the relationship in the long run.

Know that conflict will not help your cause. Parenting without conflict will maximise your chances of solving problems with your child.

Parenting with love and logic

Parenting with love and logic is optimal.

When a child misbehaves frequently, it is often an indication that he is trying to get your attention. Every time you punish him, therefore, he is receiving negative attention which actually reinforces the misbehaviour further. Rather than punishing, parent with love and logic.

Should you feel that your child’s frequent misbehaviour is a call for attention, attempt to give him attention in a positive manner.

Here are some tips to give positive feedback to your child, even when he is at his worst. In fact it is frequently when our children are their most unlovable that they need the most love.

Buy a small notebook. Every day write down 3 things you noticed your child did right. They do not have to be major victories. Small things like: He flushed the toilet, she sat at the table for 2 minutes,, he ate some breakfast. This will help you start looking for the good.
Every night, tuck your child in. Even older children enjoy a chat at the end of the day at the bedside.
When you chat at night, take out your book and read the 3 things you wrote down. Read it in a loving, pleased way.
Go out of your way to be affectionate. If your child does not want to be hugged, squeeze his hand. Talk warmly. Sit close by.
Focus on character and not performance or success. If your child starts doing homework and then stops, say “I noticed you are putting in effort to do your homework. That shows diligence.” (rather than, “why can’t you ever finish your homework”).

The more you see good in your child, the more he will live up to it. The more your parenting consists of love and logic, the more loving you will feel and your home overall will feel more positive.

Parenting with grace

Parenting can be done with grace or while out of control.

Frequently a parent punishes his child severely for a “crime” that on another occasion would have received a mild reprimand. The difference in severity correlates directly with the mood of the parent.

For instance, you may be in a good mood when your child disturbs your TV show. So you lightheartedly ask her to move away. However, if you are in a foul mood you may scream, name call and even smack her for disturbing your show.

Clearly, when you punish because you are in a foul mood, it has little to do with your child’s behaviour and certainly is not aimed at helping her behave better. It has become all about you letting off steam.

Therefore, if you are about to administer a severe punishment to your child, ask yourself the following questions:

a)Am I feeling tired/angry/distressed/frustrated/stressed etc. independently of my child’s behaviour?

b)Could I be using this punishment as a safety valve for my own emotions?

c)Would I be administering this same punishment if I had just won a lottery?

d)Is it fair to punish my child just because I am in a foul mood?

Punishment is meant to help your child behave better. It should be used rarely and with discretion.

More importantly you will have more self respect when parenting with grace.

Parenting wisely

Frequent punishment can become a trap for you – the punisher. When you punish every day, you become trapped in one way of correcting behaviour, often with poor results. Get off the punishment treadmill and do your parenting wisely.

Instead of the punishment improving behaviour, it can cause your child to develop a deep resentment towards you.

Therefore, be a wise parent and stop punishing. Look for positive alternatives.

There are many positive alternatives such as thinking about your child and what makes him tick. Be mindful of his thoughts and feelings. Try and get through to him in different ways like communicating openly or doing things together.

Examine you own behaviour and see in which ways you are contributing to the problem. Sometimes just changing your behaviour changes the whole dynamic.

Read books on motivation. Then try and motivate your child to act in the way you want.

Seek professional help if necessary. At all times aim for a win/win. You want to help your child behave better, not win the battle. You want to inspire your child to be better which will build his self esteem rather than punish him continually which will lower his self esteem.

Give yourself credit for reading this and wanting to break a bad habit. Once you start making changes, your ability to carry out your parenting wisely will be greatly enhanced.

Parenting verbal communication

Good verbal communication assists parenting. However, sometimes when we are busy, we do not realise how we are coming across to our children. We think we are inviting conversation but, in fact, we are pushing our children away with a negative tone or attitude.

What was the tone of your voice during the last conversation you had with your child?

Angry
Loud
Impatient
Hostile
Intimidating
Irritated
Calm
Happy
Loving
Warm
Inviting

Did you lecture, moralise, try and prove your point when he told his story? Did you side with the other person he is talking about?

These are all communication roadblocks and will push your child away. He may withdraw and never want to try again.

Illustration

Johnny comes home and tells you his friend at school was mean to him. Do you jump in straight away, yelling “You will have no friends if you keep fighting with everybody. And knowing you, you probably started. From now on I suggest you let your friend go first every time!!”

Can you see how Johnny would feel betrayed, misunderstood and judged? Why would he want to let you in again.

From now on listen, be empathic and supportive. Give him the space to work out his own difficulties in a supportive environment. You want him to come to you. You want to be his prime support. So just do it.

Work on improving your verbal communication in your parenting. The rewards will be enormous.

Parenting use physical punishment

Even today, countless parents tell me that they use physical punishment in their parenting. Many parents resort to smacking because they simply know of no other method of punishing their child for poor behaviour. Are you one of those parents? If so, please visit my website for heaps of advice on loving, fun ways of gaining cooperation.

Maybe you utilise smacking because it is a “quick fix”. You do not have to investigate other methods. You do not have to change in any way. You can just impulsively, on the spot lash out.

This is not good parenting. A good parent is an effective educator, educating your child how to live in the world. Teaching life skills, social and emotional skills. Smacking teaches nothing.

An effective parent is one who role models successful behaviour to their child. Research shows that things like being calm in life, being flexible, able to resolve conflict and happy are major predictors of happiness.

Staying stuck in the smacking mould means you are none of these.

Even if you believe smacking is effective, it should not be your sole weapon. In fact, it should be rarely used. As a loving parent, you should stop using physical punishment in your parenting It is incumbent on you to learn other forms of effective punishment.

What do you know about positive reinforcement? What have you tried in the past that has worked?

This week is Children’s Week in Australia. Children’s week is an annual event celebrated during the fourth week in October.

In 1996, it was decided to adopt a permanent theme: “A Caring World Shares” as a reflection of  the aims of this week.

Children’s Week celebrates the right of children to enjoy childhood. It is also a time for children to demonstrate their talents, skills and abilities.

Thousands of children and their families around the country will be involved in activities and events this week  through the participation of schools, playgroups, childcare, kindergartens, cultural groups, libraries, departments and community groups.

This week should be a reminder to society to have  a greater response to the plight of many millions of children around the world who are denied the basic necessities of a happy childhood and the education to develop their capacities.

It should also call us in Australia to consider those conditions in society which affect the lives and future of our own children.

Will you be involved in this worthwhile cause this week?

Will your child?

Parenting unruly children

It can be very difficult to parent unruly children. It is very common for children to run around wildly at various times such as before bed, when friends are around or when you have visitors.

One of the reasons is that your has become overstimulated. When a child becomes overwhelmed by stimuli, internal and/or external, he needs to be sent to a different environment so that the effect of the stimuli diminishes.

This is the true meaning of the term “time out”. Time out is not a punishment. It is a natural consequence of over stimulation and is the method to fix a problem.

Teach your child that time out is a benefit for them. Teach your child to use time out himself. Educate him to be aware of when he is being over stimulated. Time out is more effective when you both see it as something to benefit the child.

Illustration

“Tim, you are running around like there is no tomorrow. I do not think it is good for you. I want you to go to your room and calm down and then you can come back and join us.”

Illustration

“Joanna, you are shouting and jumping up and down too much at this party. It is time to calm down. Put your head in down in your arms on the table and breathe deeply. No one will notice and you will feel better.’

Warning: Do not send your child for “time out” for longer than a few minutes. Do not send your child away as a rejection.

Time out works well for adults too, not just for parenting unruly children. When you feel you are losing it, use it.