Our practice specialises in treating anxiety and we find this site very helpful. We are happy to supply this reference as a resource.

www.understandinganxiety.com.au

Dating is difficult and can wreak havoc with your self-esteem. Rejection or uncertainty can make you feel vulnerable and insecure.
Here are some ways to save your self-esteem while dating:
1.    Avoid high expectations. If you meet someone and develop really high expectations quickly, you probably won’t find what you’re looking for.
2.    Don’t lie about your appearance. It’s easier than ever to do so in the age of online dating, but nobody wins if you post pictures that are 10 years old.
3.    Establish firm boundaries. If, after the first date, someone constantly cancels subsequent dates or if you find yourself staring at your cell phone waiting for a text that does not come, it may be time to move on. If the other person is really interested, he or she will go out of his or her way to contact you.
4.    Be yourself. Know that inside you’re a great person. If a person you’re interested in doesn’t feel the same, don’t waste your time trying to convince them that you’re great. Others need to appreciate and understand you for who you are today, not some “ideal” version of you, or someone you might be in the future.
5.    Be honest. If you’re looking for a life partner, tell the truth about yourself — and expect the truth from others. There is nothing worse than spending lots of time dating a person only to find out much later an important secret or lie of omission about them.
6.    Be hopeful. Just because you meet someone who doesn’t fit your expectations doesn’t mean you should give up hope. Keep in mind that the right person may also be out there looking for you, too. It’s a matter of keep trying, over and over again, until you find someone who just feels right.
With thanks: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/07/08/dating-some-self-esteem-savers/

I have selected some great self-esteem quotes.  I believe that they are useful in reminding ourselves how valuable our own opinions of ourselves are, sometimes in spite of what we hear from others.

When you feel down or question yourself, say a quote that resonates with you, aloud. Watch how your mood changes and your confidence rises.

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

~ Golda Meir

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

~ Anna Freud

“Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.”

~ St. Francis De Sales

“Listen to your heart above all other voices.”

~ Marta Kagan

“Be yourself. There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.”

~ Unknown Author

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

~ Judy Garland

“You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.”

~ Lou Holtz

Self-trust is the first secret of success.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you don’t run your own life, somebody else will.”

~ John Atkinson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.”

~ Les Brown

If you have quotes that you find useful, I would love to hear them.

Low self-esteem is often misunderstood, and even misdiagnosed, by many counsellors as being of secondary concern.
The truth is that low self-esteem (LSE) is not merely a symptom. It is frequently the root cause of problems like depression, anxiety, relationship breakdowns, parenting difficulties and anger.
That may be a reason therapy is not working for you – because you are not dealing with the core issue- LSE.
If you are not sure that you have LSE, a test may help you. The critical issue though is to utilise a test that has been developed by academics and has scientific reliability and validity.
What this means, is that the test is proven to test what it says it tests, every time.
There are hundreds of tests on the web, many put together by well meaning individuals. Even if these tests are free, and the website inviting, it does not mean that you are getting an accurate reading of your self-esteem.
My advice is to read and participate with discretion. Take information whence it comes. If an individual is passionate about self-esteem and has good ideas based on life experience, that is great. But it does not mean that they can construct a test that is valid.
Psychologists are specialists in human behaviour based on scientific inquiry. When tests are developed there are criteria that need to be met. It takes time, money and lots of energy. Once a test is accredited it has gone through a rigorous procedure.
The reason this it is vital that you take a valid test is that self diagnosis at best is inaccurate. Home industry questionnaires contribute to  mis-diagnoses and can prevent you from seeking appropriate treatment.
The solution: Only self- diagnose with valid tests constructed by credible professionals and visit a qualified professional for confirmation.

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” In other words, you can accept or reject another person’s evaluation of you.
Let’s say you are 6 ft 6 inches tall and somebody called you “Shorty”, you would not take it seriously. You would think that they are being sarcastic, or they are out of touch with reality.
Similarly, if you were sure that you had worth then no matter what anybody said, no matter how insulting they were, you would not believe them.
On the other hand, if you frequently get upset and feel put down by others, it means that you put yourself down internally. When they make a comment, not necessarily a put down, you silently agree and it upsets you.
Here are 3 actions that will help you:
1.    Stop putting yourself down. Be aware of what you tell yourself and consciously change your internal dialogue.
You can’t develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities. Whether speaking about your appearances, your career, your relationships, your financial situation, or any other aspects of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments.
2.    Replace your negative phrases with affirmations to enhance your self-esteem. On the back of a small card, write out a statement such as “I am enough, I do enough, I have enough”.
Carry the card with you. Repeat the statement several times during the day. Whenever you say the affirmation, allow yourself to experience positive feelings about your statement.
3.    Accept all compliments with “thank you.” When you reject a compliment, the message you give yourself is that you are not worthy of praise. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You.”

Building self-esteem is a process and these steps will help you along the way.

Self-esteem starts to develop in early childhood, around age two. It is not measurable before the age of five or six because up until this time two functions of self-esteem, competence and worthiness, operate independently of each other.
In other words, when an infant acquires the skill of clapping, he is delighted with himself. However, he does not think about whether clapping increases or lowers his worth as a human being.
Between the ages of five and eight self-esteem becomes increasingly defined.
Children begin to make judgments about their self worth and competence in five areas:

• physical appearance

• social acceptance

• scholastic ability

• athletic and artistic skills

• behaviour

At this point in childhood, a child is able to evaluate his accomplishments in terms of their worthiness and connects the two. A child develops an increasing awareness of those things he is good at and those he is not good at.
Self-esteem acts as a filter through which we judge our performances. In this way, it may determine how we approach future tasks.
By adulthood self-esteem can be changed from a mostly reactive phenomenon to one that can be consciously acted upon to either increase or decrease feelings of self worth.
If you have self-esteem, issues, they will not get better on their own. You can learn skills that will enable you to take charge of your self-esteem and utilise it to move forward.
As an adult you have the capacity to evaluate messages and values pushed out by society and go against the flow if you choose. You can let go of the belief that if you are not clever at maths you are useless as a human being and feel worthwhile no matter your skill set.

