Renee Mill Blog

A common problem parents of young children how to reconcile their responsibilities as a parent with their behaviour and goals as an individual. I am frequently asked:

• Is it bad for people to swear in front of my child?
• Is it normal to feel bored by the routine of parenthood?
• What methods can I use to ensure my child listens?
• Should a mother work?

While each of these questions pertain to a different behaviour, they all concern parents who are questioning their role as a parent and the examples they set. You may be one of this group. Do not despair. You are not alone and there are solutions. You can read my answers to these questions in the Feb/March issue of Tribe Magazine out now.

There is a forum where I am now available to address your concerns. It is Tribe Magazine, a free publication for parents, where I  answer the questions relating to parenting and relationships. Please visit the site to pose questions and comments or email them to admin@tribemagazine.com.au. Looking forward to hearing from you.

I am regularly called upon by various journalists and producers to offer my professional opinion on various hot media topics. When I do so, I approach them by drawing on my experience and knowledge that I continue to build on via my practice and ongoing research on parenting, family and relationships.

Yesterday, I was asked by Cheryl Critchley, news journalist and parenting columnist at the Herald Sun for my thoughts on Suri Cruise, who has been seen in public  in the past few days wearing red lipstick and with an $850 handbag and on other occasions wearing heels.  Cheryl asked me whether I think a girl Suri’s age should be wearing heels in public and lipstick. She also asked me what sort of message I think this sends, and whether it will encourage ordinary mums to “tart up” their three and four year olds.

You can read Cheryl’s full article in the Herald Sun here.

Here are my thoughts on this subject:

1. Whether a bag is designer or not is not an issue. Millionaire parents will buy their children expensive, designer clothes, bags, cars etc and those who don’t just need to accept it.  The issue is whether it is appropriate for her to dress like an adult and in particular a sexualised adult.
2. Most girls like bags and a bag is not necessarily sexy, so I do not think the bag is an issue on its own.
3. Red lipstick on the other hand has a connotation of sexy, provocative. Some grown women would not wear it because it smacks of sluttish or a come on. I think the lipstick is a problem because Suri is not being educated about what is appropriate, what their family thinks about sexuality, modesty, femininity etc.
4. Clothes have an effect on us, it is an “outside in” influence. For example, when we put on an evening gown we feel beautiful; when we put on a corporate black suit we  feel business-like; and when we wear jeans we put our leg over the arm chair. Wearing sexy clothes, red lipstick should create a sexy feeling at an appropriate time, so there is every chance Suri is not learning when it would be appropriate and it may spoil it for her later.
5. Interesting note: I recently read some research that hypothesises that the reason girls are menstruating earlier is because they are wearing sexualised clothing and it brings on hormones early.
6. Dress ups at home are cute  and appropriate. Dressing up for parties and Halloween is appropriate. Dressing up like mummy every day is a problem. How the heck will Suri learn about social norms? When can she be a messy little girl?
7. When I saw a picture of Suri in heels I did not think they were sexy. I discouraged my daughters from wearing heels because of their posture. However, in the overall scheme of  dressing up and combined with the lipstick and bag, by giving Suri an adult, sexy woman-of- the-world look is not going to give her an opportunity to grow into her feminine side.

Do you have any thoughts on this subject? I would love to hear them.

State that you have removed a post that cited the authors of NurtureShock as being pro smacking. On closer review, I accept that the authors are not pro-smacking and their book in no way condones it. I have extended my apologies for this professional oversight and have learned from this mistake and in future will evaluate sources in greater depth before commenting on them.

My clinical opinion based on my own experience as a practitioner stands and I will shortly expand on the following points in an eBook that will be available in the coming weeks:

1. Smacking can be effective when used with discretion and appropriately but  can be harmful  if used indiscriminately, hurtfully, frequently and in anger.
2. Smacking is a  last resort and needs to be done in specfic and rare circumstances
3. Smacking is one form of punishment and learning about other forms can ameliorate the need to smack.

Today many parents have to work and find child-care excessively expensive. Consequently, many children are being taken care of by their grandparents for many hours a week. Problems arise when parents and grandparents have differing expectations and child-rearing beliefs. I am often asked by grandparents what they should do if they disagree with their children’s choice of food or discipline. At other times, parents turn to me for guidelines of how to get the carer’s compliance.

At 6.30pm EST this afternoon, among other topics, I will be discussing the role of grandparents.  I hope you will join us.You can listen via radio or online. Online listeners click here and then click on the LISTEN LIVE button. I would love to hear from you so feel free to call on-air. The talkback number is (08) 9221 1882.

In the meantime, what do you think? Debate and discussion welcome here.

What a controversy the latest research on smacking  children has sparked. A few weeks on and people are still sharing their viewpoints, for and against.

Howard Sattler, my radio host on 6PR is ready to battle with me on this one.

He says he got a belting when he was young and he thinks it was good for him. He knows my viewpoint is different and that I believe in positive parenting. My experience has shown me that too much smacking lowers self esteem. One good smack on the bottom  for a young child occasionally may be beneficial as it establishes the parent as the authority in the home. Too much smacking or hurting the child in any way is damaging. The research showed that adolescents who  were hurt when young, or who are hit when older,  did poorer at school and behaviourally.

We will be battling it out at 6.30pm EST this Monday.  Hope you will join us.You can listen via radio or online. Online listeners click here and then click on the LISTEN LIVE button.

In the meantime, what do you think? Debate and discussion welcome here.