Renee suggests 7 ways to ease kids into daycare in an article in the body and soul magazine.

Click here to read the article in Body + Soul

It is important that parents can talk frankly about sex. Often parents are worried about the sexual activity of their kids and are not sure if it is appropriate or not.
It’s a minefield that every parent must navigate carefully. However, they do not know what normal sexual behaviour among their children is.
A new book called Is this Normal? Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Behaviour, warns that even some pre-school kids are crossing the line when it comes to sexual behaviour.
Playing “doctor and nurse” is fine. But watch out for “red light” cases that can be a harmful and worrying trend of early sexual behaviour.
Child sex experts say while normal behaviour varies in different age groups, children as young as eight are engaging in oral sex at school and some in childcare are touching themselves in public.
Co-authors Holly Brennan and Judy Graham use a “traffic light” model to indicate to parents and carers if what their children are doing is OK or if they need help.
Red light cases are harmful, orange light cases can be of concern and green lights show sexual behaviours that are normal and age appropriate.
For example, two four-year-olds playing in a cubby house innocently exploring their bodies in a “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” game is classed as a green light case. But if a seven-year-old girl said she saw a 13-year-old boy touching her friend’s private parts that is a red light.
What parents often do not know is that children are sexual beings and have urges. It is our job as parents to be vigilant and protective. Teach your child about personal space and private parts and encourage sharing of information.

Last week I presented the latest research on controlled crying which, on the whole, was positive. However, many other experts do not agree.
1.    A new guide from parenting service Safe Sleep Space, opposes controlled crying and says that taking a gentle, positive approach is more effective than laying down the law.
2.    SA Health guidelines do not support controlled crying, and instead encourage mothers to use attachment techniques.
3.    The Women’s and Children’s Health Network guidelines suggest wrapping, rocking, patting and having a constant background noise.
4.    They also suggest developing a routine early in a child’s life to encourage the development of a sleeping pattern.
5.    Maternal and child health nurse Helen Stevens says that desperate parents whose toddlers refuse to sleep should ditch the tough love approach, because ordering youngsters back to bed, closing the bedroom door and threatening punishment is distressing, unnecessary and counter-productive. Instead, parents should feel free to sit with them so they feel secure. “Parents get a bit desperate with toddlers and take the hard line, but it’s not necessary,” said Ms Stevens, who has helped develop the DVD Safe Sleep Space.
Ms Stevens said her philosophy echoed the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health position, which says it may have “unintended negative consequences”.
“We work with a lot of parents and those who try it, the toddlers got worse, their behaviours more clingy,” she said.
All this information is confusing and the truth is, we still do not know. My view is that several parenting styles could work, there does not have to be one RIGHT way of parenting.
The best way is the way that is comfortable for you as long as it has not been proven damaging or cruel.

Are you in favour of controlled crying? Well, it seems that there is some evidence that it could be helpful and not damaging to babies.
An unpublished study from Flinders University found controlled crying did not increase the stress levels of babies, or lead to any attachment disorders, a year after the controlled sleeping phase.
Lead researcher and senior lecturer in child psychology Dr Michael Gradisar said the Flinders study found decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the saliva of babies that were subject to controlled crying.
“It makes us think that what has happened is that this technique has helped to resolve their sleeping issues,” Dr Gradisar said.
He said it was possible that with the increase in sleep, mum was also less stressed and as a result mother and child began interacting better.
On the first night, parents were to leave a child for just two minutes, a time which increased to a maximum of 15 minutes by night three.
Dr Gradisar said further research was needed in the area to see if the results could be replicated.
Murdoch Children’s Research Centre research found controlled crying was successful with babies more than six months old.
Sleep expert Dr Brian Symon said there was no scientific evidence which showed controlled crying had an adverse impact on the child.
Associate Professor Rosemary Horne, deputy director of The Ritchie Centre at Monash Institute of Medical Research, said controlled crying could be successful in toddlers, but must be done properly.
Not everyone agrees and some experts say it is dangerous and cruel. This underpins the value of ongoing research so that a definitive answer can be obtained. In the meantime, as the jury is still out, it seems that you can continue to utilise controlled crying with your baby if it resonates with you.

How do parents keep their children safe when child pornography is rife?
Australian police are warning of an epidemic in child pornography. They say that paedophiles are increasingly recording themselves abusing children and sharing these images with child sex networks.
Australian Federal Police (AFP) said officers used to find hundreds of photographs on a suspect’s computer but they were now confronting people hoarding hundreds of thousands or even millions of images and videos.
Head of the AFP’s cyber crime unit, Assistant Commissioner Neil Gaughan, said while it did not necessarily reflect an increase in the number of child sex assaults, more were being recorded and uploaded onto the Internet.
The number of Australians arrested by the AFP for child pornography offences in 2011 was 180, compared with 136 the previous year — about a 30 percent rise.
Gaughan said police had enhanced their technical ability to stop child abusers sharing pornographic imagery in recent years.
“We’re not going to (be able to) stop people sexually assaulting their kids, that’s a community issue,” Gaughan said.
“But if we can work with industry to get better tools to stop the dissemination, we can hopefully cut some of the supply.”
The AFP said cooperation with authorities around the world was also important, given that images and videos of child sex were being used as “currency” by offenders to buy their way into transnational paedophile groups.
This adds stress to parenting children. What can you do to protect your child?
1.    Educate your child to get close to only a few people.
2.    Teach your child that nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
3.    Encourage your child to tell you about their feelings and experiences.
4.    Be alert to what your child is doing when and with whom.

Fathers today want to be more involved in raising and caring for their children but pressures from work are pulling them in the other direction.