People with high self-esteem act and think in ways that contribute to their self-esteem! The way they interact with the world improves their chances of success and helps them keep on developing positive self-esteem.
1.    Learn to be calm and relaxed
People with high self-esteem are also generally more optimistic and relaxed than people who have lower self-esteem. Having a calm, positive approach makes you more likely to experience situations in a positive way.
2.    Create a positive spiral
People who are fearful and anxious, might have unfortunate experiences – at least partly because they expect things to go wrong. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Create positive cycles in your life by going into new things with a fresh, positive perspective.
3.    Make friendly connections, put yourself out there
”Lucky” people have been found to be friendly, outgoing and more inclined to start chatting to strangers in a coffee shop. Those who keep to themselves or hide behind a newspaper have less chance of a ‘lucky encounter’.
4.    Have some confidence
Act confident in social situations even if you do not feel it. Success experiences build confidence and are a way of improving self esteem.
5.    Improving self-esteem means changing beliefs
What you believe about yourself is a key element in having high self-esteem. If you believe you are a capable person and act like a capable person – your chances of success increase. This success contributes to improving self-esteem.
6.    Making positive self-esteem a habit
A habit is simply a set of behaviours that you do so often that it becomes second nature. The aim is to improve self-esteem by learning high self-esteem behaviours and practicing them until they become your second nature.
7.     Characteristics of High Self-Esteem You Can Develop
•    High self awareness (Living Consciously)
•    Self love and self acceptance
(through cultivating a sense of gratitude , reducing self criticism, using affirmations )
•    Self respect.
(through learning to be assertive and acting with integrity)

Here is a blog post I recently read, I thought it has value.

“Whether it’s right or wrong, in the fledgling stages of building up a poor self image, “putting your best foot forward” is a step in the right direction and should be taken seriously if you are serious about changing your daily happiness levels.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, I encourage you to approach your wardrobe as something of a project. Do the research on what looks good on your body type and throw out the things in your wardrobe that make you feel unattractive?
That includes the clothes you wear around the house – after all, low self-esteem follows you everywhere.
Make sure you have an outfit that makes the most out of your appearance for every occasion and use them.
If you need to, design a self-esteem clothing wardrobe in writing or diagrams with all the things that mix and match and the accessories and tape that to the inside of your wardrobe.
Once you have it figured out, you can forget about it. After all, it’s just as easy to put on self- esteem clothing as it is to put on horrible ones.
If you want to take it a step further, invest in a consultation with a high class hairdresser and find out what style suits your face the best.
You’ve probably watched the “make-over” shows on television with some envy at the complete turnaround the contestant’s experience. It’s time to do that for yourself. Identify what’s letting you down and face it with determination.
Self-esteem clothing and your appearance doesn’t have to be the most important aspect in your life, or even the 10th most important thing, but it can be one area of your life that doesn’t add to your low self-esteem.”

Read more: http://www.buildingself-esteem.com/self-esteem-clothing.html#ixzz1nnzEHhLd

Every age brings it own challenges when you are a parent. We would like to think that by late adolescence, our children are out of the woods.
Not so. It has been found that fresh out of school,18-year-old males are more likely to commit a crime than people of any other age or gender.
Police took action against one-in-ten 18-year-old males in the year to July 2011, according to figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics February 2012, making them the single biggest problem group for law enforcement authorities.
And the proportion of 18-year olds committing a crime is increasing slightly each year.
Most became caught up in public order offences such as offensive language and public drunkenness as they hit legal age and began drinking more and spending more time out after dark, juvenile crime expert from the University of Sydney’s Institute of Criminology, Garner Clancey, said.
”They’re out and about much more than any other time in their lives, they’re on public transport and in licensed venues and they’re often in groups so they’re more likely to be drawn into the police’s net,” he said.
Public order offences were the most common crime committed by 18-year olds, followed by theft, drug offences and acts intended to cause injury.
Not only are they drinking more, teenage males are more prone to take risks as their brains are still developing, Father Chris Riley from Youth off the Streets said. However, he believes rising youth unemployment and a lack of services are behind the alarming statistics.
Parenting adolescents is always tough but as parents  we need to develop appropriate parenting styles to engage our older adolescents and to guide them through this risky phase.

There are a lot of angry people around in our generation. And there are many explanations as to why that is.

My experience as a clinician has shown me that very often anger is a protective mechanism. An anxious person unconsciously chooses to attack before being attacked (which is the unconscious fear).

Alternatively,an anxious person may prefer to  reject first than be rejected by others later. Here the unconscious fear is of being abandoned.

If you are angry a great deal, take a moment to evaluate if you are fearful or anxious. Think about your upbringing. Did you feel secure?

If you are not sure, consult with an experienced professional. You will discover that if your anger is coming from fear, then by treating your fears, you will be simultaneously removing your anger.

It will be worth it, I guarantee. I would love to hear from you about it, so please leave a comment.

Many people turn to smoking, eating, or shopping to relieve stress.

This is a very short term view. Let us presume that smoking does help with stress. It only helps for a limited time and then you are lighting up again.

Moreover, over the years, you create all kinds of health issues for yourself that lead to additional stress. In fact, it leads to much more stress than the original trigger ever did.

The same applies to eating excessively or shopping unnecessarily. The new and greater issues you create by doing these activities tend to far outweigh  the gravity of the original problem.

