Many parents feel guilty about placing their children in day care. Over the years, there has been an ongoing debate over whether children in day care fare worse than children home full-time with mum.

An Australian National University study was done where more than 5000 toddlers were observed. The findings were worrying to say the least.

Behavioural problems, equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week, were noted. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.

On the flip-side, however, day care children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.

Barbara Romeril, executive director of Community Childcare, said childcare encouraged children to be more assertive and articulate.

In  my opinion, there are many factors that play a role here. Sometimes, a child is in day care because mum and dad work full-time. This means mum and dad are tired at the end of the day and also exhibit frustration, moodiness and stubbornness.

The child may be copying his parents or may be reacting to his parents fatigue. OR it could be the day care experience.

I would love to hear your views on this divisive topic.

TV often get a bad rap when it comes to children watching. We often hear about the negative side with violence, sexualisation and ads for unhealthy food, and parents are really concerned about this.

Therefore,  the Australian Council on Children and the Media (ACCM) and author Margaret Chandler  complied a report based on the opinions of Australian parents and grandparents of young children aged 2-8.

They found that,” when it comes to television, parents agree with the experts: they want quality TV. They know that quality television will promote their children’s healthy development.

Parents want their children to experience what they remember fondly from television programs they watched when they were young: entertaining stories that connect them to and expand their world, told by people who have their wellbeing in mind. Programs that nurture the children’s sense of curiosity, fun, creativity, and also model kindness and gentleness.”

The conclusion of the parents was that “TV plays a positive role in young children’s lives when it’s high quality and when parents monitor their children’s viewing, watch television with them and talk about the program.”

Because TV is the major media platform in the lives of families, it’s important that parents are aware of is the essential role they need to play to make sure TV is a positive in their child’s life.

What has been your experience of TV viewing when you were a child and what is your experience now?

Do you agree with the parents quoted in this report?

Parenting guidance

Here is some parenting guidance for parents who feel at a loss when their kids are fighting and they do not know how to stop it. Neither do they know how to help them resolve the issue.

Most parents do not have a model to teach their child simple conflict resolution.

TLC is a useful anagram to help your child keep focused on the ideal way of resolving conflict.

Talk
Listen
Care

First you teach your child the anagram. Then you explain each word. Talk means the child is given the opportunity to have her say. She gets to explain her point of view and she must feel that the other party understood her.

Once she has spoken, she must give the other party the same opportunity to express the problem as they saw it.

Talking may go on for a while until both parties feel understood. This is facilitated by caring. If both parties care about the other’s feelings, both will feel understood and ready to find a solution.

If there is no care, then a battle of wills develops and it much harder to move on. Similarly, if there is no time given to speak and be heard, both parties will feel frustrated and want to express their angry feelings instead of move towards resolution.

Utilise this parenting guiidance. It is simple and effective.

Parenting goals

Often parents dish out punishment randomly without any parenting goals. Punishment should never be dished out randomly or excessively. If you are a parent who utilises punishment, then you need to keep the purpose of punishment clear.

Punishment should be seen as a method of assisting your child to stop a negative behaviour which she herself cannot do alone.

For example, if your child keeps forgetting to make her bed, you begin by making it a game for a week. If that does not work, you can try the drill method where you practice every day.

If that still does not work you may decide to punish which in effect means giving a consequence like: “if you do not make your bed, you will not have a treat at breakfast”. This will “hurt” your child and may be the necessary impetus for her to make a change. It is your way of helping her do the right thing.

Punishment is also helpful in teaching your child obedience which is a valuable life tool. We all have to obey rules like traffic signs or tax laws. Teaching your child to follow rules is therefore beneficial.

Punishment is not meant to humiliate or shame your child. Nor is it meant to crush her spirit or to take revenge for her misbehaviour.

From now on clarify your parenting goals. You will feel more centred and your child will benefit from appropriate discipline.

Parenting from the heart

Parenting from the heart is much more useful than parenting from a book.

Like you, your child has feelings and moods. She therefore may be behaving badly because she is tired/angry/distressed/frustrated etc. and not because she is trying to rile you.

Giving your child support when she is distressed will be more beneficial than punishment in the long term. Put your child to sleep if she is very tired. Moreover, teach your child to recognise signs of hunger and fatigue so she can self soothe in the future.

Punishing your child when she is upset teaches your child nothing. Also, it may leave her feeling more upset and misunderstood.

Before administering a punishment, ask yourself the following questions:

Is my child possibly feeling tired/angry/distressed/out of control
etc?
Would punishment be beneficial in this situation?
Would support, encouragement, love, sympathy etc. be more beneficial than punishment in this situation?
Could my child benefit from learning how to express his feelings verbally rather than acting them out?

Children often act out when they feel terrible. Being a good parent means knowing when to administer punishment and when to employ other strategies. By being in tune with your daughter and her needs, you will find it easier to know how to act.

Parenting from the heart means that you responded emotionally to her needs and she will love you for it.

Parenting for fathers

Many fathers are looking for parenting advice. Fathers can be detached, over-involved or have a healthy sense of involvement.An effective father is an involved father

A detached father could be described as someone who is uninvolved physically or emotionally in the parenting of his child. If a father is detached in an ongoing way, not only will the mother feel overburdened and resentful, but the baby will grow up feeling unimportant and neglected.

At the other end of the spectrum is the over-involved father. He is the father who needs to do everything for his child and gives his child no space for individual growth. Such a child could grow up feeling controlled, intruded upon and out of touch with his strengths.