A new book, Time Bomb: Work, rest and play in Australia today, says half of fathers with young children work more than 45 hours a week, regarded as ”long hours”, compared with 29 per cent of workers overall.
In Time Bomb, authors Barbara Pocock, Natalie Skinner and Philippa Williams note that for working fathers the pressure is getting worse and for those with preschool children, paid work rose by an average 5.7 hours in the decade to 2006.
Professor Pocock said that often, as men’s careers take off in their early 30s, the children start to arrive. Men were experiencing the ”coincidence of a certain moment of their life cycle and career cycle alongside those early years of a child’s life.”
She said changes to the labour market were intensifying that pressure with big growth in professional and managerial employment, and a prevalence of unpaid overtime. A generation ago many more men were in blue-collar work where you could clock off at a regular time.
”What we’re actually seeing is it’s getting tougher for fathers,” she said.
Research points to persistent long hours adding to the risk of mental and physical health issues.
Professor Pocock said that while there had been enormous change to the labour market and industry over the past 30 years, there had not been changes in flexibility to allow workers to have greater control. ”There’s enormous talk around flexibility,” she said. ‘But the talk has run ahead of the reality.”
Do you work long hours? How is it affecting your relationships?

A new book has criticised hands-on parenting techniques. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food, laments her baby girl’s inability to sit up at a dinner table as opposed to the obedient French children who sit upright and silent as they delicately eat their fish and chips.
Druckerman’s book comes hot on the heels of Amy Chua’s Tiger Mama, which recommends ‘‘tough love’’ parenting to get your children into Yale. In contrast to Chua, Druckerman is arguing for a little French nonchalance.
It’s easy to see why this type of book keeps coming and why we keep reading them. Chua and Druckerman offer simple answers to a bafflingly complex problem. Never before has the world been so crowded, so quickly changing, so competitive. And parents are looking for advice as to what is the most effective parenting style.
Druckerman places the blame for her child’s “bad” behaviour firmly on ‘‘attachment parenting’’ – a hands-on style that is very much in vogue in Australia as well as the US.
She says that our proclivity for responding quickly to the needs of our children, praising them to develop self-esteem and eating between meal times is creating a generation of overweight, bad-tempered and undisciplined youngsters, not to mention destroying their mothers’ lives.
Both these books are not scientific studies. They are the personal experience of one mum and her child. In contrast, psychologists, who are researchers, know that for people to develop into empathetic and fully functioning adults, they need to have strong relationships with the people who love them most.
Chua’s solution is relentless hard work, Druckerman’s is to let children figure out it on their own, and that of the helicopter parent is to be there to guide them every step of the way.
My advice is to enjoy reading these books for what they are but do not base your important parenting decisions on anecdotal information.

Barely a day goes by in the media without a piece scoffing at ‘‘helicopter parents’’, child kings and attachment parenting. The argument goes that our desire to be good parents has led to a generation of narcissistic, obese, rude and badly behaved children.
Studies evaluating parenting styles and their results do not confirm this argument. You might find the helicopter-parented child a bit of a whinger, but the worst-behaved children are those who are ignored.
Overwhelming evidence now points to hands-on parenting as a critical reason behind a successful and confident adult life. The OECD recently published a series of studies showing that students whose parents often read books with them in early childhood showed markedly higher scores, irrespective of socio-economic background.
Parenting has evolved into such a hands-on style it is because parents think it will work. However, parents have taken it too far and balance must be sought.
Here are some tips on how to be helicopter parents who are around and aware but not stifling emotional growth:
1.    It is important to be attached and focused on the needs of your child but you also need to give space for autonomy and independence.
2.    There is a difference between a baby crying incessantly at night for comfort and a four year old screaming for a lolly.
3.    Giving your child a voice does not mean in all matters and at all times. Sometimes you have to override that voice in the larger interest. You have the wisdom to know when what your child wants makes sense or is just an infantile demand.
4.    Teaching the ability to delay gratification, have values like sharing, being polite and exhibiting socially acceptable behaviour are all important for your child’s well-being. Attachment and giving everything your child desires are two separate things.

If you want your children to grow up lean, you might want to encourage them to eat with their fingers. Infants given finger foods during weaning gain less weight than those who are spoon-fed purées by parents, a study shows.
Psychologist Dr Ellen Townsend, who led the study, said babies who take control at mealtimes have the best chance of avoiding obesity. Letting them choose what they want to eat from a selection of foods also leads to them preferring a healthier diet.
“Control is the key thing, as well as sitting at the table with family, because it may help babies regulate what they eat in a way that will benefit them in later life,” said Dr Townsend.
Her team looked at 92 children who had been weaned on finger foods – such as fruit cut into strips and bread sticks – and 63 who were spoon-fed between the ages of 20-months and six-years.
They noted preferences for 151 foods broken down into categories including carbohydrates, dairy and ‘whole meals’ such as lasagne.
The results showed no difference in picky eating, but slightly less obesity in the children feeding themselves.
These youngsters also had a “significantly increased liking for carbohydrates”, while those who had been spoon-fed favoured sweet things.
Tam Fry, of the National Obesity Forum, said: “The value of experimentation in early months of nutrition is incalculable and babies won’t willingly starve. If this has the advantage of reducing unhealthy weight gain and avoiding obesity, it’s a win-win for mums.”
I agree. Obesity is an issue for our generation and finding ways of preventing it from the start, will impact mums and bubs positively.