There are many simple, free, valid tools for working down stress. In the long term, they will also improve your health, immune system and general feeling of well being.

I recommend that you learn and utilise these tools from now on for your own sake.

If you disagree with me, please feel free to vent.

Many people are aware of common symptoms of depression like feelings of sadness, hopelessness and fatigue.  What most people are unaware of  is that physical pain and depression can be closely related.

It is impossible to make a causal link and, if I tried to, I have no doubt that many of you would be up in arms. Suffering from chronic pain is awful. Therefore, the suggestion that pain could be “all in your mind” or “nothing but depression” leads victims to feel that their suffering has been invalidated.

Instead, what I am talking about is the relationship between pain and depression. Simply put, pain can be depressing, and depression causes and intensifies pain.

Think about it. If you are going to a concert you have been looking forward to, and you develop a mild to moderate headache, you will fight to overcome the headache. You will get to the concert and enjoy it. Conversely, if you have just had an altercation with your partner, your headache grows and becomes unmanageable.

Some research shows that pain and depression share common pathways in the limbic (emotional) region of the brain. In fact, the same chemical messengers control pain and mood. According to an article published by the Harvard Medical School, people with chronic pain have three times the average risk of developing psychiatric symptoms–usually mood or anxiety disorders–and depressed patients have three times the average risk of developing chronic pain.

Many people suffering from depression never get help because they don’t realize that pain may be a symptom of depression. The importance of understanding the physical symptoms of depression is that treating depression can help with the pain–and treating pain can help with depression.

People often ask couples who have been together for a long time: “What is the secret of staying together?”

As a psychologist, who studies human behaviour, this question is one that fascinates me too. Recently, I observed something that I strongly believe is a big part of staying together – happily.

I was watching a woman in her fifties singing karaoke. There had been numerous individuals before her. One was a young sexy girl who was having her moment of being a rock star. She received cheers and whistles from the audience and it was fun to watch.

Another was a twenty something, serious young man who obviously had singing training. He sang something operatic and the audience applauded accordingly.

Then, the woman I referred to earlier, stood up. She turned to her husband and publicly said: ” I dedicate this song to my wonderful husband X. We have been together for 21 years and he is still the one for me”.

The audience went “ahhh” and a few had tears in their eyes, a much bigger reaction that all the other singers had received.

At that moment, I realised that an important glue in a relationship is a public choosing of your partner. Couples thrive when their love is declared not only in private, but in public.

That is why marriage is so much more binding than living together. You publicly choose your partner and are in effect saying “You are the one”.  Every anniversary thereafter,  you  basically reaffirm your commitment to one another. If you have children, they too celebrate your relationship.

Choosing one another publicly does not mean you have to stand on stage and sing a love song. It means that you are not afraid to state, to others (in various ways) that you have chosen this person to be your life partner.

In my opinion, when couples who do this for one another,their relationship benefits.

Here is a guest post by a friend and colleague, Fay Frischer. Food for thought for everyone getting married.

The engagement

Congratulations you have just announced your engagement.  You are a young executive in a large company deriving a substantial annual income.  You have developed a portfolio of assets including shares and real estate.  Your fiancé is on the other hand less affluent but that is immaterial as you are clearly in love.  Love conquers all and you cannot conceive of the marriage breaking down irretrievably and the subsequent divorce with a property division.

The marriage

Wake up girl.  Your marriage is now dead.  Fast forward in your thoughts to the court allocating a percentage of your hard earned income and assets to your husband in a bitterly contested court battle.  Rules and regulations will determine the inevitable allocation of property and assignment of the pool of assets and liabilities.

Essentially the court considers the Family Law Act to evaluate who gets what in the wash up.  The first step will be to identify the assets and liabilities and this will include your nest egg of superannuation entitlements.  The second step will be to look at the contributions, financial and non financial, that each of you has made to the acquisition, maintenance and improvement of these assets.

The court will carve up the asset pool and you will not like this cut.

Your lifeline

Think about the future now.  Talk to a lawyer who can advise you on asset protection by way of a binding financial agreement (or a pre nup in the old terminology).  It is not difficult and the concept will apply to first and subsequent marriages but you will have the peace of mind to work on your marriage.

Fay Frischer

Solicitor

fayfrischer@lawyerlanecove.com.au

www.lawyerlanecove.com.au

Your thoughts?

In my practice, there are 2 common questions adults ask:

1. Can you improve self esteem as an adult?
2. If so, what activities are useful to boost their self esteem?

The answer to the first is:

“Yes, you can improve self esteem as an adult but is takes time and repetition. There is no quick fix.”

The answer to the second is that there are things one can do.

1. Adults need to push themselves to master situations. Sitting back and wallowing does not enhance self esteem. In fact, it erodes self esteem.
2. Every time an individual does master something, she should endorse herself for her effort.  In other words, as an adult, one needs to develop an inner maternal voice that dispenses praise and reassurance.
3. Developing warm, close relationships is core to most people’s self esteem.

Exactly what behaviours need to be encouraged, will be specific to each individual’s situation.

Salome (not her real name) provides an excellent case presentation. Salome felt inadequate because men did not ask her out for dates. From the age of twenty five, she began to withdraw and hardly socialised. This only increased her feelings of inferiority.

From a behavioural perspective, the most important activity for Salome to do would be to push herself to meet people. She joined a bridge club and a gym.  At the same time, she improved her appearance and communication skills.

Every time she went out, and met people, Salome would endorse herself for her effort. She would say, out loud, “Well done Salome for conquering your fears and facing new people” or “I felt proud of the way that I looked today. Several men complimented me”.

Salome’s self esteem improved, not because she dated but because she felt masterful and resilient.

What do you need to push yourself to do?