The “ideal” for a father to work towards is to have a healthy sense of involvement with his baby. In practice, this means showing interest and concern in the development of your child but allowing him the leeway to develop according to his own abilities and interests.

Suggestions on how to be an involved father.

From day one, every bit of contact you have with your baby will build the relationship. Therefore, do not run away but be present as much as possible. Help wherever you can. Make eye contact with your baby , play with him and cuddle him as much as you can.

Over the years, expose your child to your work, hobbies, interests. By doing so you will provide a window to the world for your child which will be quite different from the window provided by mother.

Make time to interact with your child and to forge an independent relationship with him. Watch how he thrives from your interaction and love.

Fathers, let your parenting be a positive experience for you and your child.

Parenting for dads

Many modern dads are interested in good parenting models. They want to know how best to father their sons.

A father who interacts with his son, and is involved in his upbringing, will provide an important role-model, teaching his son how to father effectively. This interaction will also assist his son’s developing heterosexuality. In addition, I have observed in my clinical practice that sons who have involved, caring fathers have fewer discipline problems than other boys.

This does not imply that you should only be a discipline figure in your son’s life. Sons require a lot of affection. When your son is little, hold him, hug him, kiss him. When he is older, if he objects to being hugged and kissed, find other ways of making physical contact such as patting him on the back or shaking his hand.

Boys are emotional beings too. Fathers often want their sons to be “a man” and encourage what they perceive to be manly. Remember, boys are emotional beings just as girls are, but are often socialised to be tough, unemotional and brave. If they are not able to actually feel tough or brave, boys are encouraged to put on a tough/brave face. This is not helpful to their emotional well-being.

When your son is emotional, try not to belittle him or tell him, “Big boys don’t cry”. Rather, try and accept him as he is, and offer comfort and reassurance when necessary. Do not worry that he will grow into a wimp. On the contrary, you will be assisting him to develop into an adult who can form lasting relationships.

Discuss feelings with your son. Let him see you cry. Role model treating his mother and all women well. Remember, you will be his most powerful example for life. I hope you found these parenting tips for dads helpful.

Parenting fighting siblings

A huge challenge in parenting is when siblings are fighting. Most parents I have met get distressed when there is conflict in the family.
They hate it when their children fight with each other.
They get very distressed when their child is having conflict with a friend.
They worry when they are in the grip of conflict with their child themselves.

If you are one of these parents, it will help you to view conflict as an inevitable part of life. Instead of being afraid of conflict, see it as an opportunity for your child to derive new and better solutions to problems.

Whenever two people interact, conflict is highly likely. This is because no two people think and feel alike. The fact your child gets into arguments means he is an autonomous individual asserting his own ideas. This is a good thing.

However, the way he asserts his ideas is important too. He needs to learn to deal with conflict in a constructive way.

Instead of dreading the parenting bit that involves fighting siblings, see it as an opportunity for growth. By teaching your child effective conflict resolution skills, he will be able to resolve the issues that bother him. He will not destroy relationships in the process. He can emerge from the conflict better than before.

Parenting eye contact

Eye contact in parenting is very important. Language can be verbal or non-verbal. This means that when we speak, we speak with words and our bodies. When you speak to your child, what was does your body language convey?

Acceptance
Love
Focus
Anger
Intimidation
Firmness
Impatience
Boredom
Indifference
Interest
Happiness

All these feelings can be revealed in your eyes. In fact, eyes give everything away. No matter what your words say, your true feelings will come through in your eyes. That is why in parenting eye contact is vital.

Arms and hands are very revealing too. Anger or intimidation are clearly conveyed in where you place your arms and what you are doing with your hands. Open arms with relaxed hands suggest calmness, openness and friendliness.

Legs and feet tell the other person where your stand, literally and figuratively. Which way are they pointing? Facing directly and not fidgeting means you are focused and present in the interaction.

Your answers should help you identify areas for improvement. If you want to get closer to your child, you may have to work on conveying love, interest and acceptance.

Parenting evaluation questions

Sometimes we think we are communicating well but in fact we are not. Here are some evalaution questions that will help you to clarify how well you are doing in communicating with your child.

Did you speak to your child today? _________________________________

For how long? _____________________________________________

What was the content of your conversation?
(a)Allocating chores
(b)Correcting the child’s behaviour
(c)Assisting with homework
(d)Giving instructions
(e)Criticising
(f)Lecturing
(g)Sharing about the day
(h)Sharing feelings
(i)Asking for his opinion
(j)Talking about his dreams and aspirations
(k)Comforting him

60% of your discussion should involve (g) to (k).

How did you do on these evaluation questions? If you scored less than 60% then you need to improve your communication skills.

Here are some tips: from today, focus on listening more and sharing more. At the same time do not lecture and correct as much. Think about forming a relationship with your child that is more than just getting through the day. Work on talking about feelings and experiences and try and get to know your child as a person.

Parenting effective communication

Effective communication is vital in good parenting. Very often we talk to your children, but our minds are a 100 miles away. We are busy and rushed with a million things to do.

If you would like your child to connect with you more, it is important that he/she feels that you are present with him/her in the moment.

Ask yourself: the last time your child approached you for a chat, were you busy with something else at the time?
Cooking
Cleaning
Reading emails
Watching TV
Talking on the phone
Doing homework
Fixing a light bulb

If you answered yes to one or more of these, then make a conscious effort next time to focus. Put whatever you are doing down and concentrate on what is being said to you.

If you are doing something that cannot wait, like talking to a doctor, then assure your child you will be available to talk soon.