Stranger danger is a fear many parents have. In fact, ONLY 40 per cent of city parents think that it is safe for their primary-school-aged children to go to school on their own.
Research fellow Catherine Underwood, who studied neighbourhood satisfaction for the Australian Council for Educational Research, was surprised at how strong parents’ perceptions of stranger danger were.
”A number … commented that the No.1 rule they instilled in their children was don’t talk to strangers, because you can’t trust anyone you don’t know,” she said. ”I think parents are doing a good job of scaring the daylights out of their kids.”
The study also found that in metropolitan Victoria, 76 per cent of parents with children aged five to 12 agreed stranger danger was the biggest barrier to children’s independent activities in their neighbourhood.
Children worried about strangers ”but not nearly as much as their parents”, Ms Underwood said.
The consequences of this are enormous.  It is a given that parents want to parent safely and to protect their kids at all costs. However, by over estimating the possibility of danger from strangers, parents limit their children opportunities to develop independence.
A huge part of becoming independent is being able to go alone to a neighbour’s house or catch a bus to school. A child learns to navigate directions and learns about timing and road rules and even the weather.
When parents are constantly around and protecting their children, these opportunities are lost. In addition, the children become fearful themselves.
Do you think stranger danger is more prevalent? Or is it being overestimated? And how is that affecting your kids?

Many parents fear stranger danger. What they do not know is that children are more likely to be assaulted by relatives or acquaintances than by strangers. This finding is provided by  Superintendent Kerlatec, the commander of the NSW sex crimes squad.
Despite this reality, 76 per cent of parents surveyed in Victoria considered stranger danger the main barrier to primary school-aged children moving independently around their city neighbourhoods.
Superintendent Kerlatec said the greatest consideration when deciding whether to let children walk or travel alone was ”the maturity of the child both mentally and physically, and what skills they are equipped with”.
”It comes down to the ability of the child to comprehend when something is wrong.”
Detective Superintendent John Kerlatec said education was vital to ensuring they are safe. ”We need to … make sure our children know what to do if they feel uncomfortable, what to do if they feel unsafe … where to go [for help],” he said.
Police recommend that children be taught to seek refuge in police stations, libraries, schools or familiar shops if they feel unsafe, or to approach police, teachers or trusted adults for help. They should not talk to strangers or get into cars with anyone they do not know.
Superintendent Kerlatec said on average around 25 offences are committed against children by strangers each year in NSW, a relatively low incidence. While police take every report seriously, Superintendent Kerlatec said an ”exceptionally low” number turned out to be of concern.
He encouraged parents to be cautious, but said ”95 per cent of assaults on children are perpetrated by people they know or are related to, so that’s of greater concern”.
In other words, the bulk of educating our kids should be about not letting family members or acquaintances come “too close”.

If you are a parent who has an anxious child , be reassured that there is a lot you can do to help your child.

The place to start is with your child’s fears. While your child’s worry may seem general, the research shows that often those fears are specific.

For instance, your child may  fear that when they go to bed, mummy will go out and not return. Your child then insists on sleeping in your bed.

Sit down with your child and talk about these fears. Write these down, and if you like, get your child to give these fears a rating out of ten.

You now can work on that thinking. For instance the child who thinks mummy is going to get hurt when she’s out of sight might be presented with questions such as, “has this happened before?”, or “ how was  mummy when she came home from grandma’s?” While you can provide some evidence that it is unlikely to happen, it’s best if your child is encouraged to come up with their own evidence.

Then you need to get your child used to what they’re afraid of: working, step by step, on the problem. It’s important here to have the right size steps and to gauge your child’s readiness for each step.

For instance, a child who always sleeps in her mother’s bed, can start with a cot next to the bed, then move the cot to the other side of the room, then to the doorway, then the hall, until finally the cot is in the child’s room.”

This exposure in degrees actually works as further evidence (of safety) to the child. The  world did not fall apart and mum is still there after a period of separation.

When you do this slowly, consistently and calmly, your child’s fears will diminish over time.

Try these tested techniques and please send me feedback.

Anxiety is a very common in children. In fact, it may be the most common childhood well-being issue.

Anxiety is found in around one in ten children, affecting  their independence, academic achievements, and general quality of life.

Many parents are not sure if their child suffers from anxiety or not. The best way of knowing whether your child has an anxiety issue that needs attention is by looking at whether it affects the way they are leading their lives

The main criteria for anxiety  are – avoidance and hesitance.

Most specifically long term avoidance, is a big clue. Common things that are avoided are:

• sleeping on one’s own,
• school
• specific triggers like dogs
• social interaction (often described as shyness)
• making mistakes.

As a parent, there is a lot you can do to assist your child. Here are some tips:

1. Show love and care always. However, if  your child can do something on his/her own, it is better to step back and reward courage than be too protective.

2. Identify what your child is afraid of. Get your child to express their fears. Then, logically, perform a reality check. Ask: “What is the factual evidence that this will happen?” This is a concrete check  and holds vague, imaginary fears up against the reality.

3. Always use small steps. Set small achievable goals where you stretch your child’s abilities and independence.

4. Rewards must be given as soon as possible after the child has performed the step. Helpful praise “You were so brave when you turned off the light”  works well. Emotional rewards like hugs and kisses are effective too.

5. Be patient and consistent. It takes dedication,  practice, repitition and time for the best results.

The last blog I wrote about the increase of autism resulted in many parents calling me and asking for more information.

While there is no doubt that the number of children who have been diagnosed with autism has increased, the question  being asked is: is it a new diagnosis or was it missed in previous generations?

One suggestion is that it is the way we measure autism that has changed. As knowledge about autism has advanced, so have the techniques used to measure the prevalence of the condition.

For example, early studies used  small samples and  relatively crude diagnostic tools. In contrast, the modern method of screening whole populations (e.g. states or countries), using improved diagnostic assessments,  is likely to be more sensitive in identifying affected individuals.

Another hypothesis is that certain societal influences make it more likely for an individual to be diagnosed with autism today than in the past.

These influences  include:

• increased awareness and understanding of autism among parents and health professionals

• the formation of specific autism diagnostic teams

• a lessening in the stigma associated with a diagnosis (particularly, the dispelling of the myth that autism is caused by “cold parents”)

• the availability of governmental assistance specific to children with an autism diagnosis.