An interesting thing happens when we yell at somebody. They yell back.

Have you ever thought about it? Your unspoken thought or wish was that they would back down, shut up or give you what you wanted.

 Instead, what happens is usually the opposite. The person you are yelling at responds negatively. Children tend to become defiant, sulk or even break something in retaliation. If the child does comply, it is with resentment.

If you yelled at your spouse, nine times out of ten he/she will get angry in  return until,before you know it, you are engaged in a  full on war. Yelling at a work colleague creates distance and can take months to repair.

The truth is, when you are angry at somebody, they feel attacked. In response, they feel the need to defend themselves from your onslaught and will do whatever it takes to do so. 

The defensive strategy employed could be obvious, like yelling back or refusing outright to comply. Or the strategy could be covert and even subversive.

There are a few principles to be learned from this:

1. Anger leads to more anger.

2. Therefore, if you want to make a point, or to get something done, adopt a collaborative, calm approach.

3. If you are at the receiving end of the anger, do everything to de-escallate the rising emotion. Stay calm. Validate the aggressors feelings: “I can see that  you are furious at me” rather than defend your actions: “It was not me! ”

4. Be alert to angry cues. When you feel yourself boiling up, calm down before interacting with others. When you see somebody getting worked up at you, try and remove yourself from the situation.

5. Avoid  anger at all costs. Aim for peaceful interactions.

Have you had repercussions from your anger? Please share them.

Over the years, I have taught hundreds of people how to manage their emotions which are affecting their performance negatively.

What I have observed, is that frequently anger and anxiety are connected.  Let me illustrate my point with David’s story (not his real name).

David was angry at work every day. Literally all day, he would stew internally about how his customers were treating him. He believed they were not respectful of his time or admiring enough of his creative ability. While he did not yell at them directly, often they picked up his negative manner and would leave.

This perpetuated David’s belief that his customers did not treat him right. On top of that, David constantly criticised his staff. In his eyes they were never efficient enough, clever enough or loyal enough and so he had a continual turnover of staff.

David’s wife dragged him to therapy because she could not tolerate the way he treated everybody around him, including herself. To David’s credit, he began to engage in therapy and the journey of self discovery.

What soon became apparent, is that David had an insecure attachment to his mother. As an adult he still did not trust anybody and was fearful of being abandoned.

David used anger as a protective mechanism. it was easier for him to say the people around him were not worth much than to admit that he needed them. If he admitted he was dependent, then they would have the power to abandon him. The fear of abandonment was the source of his anxiety.

As David recognised his fears, and dealt with them, his anxiety reduced along with his anger.

Are you angry a lot of the time?

Are you perhaps using it as a protective mechanism?

A large percentage of  people suffer from stress. However, many  people manage their stress in varied ways that are not always ideal. Only a small percentage of sufferers obtain help from professionals.

A survey by the APS found that it is those people with high levels of stress who will seek help from qualified practitioners:  20%  seek help from their general practitioner and only 15% seek help from an allied  mental health professional.

The survey indicated that most people with moderate to low levels of stress have found ways of dealing with their stress themselves.

Activities to manage stress

• turn to a family member (22%)
• ask  a friend (25%) for help
• utilise distractions
• practice relaxation methods
• watch television
• read
• listen to music

These strategies are all appropriate and useful. However, many chosen strategies are not healthy or helpful in the long run.

It is of concern that 40% of Australians drink alcohol, 66% use food and 46% use shopping as a way of managing their stress.

These are escape or numbing techniques that work in the short term but lead to bigger issues in the long term.

If you utilise these dangerous methods, step 1 is to own up to it. Step 2 is to make a commitment to find better, healthier alternatives that will truly address the stress levels in your life. Step 3 is to relinquish these negative behaviours.

Can you relate to these behaviours?  What do you do?

A question that I am commonly asked is, “Are more people stressed than before?” Sometime, I am attacked verbally with the accusation that “Psychologists just make work for themselves by testing people and saying they need help.”

I wish that were true. I would far prefer to engage in positive psychology and psycho-education and have a really healthy population. Unfortunately, results of a recent online survey, conducted by the Australian Psychology Association revealed a high percentage of people of all ages suffering from stress and other symptoms.  These results are comparable to results from other countries.

Here are some of the findings:

• Younger Australians, in particular those in the 18-25 age group,  reported significantly higher levels of stress  than those older age groups
• Women reported significantly higher levels of perceived stress.
• Women identified family and personal health issues as stressors while men were more concerned with the economy and political climate.
• 30% of people identified the workplace as a source of stress.
• People who were retired had higher levels of wellbeing.
• Couples in a relationship, or married but without children, reported significantly higher levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals who had suffered a relationship breakdown in the past twelve months reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Those individuals, who were separated but not divorced, reported significantly lower levels of wellbeing.
• Sole parents, and those who were not married, reported a significantly higher level of perceived stress.
• People with lower levels of education reported significantly more perceived stress when compared to the general population.
• 52% of Australians reported financial issues as the main cause of their stress.
• 12% of Australians experienced levels of stress in the severe range.

Stress is a real issue experienced by millions of people and not a fabrication of psychologists.

What are your thoughts?

The existence of post- natal depression is  increasingly accepted in today's times. What is rarely spoken about, or acknowledged, is that fathers too can suffer depression after the birth of a child.

The effects  of early paternal depression on children's development is the subject of  a new paper in The Medical Journal of Australia. Based on data from the Longitudinal  Study of Australian Children, the researchers found depression in fathers during  the first year of a child's life can have detrimental impact on their child's  behaviour, and social and emotional development. 