Parents often complain to me that their children do not speak to them. Looking closer it become apparent that there is no space to chat because you are busy all the time. Sometimes planning and doing chores at a different time does wonder because then there are breaks when there is time to connect.

Watch your child come chat to you more and more as he/she feels you are focused on him/her.

As your communication in your parenting becomes more effective, observe how it improves the relationship you have with your child overall. It is quite simple really.

Parenting discipline techniques

One of the most successful parenting techniques is the use of consequences.However, consequences only work if they are chosen carefully and fit the “crime”. Random consequences have no impact on changing behaviour long term.

There are 4 main categories of consequences:

(a) Removal of Privileges
Privileges include eating in the dining room, sitting with adults, watching TV, having dessert, going to bed late, eating on china crockery.

Illustration

“Jane, if you want to watch TV with us, you need to be quiet. If you are not quiet from now, in 3 minutes you will need to go to the kitchen and play there.”

(b) Removal of Possessions
Only remove a possession if it is interfering with your child doing a job.

Illustration
“Fred, I see you are not focusing on homework because you are playing with your Nintendo. I am going to take it and hold on to it until you have finished your homework.”

(c) Removal from a Situation: “Time Out”

When a child becomes overwhelmed by stimuli, she needs to be sent to a different environment so that the effect of the stimuli diminishes.

Illustration

“Juliet, you are running around the house and you need to settle down before bedtime. I want you to go to your room and calm down and then you can come back and join us.”

(d) Addition of Work
When a child does not do a chore, give her the original job plus an additional one to complete.

“Tamara, you were supposed to take out the garbage last night and now we missed the weekly collection. This week, you will not only take out the garbage but you will do my job as well which is hosing down the bins after collection.”

Try these parenting discipline techniques and see how effective they are.

Parenting baby

Parenting your baby can and should be a highly personal experience.

This is a question I received from Margi:
Is it terrible that our 1-year- old son Jacob is still in our bed? I actually enjoy it.

This is my answer:
Margi, there really is no right or wrong here. If you love sharing a bed and Jacob loves it, the situation is working for you. From my experience, I do not think you would be able to separate even if I suggested it. When you are ready, you will find the energy to put Jacob in his cot. However, if at that time you find him testy, that will be the time for me to suggest strategies.

Readiness and necessity are the pre-requisites to change and I can hear that you are not ready nor is it necessary. That is OK, enjoy Jacob!

Margi is following her intuition in parenting her baby. Jacob will benefit from this.

Parenting approaches

Punishment has been utilised by parents in raising children for generations. Since the 1970′s, there have been different parenting approaches punishment.

At one end of the spectrum is the belief that punishment is a necessary part of bringing up children. At the other end of the spectrum is the view that punishment is old fashioned and Biblical and should be outlawed.

In my opinion, all types of punishment should only be used rarely and under specific conditions. Punishment should only be utilised as a last resort when all other means of gaining cooperation have been exhausted.

Punishment can be viewed like chemotherapy which is a necessary medicine when a person has cancer. However, it is harmful when taken in the absence of cancer. Chemotherapy is the most drastic and unpleasant type of treatment.

Similarly, if you believe there is no other “cure” for your child’s misbehaviour, then punish by all means. However, since it is a drastic step, keep looking for more pleasant ways of gaining cooperation.

Have you taken the time to investigate more pleasant ways of working with your child? Have you ever thought about how drastic punishment is? I encourage you to research differing parenting approaches.

Parenting without conflict

Parenting without conflict can be a real challenge. Sometimes your child may be silent in response to your questions or demands. This can be very frustrating and may cause you to scream louder to get a response.

Rather than interpreting this to mean that he is being insolent or oppositional, try and view it as your child feeling overwhelmed and cornered.

Rather than trying to force him to speak, it is preferable to try and break the ice with him. You can do this by saying a kind word, being positive or ignoring the unresponsiveness.

Say kindly, “I can see you feel cornered. Lets leave this for now. Perhaps we can talk about it tomorrow.” This way you break the negative feedback loop and you leave with your self- respect.

Your child wants to have a good relationship with you. If he is quiet, yelling at him or trying to force him to speak makes a horrible situation. Leave the subject alone for today and focus on being kind. This will good for the relationship in the long run.

Know that conflict will not help your cause. Parenting without conflict will maximise your chances of solving problems with your child.

Parenting with love and logic

Parenting with love and logic is optimal.

When a child misbehaves frequently, it is often an indication that he is trying to get your attention. Every time you punish him, therefore, he is receiving negative attention which actually reinforces the misbehaviour further. Rather than punishing, parent with love and logic.

Should you feel that your child’s frequent misbehaviour is a call for attention, attempt to give him attention in a positive manner.

Here are some tips to give positive feedback to your child, even when he is at his worst. In fact it is frequently when our children are their most unlovable that they need the most love.

Buy a small notebook. Every day write down 3 things you noticed your child did right. They do not have to be major victories. Small things like: He flushed the toilet, she sat at the table for 2 minutes,, he ate some breakfast. This will help you start looking for the good.
Every night, tuck your child in. Even older children enjoy a chat at the end of the day at the bedside.
When you chat at night, take out your book and read the 3 things you wrote down. Read it in a loving, pleased way.
Go out of your way to be affectionate. If your child does not want to be hugged, squeeze his hand. Talk warmly. Sit close by.
Focus on character and not performance or success. If your child starts doing homework and then stops, say “I noticed you are putting in effort to do your homework. That shows diligence.” (rather than, “why can’t you ever finish your homework”).