A third  potential  reason is the increase in the survival of extremely premature infants. While recent findings suggest these infants are at increased risk of autism, research in this area is at too early a stage to make conclusive statements.

In sum, to date there is no single environmental factor we know of that has substantially contributed to the increase in autism diagnoses. However, research is now focusing on how genes and the environment combine to cause this condition.

Hopefully this line of research will provide answers to the “autism epidemic”.

Are you a worried parent? Please share your concerns.

Many parents feel guilty about placing their children in day care. Over the years, there has been an ongoing debate over whether children in day care fare worse than children home full-time with mum.

An Australian National University study was done where more than 5000 toddlers were observed. The findings were worrying to say the least.

Behavioural problems, equivalent to an 11-month developmental delay in children aged two and three who are in childcare for more than 20 hours a week, were noted. Behavioural problems include frustration, moodiness, screaming and the inability to play consistently with one toy.

On the flip-side, however, day care children were also found to be more sociable and outgoing with strangers.

Barbara Romeril, executive director of Community Childcare, said childcare encouraged children to be more assertive and articulate.

In  my opinion, there are many factors that play a role here. Sometimes, a child is in day care because mum and dad work full-time. This means mum and dad are tired at the end of the day and also exhibit frustration, moodiness and stubbornness.

The child may be copying his parents or may be reacting to his parents fatigue. OR it could be the day care experience.

I would love to hear your views on this divisive topic.

The question of whether autism has increased is commonly asked and will always get parent’s attention. The simple answer in terms of numbers is “Yes”.

There has most certainly been a steady rise in the incidence (number of new diagnoses per year) and prevalence (total number of affected individuals in the total population) of autism during the past fifty years .

The finding has been  well-replicated and  observed in every country (including Australia)with an appropriate data source. Currently, the most widely recognised estimate is around one individual with autism in every 100 people (1% of population).

The increase in rate causes alarm in most parents and educators who are still unclear as to the reason for this. Andrew Whitehouse, Associate Professor, Telethon Institute for Child health Research at University of Western Australia believes it is the result of conceptual change.

He says that one of the most important discoveries in autism research over the past two decades has been that the syndrome varies along a spectrum of severity.

The understanding  that children can present with less severe autistic symptoms, which are often difficult to identify at  a young age,  led to the formulation of new  diagnostic categories – Asperger’s Syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), both of which come under the collective banner of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The expansion of diagnostic boundaries has meant that individuals who would previously have been placed under a different “diagnostic banner” are now more likely to receive a primary diagnosis of autism.

This is particularly true for the diagnoses of language disorders and intellectual disability, and the prevalence of these conditions has decreased over the past two decades as autism diagnoses have increased.

The positive thing about better diagnoses is that children can get the specific, relevant and appropriate treatment they require.

What are your views on this contentious topic?

Children suffer when they live with parents who are chronically angry or who get into a rage at unpredictable times.

Scientists can now do magnetic imaging of the brain  and watch activity as it occurs. What they have found, is that children who live with explosive parents have the same brain activity as war veterans.

Yes, children living with angry parents feel like they are on a battlefield. This makes them anxious.

These anxious children  become hyper-vigilant, looking out for cues to predict the next outburst and searching for escape routes.

Anger at home is not OK.  The dangers are clear and measurable.

Do you get angry a lot and underestimate the damage?

Is your child anxious as a result?

what are your expereinces of anger and anxiety?

Childhood maltreatment is known to be one of the most potent environmental risk factors linked to later mental health problems such as anxiety disorders and depression.

A study published in August found that found that people who suffered maltreatment as children were twice as likely as those who had normal childhoods to develop persistent and recurrent depression, and less likely to respond well or quickly to treatment for their mental illness.

A study published  in the journal Current Biology Children  found that children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as soldiers exposed to combat.

This suggests that both maltreated children and soldiers may have adapted to become “hyper-aware” of danger in their environment.

Enhanced reactivity to a…threat cue such as anger may represent an adaptive response for these children in the short term, helping keep them out of danger,” said Eamon McCrory of University College  who led the study.

But he added that such responses may also be underlying neurobiological risk factor which increases the children’s susceptibility to later mental illness like depression.

Depression is already a major cause of mortality, disability, and economic burden worldwide and the World Health Organisation predicts that by 2020, it will be the second leading contributor to the global burden of disease across all ages.

A study published in August found that found that people who suffered maltreatment as children were twice as likely as those who had normal childhoods to develop persistent and recurrent depression, and less likely to respond well or quickly to treatment for their mental illness.

These studies confirm what should be common sense. Children need to be nurtured and kept safe.

There is a lot one can do to prevent mental illness. Keeping our children safe must be a priority.

TV often get a bad rap when it comes to children watching. We often hear about the negative side with violence, sexualisation and ads for unhealthy food, and parents are really concerned about this.

Therefore,  the Australian Council on Children and the Media (ACCM) and author Margaret Chandler  complied a report based on the opinions of Australian parents and grandparents of young children aged 2-8.

They found that,” when it comes to television, parents agree with the experts: they want quality TV. They know that quality television will promote their children’s healthy development.

Parents want their children to experience what they remember fondly from television programs they watched when they were young: entertaining stories that connect them to and expand their world, told by people who have their wellbeing in mind. Programs that nurture the children’s sense of curiosity, fun, creativity, and also model kindness and gentleness.”

The conclusion of the parents was that “TV plays a positive role in young children’s lives when it’s high quality and when parents monitor their children’s viewing, watch television with them and talk about the program.”

Because TV is the major media platform in the lives of families, it’s important that parents are aware of is the essential role they need to play to make sure TV is a positive in their child’s life.

What has been your experience of TV viewing when you were a child and what is your experience now?

Do you agree with the parents quoted in this report?