This paper highlights the need to:

1. Educate the public that fathers may be at risk for depression after the birth of a child.

2. Be alert that this depression may surface up to a year after the birth.

3. Remove the shame of seeking help so that fathers can get the treatmen they require.

4. Ensure fathers get treatment to protect the well being of their child.

Do you know any father who has suffered paternal depression? 

Please share you knowledge and experiences.

Anger is a form of control. When we are young, we discover that if we yell and scream, we will get what we want.

Look at young kids. A two year old having a tantrum in a shopping mall will get whatever their hearts desire. Mum will do anything for peace.

If we continually give an agry person what they are demanding, we become part of the problem. We “enable” the angry person. We reinforce the anger so it will continue to occur regularly.

I understand that hostility is intimidating. I am fully aware that aggression is frightening.

But I also know that if you do not stand up to it, or ignore it, you will be a puppet in the hands of the perpetrator.

Make a decision today not to be controlled. Do not give in to demands that do not suit you.

What are you doing to placate an angry person in your life?

We live in an age where things are done quickly. People are trained to look for a quick fix. Society believes that it is possible to reduce every situation down into a process that can be easy, convenient and cheap.

These principles may be true in many areas. However, they do not and cannot be applied to human relationships. They also are not appropriate for the therapeutic process.

Good therapy comprises a process. It involves making a space where feelings and events can be thought about and understood.

Since emotions and relationships are complex, often reflection takes some time. It cannot be rushed.

When you start a therapeutic journey, have realistic expectations. Give the process the time and thought that it deserves. You will feel the benefits and be glad you did.

Have you been reluctant to engage in a therapeutic process?  Why?

The findings of a recent report are disturbing: More than one third of all mums who suffer depression in the first year after giving birth are being abused by their partners.

The Murdoch Children’s Research Institute  surveyed 1300 first-time mums in Melbourne and  found that 16 per cent reported symptoms of depression before their baby turned one.

Of those, about 40 per cent were also physically or emotionally abused by their husband or boyfriend.

Associate professor Stephanie Brown, a co-author of the study said “while mums had been successfully encouraged over the years to report postnatal depression, partner violence remained a taboo topic.”

“It tends to be a hidden thing because the year after birth is when there’s lots of pressure on families and it’s difficult for women to discuss abuse with their friends, families and health professionals because it’s meant to be a time of joy,” she said.

Emotional abuse was more common than physical abuse among the mums with postnatal depression.

Mums were also more likely to report symptoms of depression after their baby reached six months of age.

Assoc Prof Brown said that finding suggested most depressed mums could miss out on treatment because current guidelines suggest women be screened for postnatal depression in the first three months after giving birth.

“We would recommend that GPs regularly inquire about women’s emotional well-being and issues in their relationships with their partner rather than just limiting that discussion to the first consultation or those soon after the birth,” she said.

The emotional well-being of mothers and her physical well-being does have an impact on the health of the child so it  is vital that mums get the support they need. Not only do GP’s need to be more aware and vigilant, but mothers should come clean about their situation.

Have you had any personal experience of this?

Any one in your family you should be concerned about?

Marriage counselors have a traditional way of working. It goes like this:

“Hi Marissa. Would you like to tell me what is bothering you? Terry, I would like you not to interrupt and really listen to what Marissa is saying. You will have your turn later on”.

Marissa then says: “Terry always works late and I have to bath the kids alone.”

The counsellor than asks Terry to repeat what Marissa has said and to show that he understands her feelings. Ideally, Terry should say: ” I understand that Marissa is tired and wishes I could be home to help bath the kids. It must be hard for her to do it alone.”

Marissa should then feel understood and happier. The jackpot would be if Terry promised never to be late again.

In real sessions, that does not happen. Terry keeps interrupting Marissa saying that he needs to work hard and could not provide for the family if he did not. Rather than supporting her, he actually wants her support and understanding of how tired he is.

This is where traditional counselling  gets stuck. Two tired people who both want support and validation. Both too tired and frustrated to be bothered to give the other what they want.

Gottman, an expert in marriage counselling, has found this type of counselling is not as effective as trying to build the relationship in positive ways. He has found that by increasing love, bonding and shared moments, conflict reduces.

Gottman is of the mind that these types of issues can rarely be agreed upon. However, if there is more love and support generally, these issues become smaller and more manageable.

Are you stuck in circular arguments with your partner?

From today, try not to focus on them and build your happy shared moments together. Then  let me know what happens.

A colleague of mine was recently divorced and is now learning about the internet dating scene. He told me that he has joined several sites and is shocked at the response he has had.

He is amazed at the number of  women who have contacted him, and more amazed at how predatory they are. The bombardment of calls, emails and messages have left him feeling uncomfortable.

I can understand why. In my experience there are gender differences and when they are acknowledged they produce more satisfying relationships.

Traditionally, men enjoy the chase and prefer to pursue than to be pursued. Women, on the whole, love to be sought after. Even when they follow the new societal rules to pursue, most women do not feel comfortable or competent doing it.

Why do women feel the need to be like men? What is so terrible about following traditional routes that feel comfortable?

Parents stay focused on your partner

There was a time when being a parent seemed to flow naturally. You had a child and life continued much the same only now there was an extra person to love and to share life’s activities with.

Nowadays, it is completely different. Parents believe that once you have a child, your life needs to become child focused. It seems that a parent can have a life but it must be carried out around the activities of the child.

Is there any wonder that you are exhausted because you are trying to squeeze your busy schedule in “after parenting hours”. Your life has become extra curricular to what you view as the central job of caring for your child.

Do you

• Have no adult conversation with your partner while your child is around

• Limit holiday destinations to places where there are full time child care facilities

• Stay home rather than go out at night and leave him with a sitter

• Only socialise with friends that have a child of the same age

• Give up your hobbies so you can take your child to his extra curricular activities

• Argue with your partner about who should take the garbage out while your child plays on the computer

It is my belief that family life does not have to be child centred.Life does not need to end for parents once a child is born.