The more you see good in your child, the more he will live up to it. The more your parenting consists of love and logic, the more loving you will feel and your home overall will feel more positive.

Parenting with grace

Parenting can be done with grace or while out of control.

Frequently a parent punishes his child severely for a “crime” that on another occasion would have received a mild reprimand. The difference in severity correlates directly with the mood of the parent.

For instance, you may be in a good mood when your child disturbs your TV show. So you lightheartedly ask her to move away. However, if you are in a foul mood you may scream, name call and even smack her for disturbing your show.

Clearly, when you punish because you are in a foul mood, it has little to do with your child’s behaviour and certainly is not aimed at helping her behave better. It has become all about you letting off steam.

Therefore, if you are about to administer a severe punishment to your child, ask yourself the following questions:

a)Am I feeling tired/angry/distressed/frustrated/stressed etc. independently of my child’s behaviour?

b)Could I be using this punishment as a safety valve for my own emotions?

c)Would I be administering this same punishment if I had just won a lottery?

d)Is it fair to punish my child just because I am in a foul mood?

Punishment is meant to help your child behave better. It should be used rarely and with discretion.

More importantly you will have more self respect when parenting with grace.

Parenting wisely

Frequent punishment can become a trap for you – the punisher. When you punish every day, you become trapped in one way of correcting behaviour, often with poor results. Get off the punishment treadmill and do your parenting wisely.

Instead of the punishment improving behaviour, it can cause your child to develop a deep resentment towards you.

Therefore, be a wise parent and stop punishing. Look for positive alternatives.

There are many positive alternatives such as thinking about your child and what makes him tick. Be mindful of his thoughts and feelings. Try and get through to him in different ways like communicating openly or doing things together.

Examine you own behaviour and see in which ways you are contributing to the problem. Sometimes just changing your behaviour changes the whole dynamic.

Read books on motivation. Then try and motivate your child to act in the way you want.

Seek professional help if necessary. At all times aim for a win/win. You want to help your child behave better, not win the battle. You want to inspire your child to be better which will build his self esteem rather than punish him continually which will lower his self esteem.

Give yourself credit for reading this and wanting to break a bad habit. Once you start making changes, your ability to carry out your parenting wisely will be greatly enhanced.

Parenting verbal communication

Good verbal communication assists parenting. However, sometimes when we are busy, we do not realise how we are coming across to our children. We think we are inviting conversation but, in fact, we are pushing our children away with a negative tone or attitude.

What was the tone of your voice during the last conversation you had with your child?

Angry
Loud
Impatient
Hostile
Intimidating
Irritated
Calm
Happy
Loving
Warm
Inviting

Did you lecture, moralise, try and prove your point when he told his story? Did you side with the other person he is talking about?

These are all communication roadblocks and will push your child away. He may withdraw and never want to try again.

Illustration

Johnny comes home and tells you his friend at school was mean to him. Do you jump in straight away, yelling “You will have no friends if you keep fighting with everybody. And knowing you, you probably started. From now on I suggest you let your friend go first every time!!”

Can you see how Johnny would feel betrayed, misunderstood and judged? Why would he want to let you in again.

From now on listen, be empathic and supportive. Give him the space to work out his own difficulties in a supportive environment. You want him to come to you. You want to be his prime support. So just do it.

Work on improving your verbal communication in your parenting. The rewards will be enormous.

Parenting use physical punishment

Even today, countless parents tell me that they use physical punishment in their parenting. Many parents resort to smacking because they simply know of no other method of punishing their child for poor behaviour. Are you one of those parents? If so, please visit my website for heaps of advice on loving, fun ways of gaining cooperation.

Maybe you utilise smacking because it is a “quick fix”. You do not have to investigate other methods. You do not have to change in any way. You can just impulsively, on the spot lash out.

This is not good parenting. A good parent is an effective educator, educating your child how to live in the world. Teaching life skills, social and emotional skills. Smacking teaches nothing.

An effective parent is one who role models successful behaviour to their child. Research shows that things like being calm in life, being flexible, able to resolve conflict and happy are major predictors of happiness.

Staying stuck in the smacking mould means you are none of these.

Even if you believe smacking is effective, it should not be your sole weapon. In fact, it should be rarely used. As a loving parent, you should stop using physical punishment in your parenting It is incumbent on you to learn other forms of effective punishment.

What do you know about positive reinforcement? What have you tried in the past that has worked?

This week is Children’s Week in Australia. Children’s week is an annual event celebrated during the fourth week in October.

In 1996, it was decided to adopt a permanent theme: “A Caring World Shares” as a reflection of  the aims of this week.

Children’s Week celebrates the right of children to enjoy childhood. It is also a time for children to demonstrate their talents, skills and abilities.

Thousands of children and their families around the country will be involved in activities and events this week  through the participation of schools, playgroups, childcare, kindergartens, cultural groups, libraries, departments and community groups.

This week should be a reminder to society to have  a greater response to the plight of many millions of children around the world who are denied the basic necessities of a happy childhood and the education to develop their capacities.

It should also call us in Australia to consider those conditions in society which affect the lives and future of our own children.

Will you be involved in this worthwhile cause this week?

Will your child?

Parenting unruly children

It can be very difficult to parent unruly children. It is very common for children to run around wildly at various times such as before bed, when friends are around or when you have visitors.

One of the reasons is that your has become overstimulated. When a child becomes overwhelmed by stimuli, internal and/or external, he needs to be sent to a different environment so that the effect of the stimuli diminishes.