Anxiety is very easy to recognise in children. Common symptoms are:

*breathlessness
*talking very fast
*clingy behaviour
*refusing to separate
*not falling asleep
*needing to sleep with the light on
*wanting to carry a soothing bear or doll around when not appropriate

• nightmares
• obsessive thoughts about dangerous things happening
• catastrophic thinking
• fear of change

Every child has one or more of these symptoms at times. However, if they occur continuously for more than 2 weeks, or to an excessive amount so that your child cannot function, then it is anxiety.

Once you notice these symptoms, you need to get a proper diagnosis from a registered competent professional. You can then decide on treatment options.

Having said that, read through the list again and see if you have any of those symptoms. Frequently children ape their parents and just by working on your anxiety, you will help your child with theirs.

Many parents worry that their child is depressed. They worry for a number of reasons:

1. If a parent has had depression, they often worry that their child will suffer from depression too.

2. If a child is struggling at school, or in social situations, parents often stress that this wll lead to depression.

3. When there are family difficulties like a divorce or job loss, parents may be concerned that their children will become depressed as a result.

4. When a child acts strangely, for example, makes faces or talks too loudly, sensitive parents can question whether this is a sign of depression.

While all of the above are valid reasons for concern, they are not definite predictors of depression.

Here are some common symptoms of depression:

• Your child becomes withdrawn
• Your child is weepy, overly emotional
• Your child’s mood swings from highs to lows
• Your child becomes clingy
• The sleep pattern of your child changes
• The eating habits of your child change
• Your child has low motivation
• Your child has poor concentration

Please see this list as a guideline of what to look for but not a definitive diagnosis. Your child needs to be evaluated by a competent professional.

This week is Children’s Week in Australia. Children’s week is an annual event celebrated during the fourth week in October.

In 1996, it was decided to adopt a permanent theme: “A Caring World Shares” as a reflection of  the aims of this week.

Children’s Week celebrates the right of children to enjoy childhood. It is also a time for children to demonstrate their talents, skills and abilities.

Thousands of children and their families around the country will be involved in activities and events this week  through the participation of schools, playgroups, childcare, kindergartens, cultural groups, libraries, departments and community groups.

This week should be a reminder to society to have  a greater response to the plight of many millions of children around the world who are denied the basic necessities of a happy childhood and the education to develop their capacities.

It should also call us in Australia to consider those conditions in society which affect the lives and future of our own children.

Will you be involved in this worthwhile cause this week?

Will your child?

Parental harmony means less stress for kids

A child who grows up in a home with her two parents, who care about each other, will experience less stress growing up.

One of the reasons is that the child is in daily contact with her biological parents. Whatever the reasons underpinning this drive, all children crave to know who their biological parents are. Growing up with one’s biological parents gives a child a sense of roots and belonging.

Children also feel very fulfilled knowing that their parents love one another. When the day finally arrives that a child is ready to leave home, she is able to do so without hesitation or guilt, knowing that her mother and father have each other.

Parents who show affection to one another are modeling how to show affection. Moreover, parents who are comfortable with their sexuality will model for their child appropriateness regarding sexuality.

On a deeper level, it is very helpful for a child’s emotional well-being to grow up in an environment where it is clear that his mother and father have a relationship which excludes her.

One of the benefits is that the child is helped to become less egocentric as she realises that she is not the centre of everybody’s world. Another benefit is that the child will learn about boundaries as will be shown by the closed bedroom door (literally and figuratively) which she must not cross. Finally, the generational boundary is clearer since mother and father will be involved in “adult things” that do not include her, leaving her free to be a growing child.

It should now be abundantly clear that living together in harmony and love as a couple benefits your child in numerous ways. It is worth putting in effort to make it happen and keep it that way.

Kids thrive when parents are authentic

Parents often ask me who should be the disciplinarian with their child. My response is that it should be a fluid situation where each parent disciplines (in his/her own way) when alone with the child.

For instance, it is unhelpful when only daddy disciplines but is away all day at work. Or, if mummy always makes the rules but daddy does not enforce them when she is not there. (the terms mummy and daddy are used for simplicity. However, this advice pertains to all couples no matter their gender.)

When an issue arises and both parents are around, there are several options. In some couples, one partner naturally takes the leadership role, and the other partner is happy to take a back seat. Sometimes the issue determines who will take the lead in disciplining, as the issue may be evocative for one partner but not for the other. The mood, health, energy level of each partner will also play a role.

A flexible situation makes it easy for each parent because each one can act in ways that are authentic for them.

When you act authentically, your child will receive a clear consistent message of what to expect from each parent.It alos prevents conflict because one partner is not expeting the other to be like him but is allowing her to be herself and vice versa. It builds respect between partners as you validate what is important for each other.

Do you authentically? Do you expect your partner to do things like you do? Do you put down issues that are important to your partner?

Did you know that often fathers are often jealous of the relationship their children have with their mother?

Although it is common, if you are a jealous father,  know that it is not helpful for your child’s emotional well being. Here is some advice for dad’s that will help a child feel secure and have good self esteem.

• A father should encourage his child to love her mother and endeavour not to interfere with or spoil the relationship in any way.
• A father should also allow the mother of his child to form a strong relationship and should not feel jealous of the time the mother spends with the child.

If you feel that the mother of your child spends too much time with her, and your child seems spoilt, do not try and counteract this by spending less time with her. Rather discuss your concern with your partner (or ex-partner) and attempt to remedy the situation together. When you look for a remedy, bear in mind that you should not ruin either your relationship, or the mother’s relationship with your child, in the process.

The mother of a child requires the father’s support.

(If the father is the main caregiver, the reverse applies.)

This includes emotional and financial support as well as practical assistance. The more a father can give this support, the better care a mother can give their child  and the more the child will benefit emotionally.