It is healthy for a child to adapt to family dynamics and activities. Family life can continue and when necessary the child comes first.

Is your married life out of balance? Do you need to focus more on your partnership? Watch how your child thrives when you do.

When couples get serious, men often  fear that there will no time to maintain relationships with friends. It is important that men have their man time.

Gone are the days when it was believed that “good” couples did everything together. Nowadays, couples can be committed to one another but still have independent lives.

However, there are some common problems that can arise from man time such as:

• Do you want to spend more time with your friends than your partner is comfortable with? If so, you need to work out together what is acceptable to both of you. Different relationships can cope with varying amounts of time apart.

• Does your man time impose on the household.  Truthfully now, have you sometimes watched a game with friends leaving beer bottles and other mess around for your girlfriend to clean up?  Be fair in that case and clean up your own mess.

• When  you go out for man time, do you come home hammered? Does that create stress and hardship for your wife? Perhaps now is the time to weigh up the costs and benefits of these times to your relationship.

• Are your activities creating insecurity in the relationship? For instance, do you  go to strip joints for fun leaving your partner feeling vulnerable?  While this is common practice, it does erode long term relationships.

How do you spend your man time and how does it impact your relationship?

If you want to be a calm parent wear the mask. This is a positive parenting skill. Many parents want help to be calm and here is a valuable tip on how to achieve calmness.

Wearing the mask means that if you want to be a calm parent then simply act calm no matter what you are feeling inside. If you wish to accept your child’s dreams, then pretend to be accepting. And when you wish to be patient, move slowly and talk patiently as if you already feel patient.

Do not worry that you are being “false” or insincere because, in fact, the opposite is true. You are acting like the person you sincerely want to be by not letting letting your emotions dictate your behaviour.You are parenting by design.

You are letting your muscles dictate your behaviour so that you can live up to your ideal. Over time, your behaviours will feel less and less a pretense and more and more congruent with your inner sincere feelings.

There are different ways you can utilise this parenting tool. For instance, you can wear the mask from the time you wake up in preparation for a calm day. When you wake up, tell yourself, “I want to be calm. Therefore, today I am going to wear the mask of calmness. What this means is that I am going to pretend to be calm no matter what I feel inside.”

Alternately, you can “put the mask on” only when you feel yourself becoming agitated.

Depression avoiding people

When you feel depressed, you may start avoiding people. You prefer to be alone. You feel inadequate and bad and may even believe nobody would want to be in your company. Depression and avoiding people often go hand in hand.

Paradoxically, calling a friend or meeting them for coffee could be the best remedy for your low mood. Avoiding people can perpetuate your depression while socialising can help it.

Research has shown that maintaining friendships, getting out of our house and being social goes a long way to lifting our mood. Mixing with friends serves to help us to feel better about ourselves after a devaluing day of anxious thoughts and feelings. Our friends remind us that we are lovable, human beings, even if our situations sometimes make us feel like the opposite.

Even if you do not feel like socialising at first, my advice is that you  forge ahead and after a few minutes you will be so glad that you did. You will discover that socialising is much better than moping about alone in your river of anxieties or negativity at home.

Socialising can also affirm you by reminding you that you do not only have a fearful, depressed side. You have many different facets, and your whole worth therefore, cannot be measured by your depressed habits and thoughts.

If your depression leads you to start avoiding people, think of ways to inspire yourself to keep up social engagements. It will be worth your while.

Did you know that parents with good self esteem cope better with parenting challenges?

Parents with good self esteem are able to tolerate more. Here are some major challenges parents face as their child develops:

• As children grow, they pass through developmental phases. One of the goals of development is for a child to become independent emotionally and physically. If you have lowered self-esteem, you will find it difficult to endure your child’s thirst for independence.

• One important natural progression is that as a child develops, he attempts to find out where he fits into the family hierarchy. This is acted out by the child “testing the limits” where he fits in, who he can order around and who he must listen to. This can be very taxing. Good self esteem will enable you to “stick to your guns” and not give in to pressure. It will help you parent with love and limits.

• Another natural progression takes place when a child moves from idealising his mommy and his daddy to seeing them as ordinary mortals. This takes place over a number of years, and becomes obvious from about ten years old upwards.Adolescents become angry when they see their parents’ imperfections and the better your self-esteem, the more easily you will cope with the anger.

• It is a natural part of life that children move away from their parents emotionally and physically. A parent with good self-esteem can tolerate this natural development more easily than a parent with low self-esteem. Parents with poor self-esteem frequently hold onto their children as they need them to fill their (the parents’) lives.

If you have low self esteem, learn how to boost your self esteem so that you can parent right and feel good.

“Big night out”, what an interesting way to describe a night of binge drinking that often takes days to recover from. Is it called “big” because the night is stretched into the wee hours? Or does “big” refer to the person who has to be brave enough to down all that alcohol? Or maybe “big” refers to the large amount of alcohol consumed?

Whatever the name alludes to, big nights out are common and wreak havoc in relationships even when held together. Couples who spend a night drinking to excess invariably end up fighting, often in a violent way. Alcohol is not good for sex or anger control and most couples find that drinking leads to conflict.

When one partner gets hammered, the other partner usually does not enjoy the behaviour or smell. There is nothing attractive about a drunken lout coming home at 5 am, vomitting and slurring.

If this is happening in your relationships. it will help if you ask the following questions:

1. Is binge drinking negatively affecting my relationship? If yes, what can I do to change the situation?
2. What are my values around alcohol?  What do I believe is acceptable and unacceptable use of booze?
3. Why am I (or my partner) needing to have “big” nights? Is there something lacking in our relationship or within ourselves?