This is the true meaning of the term “time out”. Time out is not a punishment. It is a natural consequence of over stimulation and is the method to fix a problem.

Teach your child that time out is a benefit for them. Teach your child to use time out himself. Educate him to be aware of when he is being over stimulated. Time out is more effective when you both see it as something to benefit the child.

Illustration

“Tim, you are running around like there is no tomorrow. I do not think it is good for you. I want you to go to your room and calm down and then you can come back and join us.”

Illustration

“Joanna, you are shouting and jumping up and down too much at this party. It is time to calm down. Put your head in down in your arms on the table and breathe deeply. No one will notice and you will feel better.’

Warning: Do not send your child for “time out” for longer than a few minutes. Do not send your child away as a rejection.

Time out works well for adults too, not just for parenting unruly children. When you feel you are losing it, use it.

Parenting under stress

It can be difficult if you are parenting under stress. When you are angry, you tend to punish more harshly than usual. These tools will help you calm down and see things in a more rational and kinder manner.

(a) When your child misbehaves, remind yourself that she is a normal child with imperfections. Think, “She is no different from all 5 year olds”.

(b) When your child’s behaviour is getting you down, remind yourself of the next break. Think, “It is now 5pm. By 7pm he will be sleeping”.

(c)Before punishing, ask yourself if you would proceed to do what you are about to do if his teacher was in the room. If no, then probably the punishment was too harsh.

(d)Think of your child’s behaviour in terms of a future perspective. Ask yourself, “When she is thirty years old, will I laugh about this?” If yes, then maybe you are taking it too seriously now.

(e) Remind yourself that there are many different ways of dealing with a child’s misbehaviour. Allow yourself to creatively work with many different options until you can find one that works.

Try and relieve your stress when parenting. Remember that not every incidence is a train smash. From now on try and see things differently as suggested here.

Kids thrive when parents are authentic

Parents often ask me who should be the disciplinarian with their child. My response is that it should be a fluid situation where each parent disciplines (in his/her own way) when alone with the child.

For instance, it is unhelpful when only daddy disciplines but is away all day at work. Or, if mummy always makes the rules but daddy does not enforce them when she is not there. (the terms mummy and daddy are used for simplicity. However, this advice pertains to all couples no matter their gender.)

When an issue arises and both parents are around, there are several options. In some couples, one partner naturally takes the leadership role, and the other partner is happy to take a back seat. Sometimes the issue determines who will take the lead in disciplining, as the issue may be evocative for one partner but not for the other. The mood, health, energy level of each partner will also play a role.

A flexible situation makes it easy for each parent because each one can act in ways that are authentic for them.

When you act authentically, your child will receive a clear consistent message of what to expect from each parent.It alos prevents conflict because one partner is not expeting the other to be like him but is allowing her to be herself and vice versa. It builds respect between partners as you validate what is important for each other.

Do you authentically? Do you expect your partner to do things like you do? Do you put down issues that are important to your partner?

Parenting solutions

Most parents find it a struggle to get their toddlers to sit at a table and eat. However, parenting solutions exist. One solution is to give natural consequences.

Sitting at a table with adults is a privilege. If your child will not sit still, then removing the privilege is a natural consequence flowing from it.

Illustration

Jim will not sit still in his seat at dinner time when grandpa is visiting. You tell him: “Jim, if you want to sit at the table with all of us you need to sit still. If you do not sit still from now, in 3 minutes you will need to go to the kitchen and eat there.”

At any time, Jim can come back to the table if he commits to sitting still.

Removal of privileges is the most common form of consequence. Other privileges include eating in the dining room, sitting with adults, watching TV, having dessert, going to bed late, eating on china crockery, bathing with a friend etc.

If your child is not sitting still because he is playing with a toy or game, it is acceptable to remove that toy for the duration of the meal. Once the meal is over, you should give it back to him.

Illustration

“Jim, granddad is here for dinner and we are having quality time as a family. As your game is making a huge noise and we cannot hear ourselves talk, I am going to take it away until dinner is over. I would like you to join in the discussion too.”

When consequence “fit the crime”, they are excellent parenting solutions to a range of day to day issues. Natural consequences teach your child that certain behaviours naturally lead to certain consequences.

Apply natural consequences and see their long lasting effect.

Did you know that often fathers are often jealous of the relationship their children have with their mother?

Although it is common, if you are a jealous father,  know that it is not helpful for your child’s emotional well being. Here is some advice for dad’s that will help a child feel secure and have good self esteem.

• A father should encourage his child to love her mother and endeavour not to interfere with or spoil the relationship in any way.
• A father should also allow the mother of his child to form a strong relationship and should not feel jealous of the time the mother spends with the child.

If you feel that the mother of your child spends too much time with her, and your child seems spoilt, do not try and counteract this by spending less time with her. Rather discuss your concern with your partner (or ex-partner) and attempt to remedy the situation together. When you look for a remedy, bear in mind that you should not ruin either your relationship, or the mother’s relationship with your child, in the process.

The mother of a child requires the father’s support.

(If the father is the main caregiver, the reverse applies.)

This includes emotional and financial support as well as practical assistance. The more a father can give this support, the better care a mother can give their child  and the more the child will benefit emotionally.

Fathers living away from their children often have a need to punish their ex-partner and they do so by withholding support and help. If you have done this in the past, bear in mind that your children have borne the brunt of this “punishment” as much as their mother. It is in your children’s interest that you stop punishing and you assist their mother, thereby assisting them.

Children with a happy mother thrive.