Fathers living away from their children often have a need to punish their ex-partner and they do so by withholding support and help. If you have done this in the past, bear in mind that your children have borne the brunt of this “punishment” as much as their mother. It is in your children’s interest that you stop punishing and you assist their mother, thereby assisting them.

Children with a happy mother thrive.

Do you contribute to the mother of your children’s happiness?

Parenting smacking

Smacking is a common method used in parenting when children are challenging.. Sometimes you are so used to smacking you think there are no other punishments. This is a common parenting mistake.

There are many different types of effective punishments. Anything that “hurts” or is bitter qualifies as a punishment. Punishments do not have to be complicated or complex.

In positive parenting, we always  aim to use  softer, simpler methods and keep the “big guns” for major behavioural breaches. Here are some positive  parenting techniques that will get you results with love and logic.

1.Withholding Praise.

All human beings derive endless pleasure from praise Conversely, withholding praise causes pain and as such is a very effective form of punishment.. Your child in particular craves praise and approval from you and will her whole life. Therefore, focus on  being positive.

Every time she finishes a ballet class, for example, say something like : “you really tried hard today” or “your points were extra straight today”. Then the week that she misbehaves, you say nothing. Yes, I said say nothing. No reprimand, no lecture, just a relaxed silence. She will feel the “sting” and will try harder next time for the recognition.

2.Making a Comment

Having a behaviour pointed out will cause a child pain and thus serve as an effective punishment. A comment should be delivered in good spirit and without anger. “I noticed you seemed not to focus today” A silent comment such as a pointed glance can be very effective too.

3. Reprimanding

A reprimand is a criticism of your child’s behaviour. Just like adults, children find criticism hard to take.Here are some tips on how to reprimand:

• Criticism should be kept to a minimum.

• The reprimand must be gentle.

• Avoid shaming.

• Do not rebuke in public.

• Be loving throughout the rebuke, conveying deep feelings of concern by your words and facial expressions.

These positive parenting techniques will not only lead to parenting success but you will feel better about yourself as a parent.

Parenting rules consequences.

It is a common parenting mistake for parents to hand out punishment randomly and to expect it to improve their  child’s behaviour.

If you need help in handing out effective punishments, the way to do it is to hand out appropriate consequences. Here are some helpful rules to follow.

(a) Consequences given should be fair, realistic and not harmful. Provocative or terrifying threats leave a child feeling insecure and afraid. Never threaten:  “I am going to send you off to boarding school if you keep doing this” or I am going to lock you in the garage.” You want to parent with love and limits.

(b) Consequences should fit the “crime” as closely as possible. Random or excessive consequences and rules do not teach better behaviour, they merely assuage the parent’s anger.

Here are some parenting tips for suitable consequences:

Crime Punishment/Consequence
Insult a sibling/ Appease the sibling, ask forgiveness
Making a mess/ Clean it up
Gossiping /Not talking for some time
Damage a friend’s toy/ Give a toy to that friend

With older children it is helpful to discuss with them what they feel is a fitting punishment.When they choose the consequence, they are more likely to carry it out.

(c)It is vital to ensure that you see the consequence through.Otherwise your child will not take  future threats seriously.

(d)Once a child has been punished, view him as having “served his time”. No further strictness is necessary or helpful. .

Even if a child does not show it, he feels miserable after a punishment. It is thus healing to show love soon after the punishment. This is not an apology but an attempt to reassure the child you still love and care about him. Simply touching your child or hugging him can be a huge relief for your child.

Your consequences will  be effective if you take  these rules into consideration.

Autonomy and mastery builds self esteem. Do not make the parenting mistake of praising excessively.  When you  focus on building autonomy and mastery and you will boost the self esteem of your child.

• In order to foster autonomy, it is important to respect your child’s individuality . Your child is an individual with his own opinions, tastes, needs, personality, idiosyncrasies, which may clash with your own.

It can be a very difficult parenting challenge to accept these differences. However, lack of acceptance may lead to conflict. Or you may inadvertently crush your child’s spirit and ultimately his self-esteem.

Allow your child his individuality except when it comes to moral issues which are non-negotiable such as theft or lying.

• In order to foster mastery, allow your child to feel useful and important, no matter his age.

You can make your child feel useful and important in lots of situations, such as when you shop together, when you plan the child’s birthday party, when you are preparing for a dinner party.

When you encourage your child to do as much for himself as he is able, this will build his sense of inner strength and wisdom. Doing too much for your child conveys a lack of trust in his abilities.

Let him struggle with an activity, and only assist him if it is clearly impossible for him to do. Remember, to struggle with an activity and finally succeed is good for his personal growth and for his self-esteem.

Give your child success experiences to foster mastery.
From a young age you can give your child achievable chores to do that he will feel good about doing. Later on, you need to choose experiences that are more specific to your child’s needs.

When you try these positive parenting techniques, you will quickly experience parenting success.

Parenting rude behaviour

Parenting rude behaviour is a major parenting challenge.
A common parenting mistake is to ignore the behaviour. However, when your child is rude, the best thing to do is to correct your child’s behaviour.

Positive parenting means that when you correct behaviour, your aim should not be to crush your child but to give him the opportunity to retreat with dignity.

Therefore, correct in a way that gives your child leverage by offering a choice or showing him how to rectify the situation.

“John, I do not like the way you are speaking to me. Rewind and start again”

Should the misbehaviour persist, then you must take action and/or make the child aware that his negative behaviour will result in a negative consequence.