Do you have big nights and how do they affect you?

Social phobia is a real and debilitating condition. It is NOT occasional shyness and nervousness. While everyone gets feelings of anxiety,  it’s people who get physically sick or worry for weeks about social events that suffer from social phobia.

Social phobia has both mental and physical symptoms. Mental symptoms can include incessant worry for weeks or months, intense feelings of fear before social engagements, excessive fear or worry about being judged or inferior to other people, and avoidance of social activities to the point where it interferes with day to day situations. Physical symptoms include rapid heart beat, sweating, shaking hands or voice, twitching, fidgeting, dizziness, and stomach

“According to the Social Anxiety Institute, social phobia, also known as social anxiety disorder, is the third most prevalent mental problem in the world. Social phobia is a disorder in which people have a severe fear of being judged, watched, humiliated, or feeling inadequate in a social situation.

People who suffer from social phobia dread situations which make them the center of attention, public speaking engagements, large crowds, having to speak and share ideas with a group, and being introduced to new people. Treatments and resources for people suffering from social anxiety disorder can help alleviate the symptoms of social phobia and help people deal with social situations. ”

While social phobia usually lasts for life, there are psychological treatments and medications that can help manage social phobia. Therapy is often used to treat social phobia, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy.

Psychiatrists may prescribe antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications. Common medications used to treat social phobia are Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Luvox.

People suffering with social phobia need a strong support system to overcome the disorder. Supportive family and friends are key in dealing and managing social phobia, but sufferers will also need a good therapist and a support group of people dealing with the same condition.

I would like to thank Sheila who sent me information about social phobia from which her daughter is suffering.

Do you or anyone in your family suffer from social anxiety? How do you cope with it?

Depression and exercise

There is no health discipline today that does not encourage regular exercise. Mental health experts have discovered through research that exercise can be effective in lifting depression. In many cases, exercise has been shown to be as effective as medication in treating depression.

That is why psychologists today do not only talk about feelings and experiences but encourage patients to exercise. Some psychologists will give you a daily monitoring diary to encourage you to exercise and help your depression.

There is a problem, however, in that depressed people have low energy levels and often the last thing they want to do is get moving. Therefore, it often takes quite a bit of counseling and advice to ensure that exercise is indeed taking place. Of course, once a person gets going, he/she invariably feels much better for it. Focusing on the good feeling you will get afterwards may be one way to incentivize yourself to get fit.

It is said that 20 minutes a day of brisk walking is all one needs to get that old metabolism going. Some experts believe that more strenuous exercise is beneficial. My advice is that  initially your aim should be just to get moving and choosing an exercise that you enjoy will be key.

As you get fitter and more healthy you may want to change your style or rate of exercise.

Whatever exercise you choose, watch how it will enhance your feeling of well-being. Furthermore, since an agile body is better able to cope with stress and illness, watch how your general health improves.

Do you exercise regularly? What types of exercise do you enjoy?

Effective behaviours to lower anger.

Anger management is not difficult nor a mystery. Here are some tips on how to reduce your anger.

1. Breathe deeply and relax. When you slow your breathing down, you immediately calm down. This is the total outside-in procedure. Force your heart rate to slow by breathing slowly and deliberately and hey, presto, anger disappears.

Initially it will help if  you  breathe deeply when you feel yourself getting upset. However,  to get optimal results, you should try and practice this daily, even if you feel fine. Twice a day, when you wake up and when you go to sleep will change your life. You will feel centred and tranquil and less likely to fly into a rage.

2. Remove yourself when you feel yourself getting angry.  Better that you do this than cause damage that can take days for everybody to recover.

Sometimes, when it is not feasible to physically remove yourself from a potentially explosive situation, you can do the “turtle method” which entails putting your arms on a table and placing your head down while you breathe and calm down.

3. Distract yourself.  This is an easy anger management strategy. Watch  TV,  listen to the radio or read a book. Humming a tune or singing loudly is a magnificent way to turn off the anger physiological response.

4. Cool down. This is an age old anger management technique.
count to ten slowly.
have a cold shower.
go for a run.
splash cold water on your face.
massage your hands.
drink hot chocolate.
reach for the phone and vent to a friend.

In short,when you feel your rage escalating, do something practical to stop it.

Countless couples that I have seen for marriage guidance therapy over the years have displayed the same “shame” over seeking help. There seems to be unwritten rule in Western society that every couple should solve their own problems.

Not only is there shame over the counseling, but there is surprise when couples learn that it is common to have arguments. It seems that many couples have the romantic notion that if you are truly in love, you will agree over everything. This is true in the beginning stages of a relationship where “love is blind” and therefore no flaws are picked up. However, once the vision is restored, the warts are visible.

Here a few realities that will help you:

• Every couple will have differences because 2 people will inevitably have differing views, beliefs, styles etc.
• The blind, fused state is temporary. Enjoy it while it lasts.
• Arguments do not spell the end of a relationship. It is the way you argue, and over what issues that will determine the longevity of your relationship.

In my opinion, not only is it normal and OK to argue, but it is a good thing to air differences. Not only do you get stuff off your chest, but you could work out innovative solutions that you would not have been able to with your one sided perspective.

What do you think about couples arguing?

Anxiety behaviours

Here is a list of common behaviours that maintain anxiety. These anxiety behaviours are not the cause of your anxiety but certainly will maintain your anxiety if you do not address them. If you manifest these behaviours, they can also be seen as symptoms that suggest your are suffering from anxiety.