Do you contribute to the mother of your children’s happiness?

Parenting smacking

Smacking is a common method used in parenting when children are challenging.. Sometimes you are so used to smacking you think there are no other punishments. This is a common parenting mistake.

There are many different types of effective punishments. Anything that “hurts” or is bitter qualifies as a punishment. Punishments do not have to be complicated or complex.

In positive parenting, we always  aim to use  softer, simpler methods and keep the “big guns” for major behavioural breaches. Here are some positive  parenting techniques that will get you results with love and logic.

1.Withholding Praise.

All human beings derive endless pleasure from praise Conversely, withholding praise causes pain and as such is a very effective form of punishment.. Your child in particular craves praise and approval from you and will her whole life. Therefore, focus on  being positive.

Every time she finishes a ballet class, for example, say something like : “you really tried hard today” or “your points were extra straight today”. Then the week that she misbehaves, you say nothing. Yes, I said say nothing. No reprimand, no lecture, just a relaxed silence. She will feel the “sting” and will try harder next time for the recognition.

2.Making a Comment

Having a behaviour pointed out will cause a child pain and thus serve as an effective punishment. A comment should be delivered in good spirit and without anger. “I noticed you seemed not to focus today” A silent comment such as a pointed glance can be very effective too.

3. Reprimanding

A reprimand is a criticism of your child’s behaviour. Just like adults, children find criticism hard to take.Here are some tips on how to reprimand:

• Criticism should be kept to a minimum.

• The reprimand must be gentle.

• Avoid shaming.

• Do not rebuke in public.

• Be loving throughout the rebuke, conveying deep feelings of concern by your words and facial expressions.

These positive parenting techniques will not only lead to parenting success but you will feel better about yourself as a parent.

Parenting rules consequences.

It is a common parenting mistake for parents to hand out punishment randomly and to expect it to improve their  child’s behaviour.

If you need help in handing out effective punishments, the way to do it is to hand out appropriate consequences. Here are some helpful rules to follow.

(a) Consequences given should be fair, realistic and not harmful. Provocative or terrifying threats leave a child feeling insecure and afraid. Never threaten:  “I am going to send you off to boarding school if you keep doing this” or I am going to lock you in the garage.” You want to parent with love and limits.

(b) Consequences should fit the “crime” as closely as possible. Random or excessive consequences and rules do not teach better behaviour, they merely assuage the parent’s anger.

Here are some parenting tips for suitable consequences:

Crime Punishment/Consequence
Insult a sibling/ Appease the sibling, ask forgiveness
Making a mess/ Clean it up
Gossiping /Not talking for some time
Damage a friend’s toy/ Give a toy to that friend

With older children it is helpful to discuss with them what they feel is a fitting punishment.When they choose the consequence, they are more likely to carry it out.

(c)It is vital to ensure that you see the consequence through.Otherwise your child will not take  future threats seriously.

(d)Once a child has been punished, view him as having “served his time”. No further strictness is necessary or helpful. .

Even if a child does not show it, he feels miserable after a punishment. It is thus healing to show love soon after the punishment. This is not an apology but an attempt to reassure the child you still love and care about him. Simply touching your child or hugging him can be a huge relief for your child.

Your consequences will  be effective if you take  these rules into consideration.

Parenting rude behaviour

Parenting rude behaviour is a major parenting challenge.
A common parenting mistake is to ignore the behaviour. However, when your child is rude, the best thing to do is to correct your child’s behaviour.

Positive parenting means that when you correct behaviour, your aim should not be to crush your child but to give him the opportunity to retreat with dignity.

Therefore, correct in a way that gives your child leverage by offering a choice or showing him how to rectify the situation.

“John, I do not like the way you are speaking to me. Rewind and start again”

Should the misbehaviour persist, then you must take action and/or make the child aware that his negative behaviour will result in a negative consequence.

Depending on the situation, you can use one or more of the following steps:

Step 1 You express your feelings strongly
Step 2 You state your expectations
Step 3 You show your child how to make amends
Step 4 You give your child a choice
Step 5 You take action
Step 6 You teach consequences

Illustration of the steps:

Step 1: “John I do not like it when you shout at me and call me names”
Step 2: “I expect you to speak respectfully to me even if you disagree”
Step 3: “ I would like you to breathe deeply, and say what you were saying in a respectful way”
Step 4: “You obviously cannot do it now. So either you write me a note apologising or you come back later and try again”
Step 5: “I have waited for 24 hours for you to make amends. Since you have not, I have decided to exclude you from the family discussion as I am not sure you will be respectful. At any time before then if you make amends, you can join”.

When you do this, you are parenting by design. You are parenting with love and boundaries and your child is learning how to behave better and not be rude.

Three quarters of lifetime psychiatric disorders will emerge in adolescence or early adulthood . The National Comorbidity Survey Replication recently reported that more than 22% of adolescents aged 13 to 18 yrs had already experienced a clinically significant mental health problem, with ages of onset ranging from 6 yrs for anxiety disorders, to 13 years for mood disorders.

Some research has been done looking at associations between diet quality and emotional and behavioural problems  and depression in adolescents. A study recently completed by Felicia N. Jacka et al highlights the importance of diet in adolescence and its potential role in modifying mental health over the life course.

Given that adequate nutrition is essential during periods of rapid physical development, and that the majority of mental health problems first manifest in adolescence and early adulthood, intervention studies are now urgently required to test the effectiveness of preventing the common mental disorders through dietary modification.