Depending on the situation, you can use one or more of the following steps:

Step 1 You express your feelings strongly
Step 2 You state your expectations
Step 3 You show your child how to make amends
Step 4 You give your child a choice
Step 5 You take action
Step 6 You teach consequences

Illustration of the steps:

Step 1: “John I do not like it when you shout at me and call me names”
Step 2: “I expect you to speak respectfully to me even if you disagree”
Step 3: “ I would like you to breathe deeply, and say what you were saying in a respectful way”
Step 4: “You obviously cannot do it now. So either you write me a note apologising or you come back later and try again”
Step 5: “I have waited for 24 hours for you to make amends. Since you have not, I have decided to exclude you from the family discussion as I am not sure you will be respectful. At any time before then if you make amends, you can join”.

When you do this, you are parenting by design. You are parenting with love and boundaries and your child is learning how to behave better and not be rude.

Parenting advice: After separation, prioritise your child

After a separation, the well-being of your child should be paramount and should motivate both of you to work together as a team rather than be in conflict.Conflict can lead children to feel insecure.

Here is some parenting advice to assist you to avoid conflict after separation.

• Try and find a solution that is best suited to the personality of your  child and the personality of the person who has to see the solution through.
• Respect each other’s differences and attempt to work together to harness your strengths in order to benefit your child.

How this works in action.

Mary and John have separated and share the parenting responsibilities. Mary tends to be fairly strict and likes homework to be done as soon as Mark gets home from school. John is more laid back and does not check up if there is homework to do so Mark often neglects it.

Mary and John used to fight about who is the better parent and whose style is superior. This did not help Mark who felt insecure and neglected school work.

When they consulted with me, I focused them on Mark. Who is Mark? He is a child who is happy to neglect homework. What is best for him? To complete his homework every day.

What is the most practical? Mary could enforce it as soon as Mark comes home from school. John can enforce it any time before bedtime.
In this way, John does not have to be exactly like Mary. However, for Mark’s sake, John needs to make sure homework is done.

Forget power struggles after separation. Aim to resolve your conflict and to work together as a team to help your child feel he is in a circle of security.

A realistic parent builds self esteem in children

Many parents have high expectations of their children and feel disappointed a lot of the time which is a parenting mistake. When you are realistic, you will feel more love for your child and this will boost his self esteem. It is a parenting challenge to do this but it is possible

Here is some parenting advice that will help you to boost your child’s self esteem  successfully.

• Accept your child for who he is. Tune in to who your child really is.By accepting his individuality and not requiring him to be somebody who is an extension of you, you will feel a lot better about yourself.

• Expect difficulties and many stages of development.When you expect difficulties in parenting, they do not come as a terrible shock or let-down. You see them as being a normal part of life, and you can attempt to solve them as such.

• Strive for balance. When you balance your life by maintaining an interest in your partner, your work, and your leisure time activitie, you will feel better as a person and consequently as a parent.

• Know that you are not the only influence in your child’s life. Grandparents, siblings, peers, nannies, teachers, all contribute positively or negatively to a growing child’s environment and personality development.It is not all your fault.

Not only will you be a calmer happier parent when you apply this parenting advice but your child will have a higher self esteem and be happier too.

Parenting responsibility

In my opinion, it is a parenting responsibility to teach your children how to share.  A major parenting mistake is that parents  force their children to share but this does  not help them learn the skill of sharing.

Another parenting error is  telling children to work it out for themselves. Parenting with love and logic means that you actively teach your children how to share..

Here is some parenting advice on how you do it:

It will help your family if you have 3 “tiers” of objects in your home.

• Tier one is where each child has possessions that belong only to her. Special gifts, or equipment that are clearly for her benefit and use. Your child can be taught that sharing is important and there are times the right thing to do is to share. However, it is up to her and you cannot force her.

• Tier 2 are games and toys and equipment that belong to all the siblings in the house. Games that were bought for the family or clearly are for everyone’s benefit. Things like a computer, computer games, hammock which the family may decide are to be shared amongst each other but not with outsiders like neighbours or cousins. Siblings need to learn strategies to share these so conflict is minimal.

• Tier 3 are those things that are for everybody. Your child needs to know that the toys in the toy box are for everybody to use  and neighbours and visitors get priority.

What you will find is that your children share much more when there are these 3 tiers. This is  because  they know what the parameters are and they feel secure that their precious items cannot be pried away from them.

When you apply this advice, you will overcome the parenting challenge of teaching children to share.

Depression obesity link

A link has been found between depression and obesity.

The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry published a study in May 2011 confirming that obese children are more likely to suffer depression as adults. This is more so in girls who tend to hang on to their weight when they are older.

Researchers from Tasmania and Victoria tracked a big group of children for 20 years. In 1985, they surveyed children aged 7 to 15, and one in ten was overweight. More than 2200 of these children were revisited when they were aged 26 to 36 and the results were remarkable.

The survey found being fat as children increased the risk of mood disorders in adulthood by 54 per cent, particularly among overweight girls who became obese women. When adults, 37 per cent of the girls and 61 per cent of the boys had become overweight or obese.

“These results suggest that prevention of childhood obesity is equally important in both sexes for reducing the risk of diagnosed mood disorder in adulthood,” the study said.

The researchers also warned that rates of childhood obesity had more than doubled in many countries since the children in their study were first assessed in 1985.

While there are no definite reasons given for this link between depression and obesity, what is for sure, is that children need to be helped to stay fit and trim.

Parenting mistakes are common.

One of the biggest parenting mistakes is to punish a child without thoroughly investigating whether or not the child is actually the guilty party.

It is essential that you only punish a guilty child. You see, when a child has committed an offense, she will see punishment as just and will generally take it in good faith. However, if she has not committed an offense, she will feel hateful and resentful that she was given a punishment wrongfully.

Therefore, you must be certain that your child is the culprit before punishing her. This is a major parenting challenge. Suspicion or reports from siblings do not comprise reliable proof. Just because Jane says that Tom hit her, does not mean it happened that way. Take some time to check it out. If you cannot clarify what happened, rather leave it that punish wrongfully.