1. Avoiding anxiety-provoking situations.
2. Over-planning (to prevent your highly feared predicted event from occurring e.g. researching to every last detail the background for a speech you will give for fear you will otherwise look incompetent).
3. Rumination/unproductive worry (constantly chewing on thoughts without a result or purpose that only promotes anxious feelings and thoughts).
4. Not challenging or working on your thoughts/beliefs.
5. Not practicing relaxation skills.
6. Staying in unhelpful situations that promote anxiety (e.g. stressful job).
7. Continuing to do things that contribute to your anxiety level and have a dramatic impact on how you feel such as drinking, smoking, coffee, taking medications/drugs that are stimulants, using cortisone (steroids), insufficient sleep, eating irregularly and taking medicines that increase heart rate or produce anxiety-like symptoms.
8. Not seeking treatment.
9. Using safety behaviours (behaviours you believe will stop the feared event from happening).
10. Not staying in your feared situation long enough.
11. Utilising safety behaviours such as over-preparation.

Each one of these anxiety behaviours can be changed with knowledge and practice. I urge you to take the time to learn new skills to manage anxiety and then to implement them.

Do not let others push you around: be assertive not aggressive

Our culture has the myth that being angry means you are not a walk-over. Our generation respects people who are tough and do not let others push them around. The theme of current popular movies and computer games reinforce this idea.

While this may have some merit in politics, or power struggles, it is totally disruptive in loving relationships where persuasion, communication and collaboration are ideal forums for being heard, understood and validated.

Learning how to be assertive, and to communicate effectively is the way to go. Being assertive means you are not aggressive or passive. You do not attack or deny. Your communication is specific and does not blame the other person for your feelings. Being assertive means being able to negotiate and manage conflict peaceably.

It is advisable to learn how to say what you want in an assertive way that does not damage you, your opponent or the relationship in any way. When you do this, you will not be a push over. Nor will you be destructive to yourself or others.

Assertive communication steps.

I feel…… (feelings)

When you……..(behaviour)

Because……..(effect)

Tips:

Communicate when you are calm and you will be more effective.
Focus on the issue, stick to the issue.
Do not assassinate the character of the other.
Do not bring up the past, stick to the present issue.
Preserve your self respect.
Prioritise the relationship over the issue.

Often when we communicate when we are angry, we achieve nothing. We are only letting off steam. When you communicate assertively you will be more likely to achieve your goal of the communication.

Many couples feel guilty when they spend time on their relationship after they have children. Here are some reasons why it is huge mistake to neglect your relationship.

• Children thrive in a loving home.  I cannot emphasise this point enough. When you neglect your adult relationship, you are doing your child a disservice and making a huge parenting mistake.

• Children feel secure and safe when  parents love each other.  And equally important – you are no less important than your child – you will feel secure and  happy as part of a loving couple. This creates a circle of security for you all.

• Your relationship needs to be nurtured every day  if it is to survive in the long term. When your children leave home, there will be a vacuum. If the relationship between you and your partner has been child centred, you will find that you have no relationship left.

• When you feel loved and supported by your partner, you will be a more loving and content parent.

• Also, if your relationship is strong while your child is growing up, it will be a major source of support for you. Raising a child is tough at times. Difficult decisions have to be made and firm resolutions have to be kept. When you stand together with your partner, it is that much easier to withstand the power of your child who is resisting you.

Here are some tips on how to nurture your relationship: Make time to talk daily; Make time to be together weekly;  Go on dates; . Laugh; Focus on each other and care about feelings, dreams and aspirations and not just getting through the daily grind.

Tell yourself: “I must nurture my marriage while parenting”.

What to expect in couple therapy.

Working with couples brings unique challenges.Here are some tips of what to look for when choosing a good couple counsellor.

1.When there is a  power struggle going on, couples try and get me to take sides. A good couple therapist will see the relationship  as the patient and not take sides.
2.A member of the couple often wants the therapist to validate their point of view. I have had a client bring an email written by her partner which she felt was abusive. She insisted I read the email and agree with her. A competent couple therapist will not be an adjudicator. In this case, her job is to encourage the wife to assert herself in the relationship.
3.A major reason couples seek counsel is that they find it difficult to communicate openly with one another. They depend on the therapist to speak on their behalf. A skilled counselor will assist the couple to speak directly to each other.
4.Sometimes, a member of a couple diagnoses his partner and wants the counselor’s back up. A strong therapist will not align herself with the husband but will keep the “power” in the relationship equal.

Have you had these issues in couple counseling?

It is common for parents to make mistakes.

Why? Because parents are human after all and humans are not perfect. Parents often feel inadequate after they make mistakes so here are some tips to help build self esteem.

• Give yourself permission to be human. You are fallible, and there will be times that you will make mistakes.

This does not mean that you should mess up intentionally. Tell yourself that parenting errors are unavoidable but  you aim to rectify them in future. When you rectify a mistake, look at the mistake as part of  positive parenting  since it encourages you to improve.

• Be realistic. Setting unrealistic standards for yourself as a parent will leave you feeling inadequate, as you will never reach those standards. When you set realistic goals, you will be able to reach them and consequently you will feel good about your achievements.

• Focus on your goals as a parent. Frequently you will have low self esteem as a parent when you are overwhelmed by the large number of problems confronting you. Choose one problem to work on, and establish goals regarding what you want to achieve.

By focusing on one problem at a time, keeping your eye on the goal and working towards it, you will feel better about yourself. This is called parenting by design.

When choosing a problem, it is helpful to choose one that is a priority and one that is achievable. By doing so, your self-esteem will be enhanced.

• See little upsets for what they are. When a child’s every action is scrutinised and regarded as proof of your incompetence, then every little spill feels like “proof” that you are incompetent. However, if you see a spilled drink as just that – spilled cool drink, then you will remain feeling competent and self esteem will not be lowered.

You can feel happy, calm and good about yourself as a parent even if you make mistakes by taking this parenting advice.