Moreover, the foods available and provided to adolescents need to be receiving much greater attention. Particular attention should now be paid to creating environments that promote healthy eating.  Ultimately it is up to parents and schools to support adolescents to maintain good nutrition during a difficult life stage.

Parents may need to improve their knowledge of healthy eating. They may also need to learn how to engage their teenage children so that they will eat for their benefit.

How involved are you with your teenagers and their meals?

Parenting advice: After separation, prioritise your child

After a separation, the well-being of your child should be paramount and should motivate both of you to work together as a team rather than be in conflict.Conflict can lead children to feel insecure.

Here is some parenting advice to assist you to avoid conflict after separation.

• Try and find a solution that is best suited to the personality of your  child and the personality of the person who has to see the solution through.
• Respect each other’s differences and attempt to work together to harness your strengths in order to benefit your child.

How this works in action.

Mary and John have separated and share the parenting responsibilities. Mary tends to be fairly strict and likes homework to be done as soon as Mark gets home from school. John is more laid back and does not check up if there is homework to do so Mark often neglects it.

Mary and John used to fight about who is the better parent and whose style is superior. This did not help Mark who felt insecure and neglected school work.

When they consulted with me, I focused them on Mark. Who is Mark? He is a child who is happy to neglect homework. What is best for him? To complete his homework every day.

What is the most practical? Mary could enforce it as soon as Mark comes home from school. John can enforce it any time before bedtime.
In this way, John does not have to be exactly like Mary. However, for Mark’s sake, John needs to make sure homework is done.

Forget power struggles after separation. Aim to resolve your conflict and to work together as a team to help your child feel he is in a circle of security.

Parenting responsibility

In my opinion, it is a parenting responsibility to teach your children how to share.  A major parenting mistake is that parents  force their children to share but this does  not help them learn the skill of sharing.

Another parenting error is  telling children to work it out for themselves. Parenting with love and logic means that you actively teach your children how to share..

Here is some parenting advice on how you do it:

It will help your family if you have 3 “tiers” of objects in your home.

• Tier one is where each child has possessions that belong only to her. Special gifts, or equipment that are clearly for her benefit and use. Your child can be taught that sharing is important and there are times the right thing to do is to share. However, it is up to her and you cannot force her.

• Tier 2 are games and toys and equipment that belong to all the siblings in the house. Games that were bought for the family or clearly are for everyone’s benefit. Things like a computer, computer games, hammock which the family may decide are to be shared amongst each other but not with outsiders like neighbours or cousins. Siblings need to learn strategies to share these so conflict is minimal.

• Tier 3 are those things that are for everybody. Your child needs to know that the toys in the toy box are for everybody to use  and neighbours and visitors get priority.

What you will find is that your children share much more when there are these 3 tiers. This is  because  they know what the parameters are and they feel secure that their precious items cannot be pried away from them.

When you apply this advice, you will overcome the parenting challenge of teaching children to share.

The Q&A on ABC television last night was especially exciting. The panel consisted of several overseas speakers who are in Australia to present their “dangerous”  ideas.

The first question was : This question is related to sexuality. More and more people are openly embracing other forms of sexuality that are previously considered taboo e.g. “polyamory”. What is the panel’s opinion of openly embracing these other forms of sexuality as an avenue of releasing previously suppressed sexual energy hence improving the overall well-being of our society?

This question led to a full spectrum of answers but the most outspoken was Mona Eltway who had no problem with multiple partners in concept. Her issue was the fact that society is sexist because it sanctions multiple partners for men and not women.

Mona believes that the underlying belief is that men have a much higher libido than women and therefore the need for multiple partners can be understood. She trashed that idea saying that in her opinion, women have the same or higher sex drive than men and therefore could also benefit from multiple partners.

What are you views on polygamy and androgyny?

Do you  think  it has anything to do with sexism? Or high libido?

Parenting punishment

Parenting and punishment seem to go together for many parents. If you are one of those, once you have decided that your child’s misbehaviour has to be addressed with punishment, it is essential that you bear the following five principles in mind:

1. Relate fairly and honestly. Do not punish more than once for the same “crime”. Make sure you are not angry and acting out of vengeance.

2. Have your child’s feelings and welfare at heart both when you decide on a punishment and when you carry it out. Remember that you are your child’s caretaker and the only reason to punish is to help her to behave better.

3. Allow your child to retain his dignity. Be careful not to shame or embarrass your child. No name calling. No reminders of previous mistakes.

4. Punish only on rare occasions. Punishment should be a last resort. Think about other ways of gaining cooperation and try to apply them. Only when you are certain there is no other way, punish keeping these principles in mind.

5. Do not punish in anger. It is preferable to to calm down and wait than to punish on the spot. Most punishments can wait. Effective punishments can only happen when you have thought them through and carried them out with calm.

Even if parenting and punishment go together in your mind, you can still apply it fairly and with principles. If you keep these principles in mind, your child will take the punishment in good spirit and it will be effective.

Parenting mistakes are common.

One of the biggest parenting mistakes is to punish a child without thoroughly investigating whether or not the child is actually the guilty party.

It is essential that you only punish a guilty child. You see, when a child has committed an offense, she will see punishment as just and will generally take it in good faith. However, if she has not committed an offense, she will feel hateful and resentful that she was given a punishment wrongfully.

Therefore, you must be certain that your child is the culprit before punishing her. This is a major parenting challenge. Suspicion or reports from siblings do not comprise reliable proof. Just because Jane says that Tom hit her, does not mean it happened that way. Take some time to check it out. If you cannot clarify what happened, rather leave it that punish wrongfully.