If somebody makes a complaint, always check it out first before rushing in with punishment. For example, if the mother of your child’s classmate calls and tells you that Tom pushed her son, do not immediately punish Tom. Get his version of the story, visit the school, do due diligence before punishing.

Simply put, unless you are convinced that your child is the guilty party, it is preferable to withhold punishment rather than to punish in error.

Do not make these parenting mistakes. From now on always check out the details. Your child will love you for it.

Strategies to help your child feel safe

Would you like you child to
feel secure,
feel safe,
have direction,
be agreeable,
function as part of a team?

Parenting together with your partner, goes a long way towards achieving these goals.

When two parents work as a team, with the welfare of their child at the forefront of their minds, their child feels secure and contained.

As a result of feeling secure, your child will behave in a responsible and socially acceptable manner. Moreover, he will not need to act up in any way because much of a child’s need to act up is related to his search for attention, recognition, security, bondedness.

Work together is necessary even after a separation or divorce.Just because parents cannot live together should not mean that their offspring should have to make do with only one parent.Children require a great deal of input from both parents for many years.

There are four main areas of input from both parents that are vital to the emotional well-being of a child:

1. The relationship between parent X and his child (could be father).
2. The relationship between parent Y and her child (could be mother).
3.The relationship between parent X and parent Y as parents.
4.The relationship between Parent X and parent Y as a couple.

Meaningful relationships on all these levels are hugely beneficial to children’s mental health.

Are you investing in these connections? Where do you think you should put your effort moving forward?

An important anger management strategy for kids is to improve self-awareness

Young children do not have the insight to realise when they are being angry. They respond best to anger management strategies when they develop self-awareness of when their anger is rising.

By the way, these anger management tips work best when everybody in the family is utilising them. Therefore, instead of trying to teach them as a concept to your child, encourage everybody in the family to implement these strategies when rage is building.

Activity: Draw 4 thermometers in a row.

Thermometer 1 has mercury which is barely risen. Next to it write: “No anger. THE IDEAL”.

Thermometer 2 has mercury which is up a third. Next to it write: “Getting angry. Symptoms: rising voice, feeling agitated, impatient, aggravated, body movements like pacing,, drumming, rocking. THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO STOP.”

Thermometer 3 has mercury which is up two thirds. Next to it write: “Angry. Symptoms: full on yelling, name calling, maybe hitting and/or breaking things. THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO REVERSE.”

Thermometer 4 has mercury to the top. Next to it write: “Totally out of control with rage. YOU NEVER WANT TO GET HERE.”

Draw these thermometers together with your child. Make it an interactive activity. Explain the difference between all 4. Talk about how from now on, every member of the family is going to be aware of their “temperature” rising and stop it as soon as possible.

Talk about how, if you see your child getting frustrated or agitated, you will ask, “How hot are you now?” Ask in an exploratory way, without anger or judgement.

The long term goal is to help your child focus on his state of arousal and develop self-awareness. Once there is self-awareness, your child will know when to apply anger management techniques.

The loss of a parent is devastating no matter your age. However, researchers are now looking at the affect on children when a parent dies.

In the first study of its kind , researchers in the US  have discovered that 40% of children bereaved by  parental death will require intervention to prevent prolonged grief reaction and possible depression.

Every year in the United States, 4% of children under the age of 15 experience the death of a parent. More than 50% of the children were able to cope with their grief within one year of the loss of their parent.

However, the course of grief was shown to be more difficult for some children, with 30% showing a more gradual easing of their symptoms and about 10% displaying high and prolonged grief for nearly three years after their parents died. Those children with prolonged grief reaction also showed increased incidents of depression.

An important finding was that the well-being of the children’s surviving caregivers is a significant predictor of the children’s overall well-being. They found that the combination of complicated grief in the surviving parent, and in the child, were particularly strong in predicting depression in children up to three years after the death.

This is one unavoidable fall out from loss. Everyone needs support.

If you have suffered a loss, and have children to care for, seek help so that you can be as supportive as possible. If you are a relative, step in and assist the surviving parent who is grieving as well. Your support could make all the difference.

When you are a child, it is vital for your self esteem to feel that you are accepted and acceptable to general society. A child needs to feel that he/she belongs to a family and is wanted. In the same vein, a child needs to believe that he/she belongs to the bigger family -which is society- and is accepted.

These considerations have come up in the debate about same sex marriages. Here is a quote made by Dr Paula Gerber (a senior lecturer at the Monash University Law School and deputy director of the Castan Centre for Human Rights Law) in the Australian this week:

“Denying same-sex couples the right to marry subjects the children of such couples to inequities, indignities and insecurities that can flow from being part of a family that is not legally sanctioned by society. A refusal to allow a child’s same-sex parents to marry sends a signal to society that such families are not equal in the eyes of the law, and that it is permissible to treat them differently…

There was a time not that long ago when children born of unmarried parents were labelled ”illegitimate” and subjected to social stigma. Let’s not repeat this same mistake…we must legalise same-sex marriage to ensure that society as a whole respects and promotes the rights and welfare of children growing up in same-sex families.”

What are your views?

Tonight I spoke at Grace pre-school in Bondi, Sydney.The topic I was given was  “Positive Parenting” which is the credo of the school.  I totally agree that that is the way to go.

One aspect of positive parenting is to forget making and enforcing rules. Rather seek to motivate your children.

Many parents I work with  try to  force, make, get, insist, coerse their children to do something they want. It is revealed in questions and comments such as:

• “ How do I get Billy to stay in his bed at night?”

• “No matter how hard I try, I cannot make Judy sit at the dinner table.”

• “I want a strategy that when I speak, Tom listens straight away”.

Positive parenting is about making an environment conducive to collaboration, learning, inspiration and motivation.

For 10 tips on positive parenting, click here.