If somebody makes a complaint, always check it out first before rushing in with punishment. For example, if the mother of your child’s classmate calls and tells you that Tom pushed her son, do not immediately punish Tom. Get his version of the story, visit the school, do due diligence before punishing.

Simply put, unless you are convinced that your child is the guilty party, it is preferable to withhold punishment rather than to punish in error.

Do not make these parenting mistakes. From now on always check out the details. Your child will love you for it.

Strategies to help your child feel safe

Would you like you child to
feel secure,
feel safe,
have direction,
be agreeable,
function as part of a team?

Parenting together with your partner, goes a long way towards achieving these goals.

When two parents work as a team, with the welfare of their child at the forefront of their minds, their child feels secure and contained.

As a result of feeling secure, your child will behave in a responsible and socially acceptable manner. Moreover, he will not need to act up in any way because much of a child’s need to act up is related to his search for attention, recognition, security, bondedness.

Work together is necessary even after a separation or divorce.Just because parents cannot live together should not mean that their offspring should have to make do with only one parent.Children require a great deal of input from both parents for many years.

There are four main areas of input from both parents that are vital to the emotional well-being of a child:

1. The relationship between parent X and his child (could be father).
2. The relationship between parent Y and her child (could be mother).
3.The relationship between parent X and parent Y as parents.
4.The relationship between Parent X and parent Y as a couple.

Meaningful relationships on all these levels are hugely beneficial to children’s mental health.

Are you investing in these connections? Where do you think you should put your effort moving forward?

Parenting methods

Parenting methods can differ from household to household. Some parents punish without thinking and others avoid punishment at all costs.

Before punishing your child, you need to consider whether or not he misbehaved on purpose. In other words, you should weigh up whether your child understood that his actions were wrong but nevertheless went ahead.

For instance, when a two year old draws on a wall, he has no idea that what he is doing is wrong. He is having fun. Therefore, it is preferable to educate him not to draw on walls. Punishment would be unfair.

However, if you have taught your child not to draw on walls, and at age six he does it knowing that it is unacceptable, then punishment is called for.

This can be likened to what happens in a court of law. The judge decides a sentence based on whether or not the judge believes the criminal had malicious intent. The judge takes into account if the criminal was of sound mind or was intellectually impaired. The judge also weighs up whether the act was an accident or maliciously intended.

Similarly, these factors need to be taken into account before you execute judgement. Was your child too young or immature to realise what his actions meant? Was his behaviour accidental or did he plan it and carry it out with malicious intent.

Only if you are convinced it was the latter should you punish.

Observe your parenting methods and evaluate their effectiveness.

I have observed a strange phenomenon in my work. It is adults embarrassment at talking about their sex lives in a session.

Talking about it is appropriate when a marriage is in trouble and one  or both partners are dissatisfied with their sexual activity.Yet suddenly these adults are coy. What is that?

We live in generation where sex is everywhere -on bus shelters, the web, books, magazines, TV – everywhere. People share their deepest secrets on reality TV but face to face in therapy it becomes embarrassing.

My  theory is that it is one thing to talk about sex objectively but something very different to talk about one’s deepest feelings in front of a third party.

But even if I was not there it would be hard because it is intimate conversation. It involves sharing one’s deepest needs, desires and fantasies with another who we will be there tomorrow.

Having a successful sexual relationships is an important part of a long term relationship. It involves sharing and disclosure to move forward.

If you cannot share in a constructive way it is well worth meeting with a relationships counselor who can help you. A bit of embarrassment  may lead to a  lifetime of personal happiness.

Has your embarrassment stopped you from sorting things out with your partner?

It is extremely difficult to be a step-parent. Frequently, you want to correct the behaviour of your partner’s child but you do not want to overstep a boundary.

Also, if you do discipline your step-child, he/she often will not respond positively, will get angry and complain to your partner about you. Your partner may resent your “interference” and would like you to stay out of the picture when it comes to his child’s behaviour.

There are solutions but they need to be discussed together and agreed upon. Both of you need to be on the same page for it to work. 

There are 2 possible options.  The first is that you both agree not to discipline each other’s children. You respect each other’s right to work with your children in your own style. However, if you are attacked or interfered with, your partner must agree to stand up for you and to correct his child’s behaviour.

The other option is that you agree to both parent both sets of kids. The younger the children, the easier it is to action this. (With teenagers it is almost impossible). With time, the children will accept the situation because they can sense and see that you both are clear about this option.

Children are flexible and will respond to clear direction. Therefore, decide what will work best, communicate it clearly, carry it out consistently and watch the children comply.

Did you know that less than 50% of teenagers read one novel a month outside of school?

An online survey of over 18000 students between the ages of 8 and 17 was done in December 2010 and the results have just been released. The survey was done in the UK by The National Literacy Trust who reported these worrying numbers.

I have no doubt that the figures are similar in Australia and other Western nations. It is worrying because reading is an essential activity that stimulates concentration and fantasy. It enables a teenager to occupy himself in a constructive way and it keeps the mind “oiled” for studying.

As a parent it can be terribly difficult to motivate a teenager to read. It helps if you read regularly yourself and your teenager observes you reading.

It may also be useful if you make regular visits to the library together and find books that have been made into movies. You can watch the movie and read the book and then discuss the differences.

Have books of all types lying around your house. Comic books, joke books even magazines are acceptable – the important thing is that your teenager is reading.

Do not despair. If you create a culture in your home where reading is valued, there is a huge possibility that sooner or later your teenager will be inspired to read too.